On Obama's congressional ballot: Rep. Bobby Rush, an 8-term Congressman who beat Obama in the 2000 Democratic primary.
Despite Obama's youthful charisma, voters preferred Rush on the key campaign issues of:
* Black Panther membership.
* Largest ears (a criterion Obama vowed to never lose again).
And on Obama's presidential ballot: Alan Keyes, a former ambassador whom Obama defeated for the U.S. Senate in 2004.
Keyes has a natural constituency consisting of:
* African-Americans who smell an opportunity to put one of their own in the White House.
* Christian Falangists, who endorsed Keyes on their terrifying website.
* Guinness Book of Records purists, who want to deny Keyes' bid for most elections lost in a single year.
A lot has changed since Obama faced these two men. Rush has coalesced with him and endorsed his presidential bid early on. Voters will reward him with a free pass to Congress.
Keyes, on the other hand, called Obama "evil" and "against God," which isn't going to help him win swing votes, although it might land him post-election work as a speechwriter for Joe the Plumber.
Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Bobby Rush, Illinois
For too many years, America has been choked by its tired, imperialist six-party system. The only thing differentiating John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democratic), Bob Barr (Libertarian), Cynthia McKinney (Green), Chuck Baldwin (Constitution) and Ralph Nader (Peace & Freedom) is their preferred sexual position with corporate lobbyists and defense contractors.
So let's meet the real candidates for change, running as anywhere from 7th-party to 16th-party candidates on a ballot near you. (This is especially true if you live in Colorado, where all sixteen are on the ballot.)
Candidate Platform Alan Keyes Firmly committed to losing miserably to Barack Obama– any time, any place, any office. Jonathan Allen Taking over for Dick Cheney, who was the Heartquake '00-'07 candidate. Thomas Robert Stevens Dedicated to the economic philosophies of Ayn Rand, which means re-installing Alan Greenspan as Federal Reserve chairman and commissioning a new national anthem penned by Rush. Charles Jay Essentially the Libertarian platform, with a key added goal of throwing John Kerry into a harbor. Gene C. Amondson Revisiting the policies of the 1920s, because if we're going to have a second depression, we ought to get it right. (Note that the platform doesn't seem to be working, given that the campaign's only MySpace friend is Tom.) Róger Calero (or James Harris) Ending the capitalistic hegemony of the two parties dominating American government; restore power to the people. Brian Moore Retake Washington from the evil triumvirate of Republicans, Democrats and the Socialist Workers Party; restore power to the people. Gloria La Riva Destroy the corrupt, neo-fascist tyranny of the Socialist Workers Party and the Socialist USA Party; restore power to the people.
Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Cynthia McKinney, John McCain, Ralph Nader
Remember that time on Lost when everyone became consumed and distracted by Jack vs. Locke, and then all of a sudden Sawyer had all the guns and got to be in charge for, like, a day?
Well, what's to stop the same thing from happening in the presidential election? I mean, other than logic, history and common sense.
Because the fact of the matter is, the third party contenders may be down, but they are not yet out. Circumstances remain that could put one of them in the White House.
The Green Party's Cynthia McKinney
An abundance of absent-minded voters arrive to the polls remembering only that they want either "the black one" or "McSomething."
The Constitution Party's Chuck Baldwin
Every registered voter in the country gets pretty bad diarrhea on election day. Except Chuck Baldwin's mom.
Libertarian Bob Barr
An arcane Supreme Court ruling is discovered that awards 400 electoral votes to the candidate with the bossest 'stache.
Independent Ralph Nader
Americans suddenly decide to vote for the candidate they most want to hang out in a bar and abolish the Taft-Hartley act with.
Independent Alan Keyes
Days before the election, voters fed up with the ineffective two-party system look for something new and better. The message of Alan Keyes campaign begins resonating across the country, bringing people of all stripes together in an unprecedented moment of unity. Because Alan Keyes built a robot that hypnotized everyone.
Tags: Alan Keyes, Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Cynthia McKinney, Ralph Nader
We have reached the end of our 2008 Presidential Loser Series, and boy have we saved one of the best for last! That would be Alan Keyes, officially the last major figure to drop out of the presidential race, and yet still a candidate.
Keyes, an ultra-conservative commentator from Maryland, has had an astounding career in the field of losing, spanning three decades and at least two states:
* Keyes' first run for office comes as the Republican nominee against Maryland Senator Paul Sarbanes, in 1988. He loses with 38% of the vote.
* In 1992, the Maryland Republicans put him up for the Senate again, this time against incumbent Barbara Mikulski. He gets 29%.
*Keyes decides to try his hand at the presidency in 1996, losing to Bob Dole. He gets 1 vote at the Republican National Convention — the same as Robert Bork.
* In 2000, Keyes still has a bunch of campaign buttons left, so he tries for the presidency again. He loses to George W. Bush and also, for the first time, John McCain.
* In 2004, the Illinois Republican Party — for reasons unexplained — airlifts Keyes in from Maryland to run for Senate. He loses, for the first time, to Barack Obama with 27% of the vote.
And then came 2008, when Alan Keyes realized that, by running for president again, he could simultaneously lose a second election to both John McCain and Barack Obama!
Keyes entered the race with the strategy of dominating the African-American vote in the Republican primaries. And that's exactly what he did, racking up an impressive two delegates in the process! Laugh if you will, but that was double the number that Rudy Giuliani got.
Keyes lasted in the Republican race long after John McCain had been declared the winner. He finally dropped out in April, only to decide that he was up for some more losing. So he threw his hat in the ring for the Constitution Party nomination, and quickly lost that to a guy named Chuck Baldwin. (Which makes it fair to assume that if Keyes had won, Ron Paul would have endorsed him, too.)
In recent news, Keyes got himself named as the presidential nominee of something called America's Independent Party. His campaign website consists entirely of a donation form.
For more news on Keyes losing races, check back with us every even numbered year. History suggests there's a lot more to come.
Tags: Alan Keyes, Catching Up With a Loser