Apple Now Destroying the Sanctity of iPhones

Look, it's bad enough that every time I use my smartphone I'm forced to tacitly acknowledge the wonders that have been granted to modern society by science via the evils of secularism. That's tough, but if I try very hard, I can make myself believe that the phone is filled with tiny angels dancing on the head of a microchip. But that whole fantasy is smashed to bits if I also have to look at bunch of tiny same-sex couples defying moral decency by holding hands with one another right inside my iPhone…

The new version of Apple's iPhone operating system comes with new emojis, the popular emoticons that are often used in texting and email, especially by young kids and nerdy adults like me. Two of these new pictograms represent gay and lesbian couples for the first time. The icons are placed next to the previous relationship-related emojis showing a heterosexual couple holding hands and a heterosexual couple with a son. One shows two men holding hands. The other shows two women in the same position.

I tried everything. I screamed at them to get them out. I prayed at them. I tried calmly explaining to my phone that I do not hate it, just its sinful lifestyle. Nothing works. Luckily, the tiny cartoon gay couples have been rendered without mouths, so that at least limits their activities when my phone is dark.

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