From the Pork Barrel: Heck of a Job

* George W. Bush commends George W. Bush for all his good work following 9/11.

* Rick Perry nabs invaluable Orly Taitz endorsement.

* Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala) unveils plan to open up millions of coveted dishwasher jobs for America's unemployed.

* Anti-Illegal Immigrant governor of New Mexico discovers illegal immigrants hiding in her family tree.

* Paul Ryan continues wooing the Senior Citizen crowd.

Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: 9/11, Alabama, George W. Bush, House of Representatives, Immigration, New Mexico, Orly Taitz, Paul Ryan, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Senior Citizens, Unemployment, Wisconsin

The United States of Unflattering Stereotypes

How long does it take to travel to every state in the nation and mock it right to its face? About two minutes…

I think it's really cool that Paul Jury traveled 19,000 miles in the service of writing his book States of Confusion, but you've got to wonder if it was really necessary. If he was really interested in seeing how everybody in the country really lives, couldn't he have just gone to a Wal-Mart in a Hoveround?

Tags: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Books, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming

From the Pork Barrel: Osama's Pr0n

* Osama bin Laden, who was able to elude U.S. intelligence agencies for nearly a decade, unable to safely hide his jackoff folder.

* John McCain has change of heart on his change of heart about torture.

* Potential Constitutional debate between Michele Bachmann and high school student seems like unfair match. High school student should probably have to get drunk first.

* Is your governor getting inexplicably stupider? Maybe he's planning to run for president!

* You're doing a heckuva job, Alabamy.

Tags: Alabama, Arizona, House of Representatives, John McCain, Michele Bachmann, Minnesota, Natural Disasters, Osama bin Laden, Pork Barrel, Porn, Senate, Torture

New Governor of Alabama Wants to Be Your Brother (Assuming You Aren't Jewish or Muslim or an Atheist or Something Weird Like That)

Only in Alabama… Oh, and probably Louisiana. And Texas. And West Virginia and Mississippi and… Well, let's just say the entire southeastern United States. But this particular story takes place in Alabama…

On the day of his swearing-in, Alabama Republican Gov. Robert J. Bentley raised concern among the state's non-Christians by declaring that people who had not accepted Jesus Christ were not his brothers and sisters.

Speaking to a large crowd Monday at Montgomery's Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church — where the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. once preached — Bentley said that "if you're a Christian and you're saved… it makes you and me brother and sister," according to a report in the Birmingham News.

"Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters," he added, according to the paper. "So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

First of all, I'd just like to point out how magnanimous I am for not pointing out how much Bentley resembles the creepy preacher character from Poltergeist II: The Other Side. I could very easily have gone for that joke, but I didn't. I showed some decorum, which is something Gov. Bentley maybe should have considered.

Secondishly, I feel obligated to play the devil's advocate here and point out that perhaps Bentley meant "you're not my brother and you're not my sister" as a compliment. I can imagine that, after hearing that speech, a lot of his state's residents would be relieved to learn that they are of no familial connection to him.

Though, this is Alabama we're talking about. Does "no familial connection" even count as a legitimate string of words down there.

Tags: Alabama, Bill of Rights, Christianity, Constitution, Religion

Migration Madness 2010: Racial Profiling Tournament Brackets

Arizona's recent bid to lead as America's biggest racial profiler has already received backing from Michigan, Alabama, Florida, Nebraska, and the Northern Mariana Islands, among others. But now seven of Mexico's fellow Latin American countries have followed its lead with motions in supports of lawsuits challenging Arizona's immigration enforcement law SP1070…

Bolivia, Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Paraguay and Peru filed separate, nearly identical motions to join Mexico's legal brief supporting the lawsuit filed by U.S. civil rights and other advocacy groups….

Mexico says the law would lead to racial profiling and hinder trade, tourism and the fight against drug trafficking.

You know what that means, don't you? It's time for Migration Madness, the tournament in which political entities slug it out in the headlines for the title — no, the legal right, actually — to have or not have Constitutionally unsound racial profiling implemented within the United States.

And, no that we know which governing bodies have qualified, we can finally draw up the tournament seedings, which are based upon several factors, including country ranking, win-loss war record, ethnicity, and whether or not I think a country had a funny name. Continue after the jump to see how it shakes out…

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Tags: Alabama, Arizona, Bolivia, Colombia, El Salvador, Florida, Guatemala, Immigration, Michigan, Mike Cox, Nebraska, Nicaragua, Northern Mariana Islands, Paraguay, Pennsylvania, Peru, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, West Virginia