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Alexander Hamilton
  • The Founding Fathers on Obamacare

    Whenever Americans have needed a higher authority to justify their preexisting political beliefs, we've turned to the words of the Founding Fathers for historical backup.

    In that spirit, four dissenting Supreme Court Justices in the Affordable Care Act case called upon the ghost of Alexander Hamilton to oppose the individual mandate. If Congress can require Americans to purchase insurance, the dissenting justices wrote, "then the Commerce Clause becomes a font of unlimited power, or in Hamilton's words, "the hideous monster whose devouring jaws…spare neither sex nor age, nor high nor low, nor sacred nor profane."

    Sadly, Crtl-F search through the Federalist Papers by a law clerk is not the same thing as actually reading the Federalist Papers, because in fact, Hamilton was being sarcastically derisive of the opponents of expanded federal power, making fun of Anti-Federalists for suggesting that the new Constitution would turn the government in to a "hideous monster." Hamilton was an early fan of muscular government if there ever was one.

    As Benjamin Franklin wrote, "Beware of quotes you find on the Internet, because they are often made up or taken out of context."

    Thanks to recent discoveries in the world of particle physics, we've been able to bring a couple of the Founding Fathers in to the 21st century in order to seek their opinion on Obamacare. Unfortunately, they first had more questions for us, such as, "Does Obamacare cover leaches?" Mostly, they were very pretty perturbed by the whole black guy in the White House thing.

    Eventually John Jay was hit by a horseless carriage and we had to call the whole thing off. Some things will remain a mystery.

    Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images


    Tags: Alexander Hamilton, Founding Fathers, Health Care, Supreme Court
  • Six American Politicians Who Were Born as Un-Americans


    The other day my editor said something to me that made me think of some of the people born in other countries who later became U.S. Politicians. I think it was something like, "Hey, Gladstone, write me up a list of people born in other countries who are now U.S. politicians."

    So I set to work without even asking why she made the request. And believe me that was no small task. After all, with the upcoming premiere of Ugly Americans –- a show about monsters who become American citizens — I could hardly concentrate on this article about legal aliens who became American politicians. Also, I've been very busy lately attending therapy for people who accidentally make highly insulting analogies without meaning to.

    So without further ado…

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    Jamshid "Jimmy" Delshad

    It's no small thing to come from Iran — a country currently despised in the U.S. — and get yourself elected Mayor of Beverley Hills, but that's just what Jamshid Delshad did in 2007. How?

    First, he told people he's from Persia and not Iran. That conjures images of flying carpets instead of unapproved nuclear weapons programs. Second, as a Persian Jew, Delshad didn't really have a lot in common with Iran's current Muslim-based government. But most importantly, Delshad, unofficially changed his name to "Jimmy." And as anyone will tell you, Americans love politicians named "Jimmy," and we would never elect someone with a name like Barack Hussein Obama.

    On second thought, it was probably just the Persia thing.

    Ugly Americans premieres on Wednesday, March 17 at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c after an all new South Park.

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    Tags: Alexander Hamilton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, Jennifer Granholm, Madeleine Albright, Michigan, Obama Administration, Pete Hoekstra
  • Sweet Georgia Chambliss!

    The Democrats' chances for a 60-vote Senate supermajority likely ride on Georgia, where Senator Saxby Chambliss is struggling to find a message that doesn't involve linking a triple-amputee war hero to Osama bin Laden.

    His opponent is Democrat Jim Martin who, despite being a friendly, competent guy, has been damaged by the fact that there aren't any public photos of him wrapped in a Confederate flag.

    If neither candidate gets a majority of voters (50%), the race goes to a December run-off.  If, at that point, the Democrats are sitting on 59 Senate votes, you'll see Martin's stock swoon faster Mark Foley at a Jonas Brothers concert.

    See while Georgians might be up for the simple concept of replacing Chambliss, there is no way that they'd be the ones to engender the greatest Democratic power assault since Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton.

    And even if Martin won, Joe Lieberman would just jump ship to the GOP.

    (Provided that he's allowed to caucus from John McCain's lap.)


    Tags: Aaron Burr, Alexander Hamilton, Georgia, Jim Martin, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Mark Foley, Saxby Chambliss
  • John McCain's Security Team Blows the Second Amendment to Shreds

    Presumptive GOP nominee John McCain is in Louisville today for a sold-out speech at the annual National Rifle Association convention.

    More than 60,000 visitors are expected to pass through the Kentucky Exposition Center, where they will celebrate our God-given freedom of expression with semi-automatic weaponry.

    Just one little snafu. McCain's Secret Service detail (code name: Pussies!) aren't going to let people bring guns into McCain's event, even if they have concealed carry permits…

    According to an NRA spokesperson, Secret Service members have stepped in and said while firearms will still be allowed in the convention center, they will not be allowed in the Celebration of American Values Forum.

    This is truly mind-boggling. How dare the Secret Service try to keep guns away from a speech given by a major political figure? This is America, dammit!

    Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy must be turning over in their graves right now.


    Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Hamilton, John Kennedy, John McCain, Kentucky