From the Pork Barrel: Attention Must Be Paid!

* It's been at least 45 minutes! Why is nobody paying attention to Sarah Palin?!?!

* Barack and Michelle Obama save $100 million via Bush Tax Cuts, despite fact that they're not right kind of millionaires.

* Majority of country now trying to destroy sanctity of marriage.

* Republican voters unhappy with depressing choice of ridiculous candidates for some reason.

* Alan Keyes warns God coming to destroying America any time now… any time now… Very soon! What time do you have? I think my watch might be fast.

Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, David Barton, Internet, Marriage Equality, Michelle Obama, Money, Net Neutrality, Polls, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Religion, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Taxes, Tea Party

Republican Vampire Totally Running for President in 2012

So, you may be asking yourself: What's the proper ticket would a professional boxing/wrestling vampire presidential candidate who travels around the country on Greyhound buses to meet new teenage women on which to feast?

Apparently, it's the Republican ticket.

I'm not sure that's a good fit. Jonathan Sharkey seems like an obvious Libertarian to me. (Though, he's probably trying to distance himself from the crazies.)

And here is where the obvious Alan Keyes joke goes, I suppose.

(via BuzzFeed)

Tags: Alan Keyes, Libertarian, Primaries, Republicans

Barack Obama Might Give Up on Bipartisanship, Cancel Christmas

What's the point of passing actual health care reform if you cannot say it was done with policy-weakening concessions and bitter resentment from Democrats and Republicans? As John McCain knows so well, bipartisanship comes first and effective legislation comes second, maybe third, depending on what the Senate cafeteria is serving for lunch that day.

Now, as members of his own party continue to wade through the cold molasses of "bipartisan negotiations" on health care, President Obama has gone ahead and made his boldest threat yet, a direct challenge to the GOP…

President Barack Obama warned Republicans that he may soon consider abandoning efforts to get a bipartisan deal on a health-care overhaul and try to push legislation through Congress without their help.

"At some point, sometime in September, we are just going to have to make an assessment" about continuing to seek a bipartisan agreement with Republican senators, Obama said in an interview with MSNBC. "I would prefer Republicans working with us on that because I think it’s in the interest of everybody."

Obama said he may consider an alternative course to working with the other party because "failure is not an option" in attempting to pass a health-care bill.

Uh-oh. You know what that means?

Yep. Get ready for KeyesCare.

Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Bipartisanship, Democrats, Health Care, John McCain, Republicans

The Secret Service Better Keep a Look Out for the Creator of the Universe

Holy shit! God — the Lord Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth — has it in for Barack Obama! At least, that's what Southern Baptist minister and former VP candidate Wiley Drake* recently told Alan Colmes…

Colmes: So you're praying for the death of the president of the United States?

Drake: Yes… I think it's appropriate to pray for the will of God. I'm not saying anything, what I'm doing is repeating what God is saying…

Wow! God is apparently saying that He wants Barack Obama to die. I wonder what Obama did to Him specifically. I'll bet they're fighting over Joe Biden's soul. Knowing that guy, he probably sold it to both of them while drunk on Genny Cream Ale. You know what I'm saying? (I'm saying Joe Biden is like my Uncle Albert.)

But, hey, I guess this also means that God isn't capable of just killing Barack Obama on His own and has to go around complaining about him to friends like Wiley Drake. Maybe what He needs people's prayers because they help charge His all-powerful battery pack that He uses for smiting people.

It's amazing how much I learn from religious people.

^{* With Alan Keyes, obviously.}

Tags: Alan Colmes, Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Christianity, Religion

Alan Keyes Arrested with Bloody Baby Doll in Stroller on Notre Dame Campus

I have no idea how I'm only just now discovering this, but Alan Keyes — the guy who's actually too insane for the Republican Party and the Constitution Party — was arrested on Notre Dame's campus Friday while pushing around a blood-splattered baby doll.

Believe me, I am not creative enough to make something like that up.

He supposedly was protesting the Catholic university's decision to ask the president to speak there and receive some kind of dumb honorary degree. And Obama hates babies or some other such infantile, mono-faceted belief…

Bummer that we all missed this the first time around. But the great news is that he's planning a repeat performance on May 17th!

Alan Keyes has announced that he will be present at the University of Notre Dame on May 17 and is planning to be arrested for protesting President Obama’s invitation to speak and receive an honorary degree at the ceremony.

Brilliant!

This whole incident is hilarious because it involves Alan Keyes, and everything involving Alan Keyes is hilarious. Because the inside of his brain is hilarious.

His first person account of his own heroism after the jump…

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Tags: Abortion, Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Christianity, Notre Dame, Religion