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Alberto Gonzales
  • It's Not Over Till the Alberto Gonzales Opera Singers Sing

    If you happen to be in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Fringe Festival, this weekend, you might want to overcome your lifetime aversion to opera long enough to catch The Gonzales Cantata. Yep, that's "Gonzales" as in memory-challenged former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and "cantata" as in "fancy singing thing."

    Check it out:

    Brava! Bellissimo! Grande latte!

    Now, when do we get the synchronized swimming routine about Abu Ghraib?

    Tags: Alberto Gonzales, Music, Philadelphia
  • Unemployment Goes Down Among Former Attorneys General Named Alberto Gonzales

    alberto-gonzales-headshotWith all the grim unemployment data that's been floating around, you've probably been asking yourself one question: "How is former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales holding up in this recession?" Remember, he'd been having a dickens of a time finding a new job, for some reason, after getting downsized, for some reason, from his last one.

    Well, good news! Ex-AG A.G. has got himself a new gig, at Texas Tech University…

    Gonzales will work to recruit minority students for the Lubbock-based college's diversity office and teach a junior-level political science seminar on "Contemporary Issues in the Executive Branch," according to a statement from Texas Tech.

    "I am excited that Alberto Gonzales is bringing his experience to Texas Tech," Kent Hance, Texas Tech's chancellor, said in the statement. "His own upbringing in Houston as part of a migrant family with eight children makes him qualified to tell underrepresented Texas students that college is possible."

    And, of course, he'll relate especially well to the underrepresented Texas students who dream of growing up to erode privacy, stifle free speech, expand the limits of executive privilege and trample the Geneva Convention.

    At least let's hope they're underrepresented.

    Tags: Alberto Gonzales, Texas, Unemployment
  • Willacy County Flying Circus Indicts Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales

    The good news: a grand jury finally indicted Dick Cheney. The bad news: I think this particular legal proceeding is a scene from a long-lost Monty Python script. We open in Willacy County, Texas, where the jury has spoken

    The indictment charges Cheney with illegally profiting, by virtue of his office, from $85 million in investments in the Vanguard Group. The group invests in companies that house federal detainees. He also is charged with exerting pressure on how much prisons are paid to house detainees….

    The indictment further alleges that Gonzales used his position to stop investigations into assaults committed in the private prison managed by the GEO Group in Willacy County. The GEO Group, formerly Wackenhut Corrections Corp., was also indicted on murder charges involving the 2001 death of an inmate killed in a Raymondville prison.

    For good measure, Willacy County also indicted Texas state Senator Eddie Lucio Jr., two district judges, a couple of former county prosecutors and a district clerk who happened to be hanging around that day. It's quite convoluted, and the connections between these people and the vice president and the prisons are less than clear, but, hey, even indictments are bigger in Texas.

    Maybe Willacy County district attorney Juan Angel Guerra can bring some order to the court. Why, here's a news item from last year, touting his public service…

    Willacy County District Attorney Juan Guerra has been protesting his arrest on corruption charges by camping outside the Sheriff's Department in an RV. On Sunday, he brought a goat.

    Oh well. Presumably this means Dick Cheney can protest his indictment in Willacy County by camping outside the courthouse in an RV, with a wild boar.

    Nudge nudge wink wink?

    Tags: Alberto Gonzales, Dick Cheney, Texas
  • What Exactly is John Edwards Angling For?

    In case you've been wondering if John Edwards' endorsement for Barack Obama — suspiciously timed just after Hillary Clinton's ass-kicking returns in West Virginia — might have maybe been brokered in a smoke-filled back room in exchange for a possible second place on Obama's ticket

    Mr. Edwards, the one-time contender for the 2008 Democratic nomination and Senator John Kerry's running mate in 2004, responded to speculation about a potential role in an Obama administration, saying, "I have no interest in running as vice president."

    Okay, fair enough. But what about a position that actually matters?

    But asked about serving as attorney general, he responded: "Oh, I don't have any thoughts about any of that."

    Wow! Considering the precedent set by Alberto Gonzales, it sounds like he's already perfect for the job.

    Tags: Alberto Gonzales, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards
  • Alberto Gonzales Can't Recall What It's Like to Have a Job

    Things haven't been going so well for former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales recently…

    Alberto R. Gonzales, like many others recently unemployed, has discovered how difficult it can be to find a new job. Mr. Gonzales, the former attorney general, who was forced to resign last year, has been unable to interest law firms in adding his name to their roster, Washington lawyers and his associates said in recent interviews.

    I can't recall anything Gonzales did or didn't do as attorney general that would keep people from wanting to hire him? I'm trying to think of any mistakes he made, but I can't recall any. As far as I can tell, he did an excellent job serving the country, but I can't recall any specific examples right now.

    You know, I just thought of a great piece of employment advice for Gonzales. But I can't recall it now.

    (Thanks to Stephanie Ochoa for the tip.)

    Tags: Alberto Gonzales