Latest Posts

Alan Keyes
  • Three Options For Non-VP Hillary Clinton

    If you listen closely right now, you can hear James Carville biting the head off a dove.

    His personal friend, Hillary Clinton, who fell just a few negative ads short of the Democratic nomination, now must face the reality that she wasn't even vetted to be Barack Obama's running mate. (Although seriously folks… she was First Lady. If you want to research the skeletons in her closet, just pull any issue of The Washington Times out of your nearest dumpster.)

    Clinton can take the news in one of two ways. She can either give up now and be shipped off to the glue factory, or she can embrace the fact that she won't be stuck in the most purely ceremonial job this country has to offer.

    Truth is, there's a whole slew of jobs more befitting of Clinton's talents than shouting through chained doors in retirement homes that Barack Obama is not a Muslim. For example…

    Supreme Court Justice
    The next president will likely get several vacancies to fill, and many in Washington feel this is right up Clinton's alley. Not to mention that her popularity among Senate colleagues would make her confirmation a breeze.

    Legend of the Senate
    The Huffington Post's Peter Dreier has long argued that Clinton's Senate career could mirror that of Ted Kennedy, who only achieved mythological status as a Senator after he lost the presidency.

    Someone Else's Running Mate
    In the spirit of Joe Lieberman, Clinton could pander for a spot on another party's ticket. The fastest road to the top might be getting the VP nod of America's Independent Party because their presidential nominee, Alan Keyes, would almost certainly be impeached during his first month in office.


    Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Edward Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, James Carville, Joe Lieberman, Senate, Supreme Court, Veepstakes
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Tommy Thompson

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    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    What Are They Doing Now? The Pages are delighted to present the next in our list of casualties in the 2008 presidential race: Tommy "Tommy" Thompson! The jovial former Wisconsin governor and former secretary of Health and Human Services ran for the Republican nomination on a platform of experience and patriotism — tough sells against the likes of John McCain and Alan Keyes.

    But Tommy Thompson had a secret weapon: he was the only candidate in the race to have an Amtrak locomotive named after him! The big man from the Badger State also had plenty of nice things to say about the Jews, which is always classy.

    On the glorious Iowa evening of August 11, 2007, Tommy Thompson participated in the Ames Straw Poll, and received an impressive 7% of the vote, putting him in a three-way tie for 6th place, along with Joe Lieberman and Barbaro. Despite this clear show of strength, Tommy Thompson sadly decided to bow out of the race the next day. He has not been seen or heard from since, but the Pages are confident he'll turn up soon, because he is microchipped!

    Next week's loser: Senator Sam Brownback!


    Tags: Alan Keyes, Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Iowa, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Tommy Thompson
  • The Candidates on Ted Kennedy

    Here's another even-less-funny-than-usual post about Sen. Ted Kennedy, who was recently diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor.

    The three candidates have issued statements praising the Massachusetts senator and wishing him well

    "I would not be sitting here as a presidential candidate were it not for some of the battles he fought as a senator — he battled for voting rights and civil rights when I was a child. I stand on his shoulders," Obama said.

    Hillary Clinton issued a statement saying, "Ted Kennedy's courage and resolve are unmatched, and they have made him one of the greatest legislators in Senate history. Our thoughts are with him and Vicki and we are praying for a quick and full recovery."…

    Speaking in Florida aboard his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express, [John McCain said]: "I have described Ted Kennedy as the last lion in the Senate. And I have held that view because he remains the single most effective member of the Senate."

    It's possible that Ralph Nader and Alan Keyes also made official statements, but, if so, no one was in near enough proximity to hear them.


    Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Edward Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Ralph Nader
  • Alan Keyes Almost as Popular as "Whomever"

    Indecision 2008 reader thisniss dropped this piece of hardcore science in the comments of last night's North Indiarolina liveblog

    You really fell down on this one, Indy08. Your so-called "something approximating election news" completely failed to note the most important return of the night!

    Alan Keyes won almost 3% of the vote in the *Republican* Primary in NC. "No Preference" beat him by a mere 7036 votes!!

    That's some serious Keyesceleration, right there! By Oregon, he'll be breaking 5%. If he's on the ballot, maybe. That would probably help.

    I just looked into it, and it's totally true!

    alankeyes-nc.jpg

    Jesus! What is wrong with us?! How did we let something this monumental slip past our drunken eyes last night?

    We are something approximating very ashamed.


    Tags: Alan Keyes, Liveblog, North Carolina
  • Why Hast Thou Forsaken Alan Keyes, Constitution Party?

    This is an outrage! An outrage, I tell you!

    Those blockheads in the Constitution Party — who are having their convention in Kansas City today — have decided to forgo humanitarian and supergenius Alan Keyes as their presidential nominee.

    Instead, they're going with pick some radio talk show host guy named Chuck Baldwin just because he's really a member of the Constitution Party and didn't just didn't switch over to get the nomination. Where is the fairness?!

    The pick was seen as something of an upset, given Keyes' higher national profile. Known for his fiery stem-winders, Keyes is a two-time GOP presidential candidate who abandoned the Republican Party this month to join the Constitution Party, which believes in limited government and is committed to ending abortion and bringing American troops home from Iraq.

    But Baldwin's roots in the Constitution Party run deeper. He was the party's 2004 vice-presidential candidate, and party members said his stands were more in line with party thinking.

    So… fucking… what?!?! This isn't some ridiculous hilarious joke of a candidate we're talking about here! This is Alan Fucking Keyes!!

    "They just rejected the most qualified man to be president," said Tom Hoefling of Lohrville, Iowa, Keyes' national political director. "Chuck Baldwin will have no impact on this election whatsoever."

    Completely unlike Alan Keyes.

    Amen, Mr. Hoefling. A fucking men.


    Tags: Alan Keyes, Chuck Baldwin, Constitution Party