Latest Posts

  • Barack Obama Still Might Maybe Be the Antichrist

    I don't know if you remember before about when I was making fun of all insane crazy people who were speculating that Barack Obama might actually be that Antichrist character in that one book whatever it's called.

    Well, that was obviously before I heard the argument put forth by this brilliant video for brilliant geniuses…

    You have to admit, that guy put an awful lot of work into that misunderstanding of how language translation works.

    Tags: Antichrist, Barack Obama, Christianity, Religion, The Bible
  • Will the Antichrist Be a Gay Homosexual? (Extra Credit Question: Does the Bible Predict Jet Skis?*)

    Okay. This whole gay marriage thing makes a whole lot more sense now.

    I thought it was weird that Christians were so concerned about whether or not complete strangers were allowed to do with one another. I mean, really, why would people devoted to spending all their available time acting Christ-like and worshiping the King of Kings even want to get mixed up in all that. Because, really, it would be a huge distraction from praying, ya know?

    But it turns out there's a fantastic explanation! They don't want the Antichrist to be allowed to get married!

    But will the Antichrist be a homosexual? Having seen what the Bible says of sodomy, we have no further to look than the book of Daniel, chapter 11 to find our answer.

    It says, "Neither shall he [Antichrist] regard… the desire of women…." As I said at the onset, I am not the first to draw attention to this, but the verbiage is clear.

    Oh, yeah! That verbiage is crystal clear. Even with all those ellipses in there kind of getting in the way of the original context, it's pretty much the clearest verbiage I have ever not been able to see — due to its crystal clear clarity — ever.

    That [Biblical interpretation]… is… completely not… idiotic….

    But, now we just need to explain why the Christians are so intent on keeping the Antichrist from getting married. And I think most of us — if we're really being honest with ourselves — know exactly what kind of person would dedicate his life to bringing about the End of Days.**


    * Yeah, probably somewhere in there. It's a big book.

    ** Hint: It's not gonna be someone who's allowed to go out with his friends more than once every two weeks.

    Tags: Antichrist, Christianity, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Religion
  • The Most Geniusest Conservative Christian Political Cartoons in the 6,000 Year History of the Universe

    I just stumbled upon the greatest collection of right wing, Evangelical Christian political cartoons ever. Oh my god! I feel like Sean Astin when he and Forrest Gump found One-Eyed Willy's copy of the Declaration of Independence in the Illuminati's big volcano at the center of the Vatican!

    I have no idea what point this cartoon is trying to make, but I am one hundred percent certain that the cartoonist knew that he fuckin' nailed it!


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    Tags: ACLU, Al Gore, Antichrist, Barack Obama, Christianity, Climate Change, Fox, Islam, Nancy Pelosi, Religion, Sean Hannity, Terrorism
  • Newsweek Reports That Barack Obama Just Might Very Well Be the Antichrist Maybe

    It seems that sound, scientific, indisputable proof that our president-elect is in fact the Antichrist has finally been found: Some random number generator randomly generated the random number "666" in Illinois randomly. How could you possibly ask for more proof than that?

    Unfortunately, the unquestionable and not-at-all-idiotic proof came just one day too late to warn voters of the hellfire into which they were about to submerge themselves, Newsweek's Lisa Miller reports…

    On Nov. 5, Todd Strandberg was at his desk, fielding E-mails from around the world. As the editor and founder of, his job is to track current events and link them to biblical prophecy in hopes of maintaining his status as "the eBay of prophecy," the best source online for predictions and calculations concerning the end of the world… Now Strandberg was receiving up-to-the-minute news from his constituents in Illinois.

    One of the winning lottery numbers in the president-elect's home state was 666 — which, as everyone knows, is the sign of the Beast (also known as the Antichrist). "It is very eerie, and I take it for a sign as to who he really is," wrote one of Strandberg's correspondents.

    Yes, it is a very eerie sign. I suppose we should all just give up Hope now and prepare ourselves for the End of Days.

    "[T]he spread of secular progressive ideas is a prelude to the enslavement of mankind," explains Richard Landes, former director of the Center for Millennial Studies at Boston University.

    No wonder, then, that Obama triggers such fear in the hearts of America's millennialist Christians. Mat Staver, dean of Liberty University's law school, says he does not believe Obama is the Antichrist, but he can see how others might.

    No wonder, indeed. It's all so obvious and points so blatantly to the foregone conclusion that a medieval fairytale is playing out before us.

    Obama's own use of religious rhetoric belies his liberal positions on abortion and traditional marriage, Staver says, positions that "religious conservatives believe will threaten their freedom." The people who believe Obama is the Antichrist are perhaps jumping to conclusions, but they're not nuts: "They are expressing a concern and a fear that is widely shared," Staver says.

    Perhaps they're jumping the gun.

    Or, perhaps their paranoid illogical fantasies are preparing them for the inevitable.

    Or, perhaps this is in fact a sign that Barack Obama is really the Silver Surfer in disguise and the Earth is about to be devoured by Galactus, Eater of Worlds.

    One thing, though, that is not in question is that — regardless of what fantastical fate awaits our doomed planet — Newsweek's Lisa Miller will surely be spared of the carnage as a payment of debt reward for her fantastic journalistic efforts.

    Tags: Antichrist, Barack Obama, Christianity, Illinois, Newsweek