South Carolina's Casual Racism and Wanton Sex Comes Through in the Clutch to Save Jon from Helen Thomas

I remember one time back a few years ago, when my life wasn't going quite as well as it is now, I was unemployed, drinking a lot, unable to muster the energy to pull myself out of a spiral of self-destruction. And one day, there was a knock on my door. It was South Carolina. It put its arm around me and told me that the Jews have a controlling interest in all the circus animals and that I could look it up online if I didn't believe it. Then, after tell me I was blind if I couldn't see the implications, two of its Baptist preachers touched each other's taints. That was all I needed. I wrote up my resume that very day and two months later, I had a job as Dean of the local university (a job which I later lost after it was revealed that I still didn't have a college degree).

Anyway, I'll never forget that. And now South Carolina's back to lend another helping hand in our country's time of need…

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Andre Bauer, Barack Obama, Helen Thomas, India, Israel, Jewish, Jon Stewart, LGBT, Mark Sanford, Palestine, Primaries, Racism, Sex, South Carolina, Tea Party, The Daily Show, White House, Will Folks

Stephen Colbert Defends Andre Bauer's Indefensible Anti-Poor Rhetoric

Colbert makes some excellent points here. Really! Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer is right! What has the poor ever done for us? It's not like they're poor because they gave us all their money.

No, they're poor because they gave rich people all their money. I'm not rich. Why should I care?

That's what you call some flawless logic right there.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Andre Bauer, Christianity, Mark Sanford, Religion, Republicans, South Carolina, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

South Carolina's Andre Bauer Regrets "Tying Poor People to Animals"

News from South Carolina (state motto: WTF?): Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer has been running around with his foot in his mouth — he's very limber — because of this report right here…

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer drew a comparison to "feeding stray animals" during a speech about people on government assistance, "babies having babies," and parents whose children are on free and reduced-price lunch.

"My grandmother was not a highly educated woman but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better," Bauer said.

Now Bauer, a Republican candidate for governor, is apologizing about as eloquently as a raccoon with its head in a dumpster…

"I never intended to tie people to animals," [he told CNN], before opting for a kinder animal metaphor: "If you have a cat, if you take it in your house and feed it and love it, what happens when you go out of town?"

Correct answer: it does not vote for you in the primaries.

^{* The photo? Yeah, that's Bauer (right). He posted this on his Facebook page to indicate his affection for many animal species, including Scientologistus familiaris.}

Tags: Andre Bauer, Animals, Republicans, South Carolina