Stephen Colbert on the Fun Funness of Rick Santorum

Here's two words for you: "sweat" and "vest!" Here's three more words: "man," "on" and "dog."

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: Alcohol, George Will, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

Tweet Untweet: Sib Fib (or My Brother Can Tell a Lie)

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Tags: Alcohol, George Washington, Tweet Untweet, Twitter

From the Pork Barrel: I Now Pronounce You Tower and Wife

* Michele Bachmann's Iowa campaign chair foresees a horrible dystopian future in which women marry national monuments and nobody knows how to pronounce words like "polyamory," much less be mindlessly terrified of them.

* Elizabeth Warren is the new Barack Obama. Which means we'll all be overcome with despair at the mere mention of her name in about three years.

* Mitt Romney has traveled to the dark side and made it back to tell the harrowing tale.

* Who wants to dress up as an unemployed foreclosure lawyer for Thanksgiving?!?!

Tags: Alcohol, Barack Obama, Elizabeth Warren, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Massachusetts, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans, Senate, Smoking

From the Pork Barrel: Apologies Are in Order

* In the wake of sexual harassment allegations, Herman Cain's chief of staff Mark Block is demanding a full apology to America from the candidate. And by "the candidate," I mean Rick Perry.

* Looks like Perry wasn't drunk during that New Hampshire speech. That's either very comforting or extremely terrifying.

* Oh no! Some Evangelical leaders are concerned that liberals might not accept Mitt Romney in a general election because he's a… M Word.

* Michele Bachmann tells Iowans that she opposes subsidies for their precious precious ethanol.

* Rick Santorum has gone The Full Hawkeye.

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Agriculture, Alcohol, Christianity, Energy & Oil, Herman Cain, Iowa, Mark Block, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormon, New Hampshire, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Religion, Rick Perry, Scandalgate

Physical Reveals Disgustingly Healthy Barack Obama

Another day, another valiant effort by the Obama administration to ensure the President doesn't come close to winning a second term in office. I'm referring, of course, to the release of results from Barack Obama's medical check-up…

Doctor Jeffrey Kuhlman, the White House physician who performed the examination last week, affirmed that Mr. Obama was "fit at fifty" and "staying healthy at 50+" — and that "all clinical data" indicates he will remain in excellent health "for the duration of his presidency…"

At the time of the exam, the president weighed 181.3 lbs, his heart rate was 67 bpm and his body mass index was 23.9 kg/m2, according to the memo. His temperature was 97.7 degrees.

What kind of American stands 6-foot-1 but weighs in at a measly 181 lbs? According to research presented at this year's American Political Science Association meeting, it's the kind of "American" voters wouldn't trust for all the glazed doughnuts and double bacon cheese thickburgers in the world…

Miller and colleagues find that obese male candidates were actually evaluated more positively than non-obese male candidates.  Obese female candidates, however, were evaluated essentially the same or less positively than non-obese female candidates, depending on the measure of evaluation.

The physical also described Obama as a "tobacco free,  physically active" man who "on occasion drinks alcohol in moderation." So if you're keeping score, he's not only a pretty terrible Marxist as far as policy is concerned, but a failure as a closet Muslim as well. Yet hope springs eternal. Obama's next physical is scheduled for a month after Election Day 2012, by which time he may well have abandoned Michelle Obama's socialist organic garden and settled into a more relatable All-American diet of cigarettes and Xanax.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Alcohol, Barack Obama, Health, Smoking