The Democrats' failure to light themselves on fire and squander their advantage in the polls has to count as one major surprise, but believe it or not there were even more compelling stories this year…
1. Dead candidates win elections in Florida and Alabama. It's not quite as consequential as John Ashcroft's defeat at the hands of Mel Carnahan's corpse, but Florida Democrat Earl K. Wood and Alabama Republican Charles Beasley both handily won their respective elections despite facing living opponents. "It is a touchy situation. When you are running against a dead man, you are limited as to what you can say," Walter Sansing, Beasley's opponent, lamented.
If nothing else, it's fodder for those Republicans who want to run Zombie Reagan in 2016. Like Sansing said, who is going to go negative against a dead man?
Tags: Alabama, Animals, Florida, Kentucky, Virginia
Good news and bad news in the newest round of polling for the president. For the first time since the start of the general election, Mitt Romney leads the president by .8% in an average of national polls. Fortunately, the president will not want for alternate career opportunities, according to the results of an Esquire/Yahoo! News poll.
Tags: Animals, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Polls, Puppies!
Tampa may have been hit by Isaac last week, but everyone knows hurricanes only symbolize God's wrath if they happen at non-Republican venues.
But bedbugs? Those things are like a modern eleventh plague, and having done no research on the topic, I'm prepared to say they're probably kind of like locusts.
They're also poised to descend on the Democrats…
A search of BedBugRegistry.com brings up more than 30 Charlotte-area hotels where visitors have reported bedbugs, including nine hotels that will host at least 10 of the state delegations attending this week's convention.
A swarm of bloodsucking parasites is overrunning Charlotte. If only there were a humorous way to compare that with the fact that a large group of professional politicians are going to Charlotte at the same time.
Photo by Douglas Graham – Contributor/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images
Tags: Animals, Democratic National Convention
David Fowler — president of the Family Action Council of Tennessee, one of those embarrassing public relations firms for Jesus that the big guy probably doesn't know he hired — has finally figured out the meaning of Mark 10:21-22.
The verse reads, "You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me," but the deeper meaning says, "Don't do any of that shit, because if you give the poor any help, they're gonna expect it all the damn time."
So sayeth Fowler…
His solution, posted on his personal Facebookpage, is to follow the advice of the National Park Service: "Do not feed the animals."
"Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves," Fowler wrote in the post. "This ends today's lesson."
All this stuff must be in the missing Gnostic gospels, the supplementary materials that explains why Jesus chased the money-changers from the temple. (Because there was more room for them in the halls of Congress, duh.)
This also represents progress for many of Tennessee's reactionaries. Yes, they're linking the recipients of SNAP benefits to wild animals and calling for the law of the jungle to apply to human social life, but at least they finally have some nice things to say about Darwinism.
Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Animals, Christianity, Food, Tennessee
Considering the intensity with which Iowa Republican Steve King defends innocent Americans whose only "crime" is to physically and psychologically abuse animals before pitting them against each other in a fighting pit and forcing them to rip each other to shreds in a fight to the death for the amusement of spectators, it's a miracle he has the wherewithal to do anything else besides opposing federal rules banning animal cruelty. And yet he does!
King's latest foray into policy-making is the consideration of a bill that would repeal everything Barack Obama has signed into law. Ev-er-y-thing. In other words, we are going to be renaming A LOT of post offices.
Though as ThinkProgress points out, such a broad repeal bill would also undo the extension of the Bush tax rates that Obama signed in 2010, defund the military, and most alarmingly, annul legislation "authorizing funding to honor and celebrate the centennial of Ronald Reagan's birth."
An even greater complication would arise if Obama signed the King bill repealing everything Obama has ever signed into law, thereby also repealing the repeal bill and launching us into a paradoxical loop of existential despair, which come to think of it, we already occupy whenever confronted with an idea emanating from Steve King.
Photo by Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images
Tags: Animals, Barack Obama, Steve King