They ruled out terrorism as the cause of the Super Bowl Blackout? Good! I would hate to think the terrorists figured out light switches!
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) February 4, 2013
Eating Super Bowl leftovers for lunch. I shut myself up in a dark closet so it'd feel authentic.
— SlowDownBelle (@SlowDownBelle) February 4, 2013
Tags: Amish, Football, Guns, New Orleans, Sports, Super Bowl, Tweet Roundup, Twitter
The news, politics and humans in general are complicated. Twitter is simple. Comedians are here to bridge the gap:
Obama calls for fast troop removal plan in Afghanistan, implicitly confirms speculation that he's probably a terrorist.
Whitey Bulger may be suspected of 19 murders, but that's no reason to ignore the fact that his name is Whitey Bulger.
Tags: Afghanistan, Amish, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, FBI, John McCain, Jon Huntsman, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Tworld News
As you've no doubt heard from People Magazine, the New York Times and the National Intelligence Briefing, Malia and Sasha Obama will soon be attending Sidwell Friends School in Washington, DC.
Well good news for our employers at Comedy Central: It just so happens that we are graduates of the very same school. Finally, your investment in us has paid off!
Below, we've answered some of the most frequently asked questions about Sidwell Friends to provide you an inside perspective on the future lives of our nation's First Kids (and hopefully score a reference in an upcoming Jonas Brothers episode.)
Q: What is the deal with the name Sidwell Friends? It's so gay.
A: The name is actually a religious reference. Sidwell Friends was founded by the group commonly known as Quakers, whose official name is the Religious Society of Friends.
Q: Oh, I know the Quakers! They're the ones who wear old clothing and don't use electricity or zippers and ride around in…
A: No, you're thinking of the Amish.
Q: …a horse and buggy like it's colonial days! And they're all peasants named Methuselah or something Biblical like that and–
A: No, that's definitely the Amish. The Quakers are totally different.
Q: Will Malia and Sasha be the first politician's children to attend Sidwell?
A: Definitely not. Tricia Nixon went there! (Also Chelsea Clinton, Al Gore III, three Biden grandchildren, Teddy Roosevelt's son, the child of basically every elected Democrat in Washington, blah blah blah.)
Q: Were the kids cruel at Sidwell? Did they ever make fun of Chelsea Clinton's appearance during her awkward teenage years?
A: No, they left that to John McCain.
Q: I'm confused. I thought that Barack Obama would never send his kids to a Quaker School, but rather a Secret Muslim Madrassa — perhaps even an al-Qaeda training camp.
A: Sadly, the press scrutiny would be too harsh if he did that. Sasha and Malia will hopefully get plenty of terrorist training, though, because Sidwell's Head of School is retiring, and esteemed educator Bill Ayers is surely on the short list to replace him.
Q: Do the girls have any chance of success with a Sidwell education?
Q: And if they fail?
A: They can become online humor columnists.
Tags: Al Gore, Amish, Barack Obama, Chelsea Clinton, Joe Biden, John McCain, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Sasha Obama, Sidwell Friends, Theodore Roosevelt