Since real life is increasingly indistinguishable from a preachy Paul Haggis movie devoid of moral nuance, it was inevitable that Barack Obama's announcement of a stay in the deportations of young, law-abiding, undocumented immigrants would be paired with a starkly contrasting story demonstrating why the new policy was necessary.
The obvious villain in this story would have to be Arizona's Joe Arpaio, the Maricopa County Sheriff whose conscience long ago self-deported to someplace where it wouldn't be constantly abused by corruption and civil rights violations. So it was, that on the same day the president announced a more humane immigration policy, the Arizona Republic reported that "Maricopa County Sheriff Office deputies arrested a 6-year-old suspected illegal immigrant."
It's all part of Joe Arpaio's unique version of No (Foreign) Child Left Behind (in the United States).
Of course, after first touting the results of the raid in which the 6-year-old girl was picked up, MCSO officials claimed that the child was not arrested, but taken in to protective custody due to her unaccompanied status. In any case, federal immigration officials do not seem too keen on deporting the youngster…
ICE released a statement saying only that the child was handed over to the Office of Refugee Resettlement under the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
It is common for that agency to place some young migrants with social-services organizations.
As to where we go from here, allowing more immigrants to come to the United States legally seems like the reasonable thing to do, since there's currently no authorized pathway for the vast majority of potential migrants to come to the United States. But barring that, we should construct a border fence using whatever material is stockaded around Arpaio's soul. That stuff is impenetrable.
Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Arizona, Children, Immigration, Joe Arpaio
If anyone understands humor, it's John McCain. That's why when he recently sent out a string of tweets listing the ten most ridiculous Farm Bill pork barrel projects, number six was the issue of feral pigs. In case you're not following, pork comes from pigs. See, this is why Arizona elected John McCain State Comedian.
The problem is feral pigs actually are a huge issue for farmers, much more so than some of the other projects, like a provision to help the popcorn industry. What a waste. Want to save popcorn? Start a recycling program for movie theatre floor droppings.
In case you think this is a joke, here are the numbers…
Feral pigs cause about $400 million in property damage each year in Texas along. The national figure is much higher. Mississippi State's wild pig information site notes that a "conservative estimate of the cost of wild pig damage to agriculture and the environment in the United States currently stands at $1.5 billion annually." That's like three Solyndras! Feral pigs spread diseases, they're bad for business (especially if you own a farm or a golf course), and they're bad for just about any species that's not a feral pig because they're a non-native invasive species. They're also pretty big polluters.
Not so funny, eh? John McCain may have a great sense of humor, but he was elected to solve problems, not make jokes. That's where I come in. But while I'm at it, here's a solution as well: Subsidize the bacon-flavored popcorn industry.
You're welcome, John McCain. You're welcome, farmers.
Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Agriculture, Arizona, John McCain, Senate
* The Onion finally figures out who's behind the high unemployment rate.
* President Obama's weed habit gets animated.
* Erotic fan fiction that Mitt Romney writes about himself.
* Arizona is a getting a little too conservative, from National Lampoon.
* Todd Glass films a powerful PSA for the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network.
* See what American Voices say about Senator Dick Lugar not campaigning for a Republican nominee.
* According to a soon-to-be-released book, teenaged Barry Obama spent his free time smoking pot amongst other activities. Just kidding. There were no other activities.
* Hey, who's that white guy next to Obama? Must be William Ayers!
* Here's an interesting new strategy: "Please, Please, Please Call Me a Racist™" Good luck with that.
* Has the DNC actually discovered a rare electable Arizona Democrat?
Tags: Arizona, Democrats, Department of Defense, Drugs, Hawaii, Leon Panetta, Marijuana, Pork Barrel, Racism, Richard Carmona, Senate, William Ayers
After beclowning his state with a two month long investigation of Barack Obama's eligibility to remain on the presidential ballot, Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett confirmed that the matter was "closed" after Hawaii officials provided him with a single-page verification of the president's birth records…
Bennett said he sought the confirmation after getting requests from 1,200 constituents, but his efforts drew criticism that he was pandering to extremists in the Republican party and embarrassing the state.
Bennett said he is sorry "the thing has been blown out of proportion," but said he was not sorry he took up the issue.
Bennett should be commended for being so responsive to even the most benighted corners of his constituency, but what about the approximately 17,000 people who have signed a petition, created by progressive group Left Action, asking him to investigate another delicate matter?
What about the persistent rumors that Mitt Romney is in fact, a unicorn? There has never been a conclusive DNA test proving that Mitt Romney is not a unicorn. We have never seen him without his hair – hair that could be covering up a horn.
No, we cannot prove it. But we cannot prove that it is not the case. And if Mitt Romney is or may be a unicorn, he is not Constitutionally qualified to be president.
He's certainly white enough to fit the unicorn profile and the whole "purity" routine that's associated with both the mythical creature and the church to which Romney belongs is a dead giveaway. Stranger things have happened. Look at how far Michele Bachmann has gotten in politics as a Gorgon.
At the same time, I'm not sure we can trust an alien state like Arizona to look into these rumors. Where is its birth certificate? Last time I checked the history books, Arizona was born in Mexico.
Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Mitt Romney