Sheriff Joe Arpaio's crack volunteer detective squad has finished its investigation into the authenticity of Barack Obama's birth certificate and has concluded that the president is definitely black. Also, they claim that the birth certificate is "definitely fraudulent," but let's be real about the subtext of this "investigation."
What prompted the inevitable finale of this, the crappiest season of CSI: Wingnut Unit ever broadcast? If you guessed "secret codes embedded into the birth certificate," you have officially mind-melded with the Maricopa County Sheriff…
Mike Zullo, the posse's chief investigator, said numeric codes on certain parts of the birth certificate indicate that those parts weren't filled out, yet those sections asking for the race of Obama's father and his field of work or study were completed.
Zullo said investigators previously didn't know the meaning of codes but they were explained by a 95-year-old former state worker who signed the president's birth certificate. Zullo said a news reporter who has helped with the probe let investigators listen in on an interview he conducted of the former state worker.
This investigation inspires so much confidence in the ability of local Arizona police to fairly administer the state's "show us your papers" statute on undocumented immigrants. Faced with repeated confirmations from Hawaii officials that the president was born in Honolulu, Arpaio's squad nevertheless looks beyond the reality to find the deeper truth that the president is blackety black, black and therefore a fraud. I'm sure Hispanic citizens, who don't have the same legal resources as the President of the United States, will have no trouble meeting Arizona's standards for documentation.
One last coup remains for Arpaio. He really needs to direct his cold case squad to determine whether Arpaio is a real person, or a laboratory experiment created by Democrats to caricature Republicans as unthinking buffoons.
Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Joe Arpaio
Arizona, we love you. We really do. Our hipster grandparents who think Florida is played out retire there. The Grand Canyon is worth its weight in gold, if it were possible to weigh a canyon. Also, chimichangas. But your politicians, your politicians are so much the opposite of normal human behavior. You know how they sound to the rest of us, right? You know this.
Sure, there are only a handful of Arizona politicians who are in the national news for being loonytunes, but it's hard not to assume the trend carries over to lesser-known officials. The border fence (in both the physical and the legislative sense), the noteworthy-even-for-America firearm fixation–it's like you were preparing for a zombie apocalypse, then just decided to live like it was already the zombie apocalypse. We're saying these things out of concern, Arizona, because we care.
So that said, we tread lightly as we peek into the life of this week's candidate. Retired Air Force Colonel Linda Thomas is running for Oracle School Board in Saddlebrooke. Okay, Linda, let's hear your plans for a summer reading/pistol cleaning program or a Lil' Militia afterschool club or something like that. Here it comes:
"I know from my military experience that if problems were easy to be solved they would have already been fixed. I know one person can’t do it alone." [Thomas] hopes to apply her skills to get communities more active and involved with the school district.
Wait, what's that? Instead of trumped-up rhetoric about throwing the bums out of office, you want to build a volunteer community network to make best use of limited resources so children have equal access to quality education? Col. Thomas, you are just too much.
But come on, show us some of that real Arizona flavor. Your state can't go a week without making national headlines for some batshit policy. I know you've got an identify-your-illegal-immigrant-classmate plan in the works somewhere in there. Let it all out:
Linda said that some of our students will one day be legislators or government leaders. "I want them to be smarter than me."
Um, paging Colonel Crackpot. You want politicians who are eggheads, not gunheads? Elitist book smarts, not all-American drunk-in-a-truck smarts? This is so ludicrous, there can only be one explanation: someone's not telling us her real agenda.
Fess up, Colonel. If you're secretly thinking of training our future politicians to act as bomb-sniffing dogs, just blink twice.
Previously: Bill Woolsey, "Secessionist's secessionist"
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Ms. Thomas a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: Arizona, One of a Kind Candidates
Gov. Jan Brewer celebrates a strong conservative victory in today's SCOTUS opinion…
"Today's decision by the U.S. Supreme Court is a victory for the rule of law. It is also a victory for the 10th Amendment and all Americans who believe in the inherent right and responsibility of states to defend their citizens."
Sen. Chuck Schumer celebrates a strong liberal victory in today's SCOTUS opinion…
"This is as strong a repudiation of the Arizona law as one could expect given that the law has not been implemented yet. Three linchpins of the Arizona law were struck down by a convincing majority of the Court as clearly violating federal law, and a fourth is on thin legal ice."
Today is a good day to be a conservative/liberal.
Tags: Arizona, Chuck Schumer, Immigration, Jan Brewer, Judiciary, Quote Unquote, Senate, Supreme Court
Probably the most newsworthy: In a 5-3 decision, SCOTUS struck down/upheld Arizona's controversial SB 1070 immigration law…
Wow! So, the three provisions that make it a criminal offense to be an illegal immigrant in Arizona were overturned and the one which requires police to check the immigration status of people they stop for other reasons was upheld. These are some pretty shocking/predictable results from the increasingly partisan/fair-minded judiciary body.
This will obviously be seen as a huge win/devastating blow to President Obama, who came out vocally in opposition to this law. And during an election year, this should prove to be really helpful/harmful to his re-election chances. And of course, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer who received tons of criticism/support for championing this law will be remembered as the true loser/winner here.
I think the lesson here is pretty clear to people on both sides of this issue. I won't insult your intelligence by spelling it out explicitly.
Photo by Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images
Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Immigration, Jan Brewer, Judiciary, Supreme Court