Rep. Steve King Warns of Dystopic Wasteland Future if Women Get Birth Control with No Co-Pay

Look, it's bad enough that Barack Obama's Affordable Care Act offers people affordable health care, but what's up with this new provision which allows women to get free birth control. Why, that's nothing more than the government-issued pre-abortions for sex-crazed harlots! What's next? Free pedicures and manicures?!*

Conservatives are understandably dismayed with this new witchery, but none have expressed the grave dangers posed by its implementation better than Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa). A quick warning before you read his words: They just might chill you to the bone…

"They've called it preventative medicine. Preventative medicine. Well if you applied that preventative medicine universally what you end up with is you've prevented a generation.

"Preventing babies from being born is not medicine. That's not — that's not constructive to our culture and our civilization. If we let our birth rate get down below replacement rate we're a dying civilization."

It's very hard to argue with that kind of logic. A + B = C, right? Women plus free birth control pills equals the end of all humanity! There is literally no other way to look at this provision other than as a direct affront to all of God's creation.

We all knew that Barack Obama's motives in securing health care to all Americans was nefarious. But who could have guess that his master plan involved wiping out the human race?

Come to think of it, I'm sure a lot of Glenn Beck fans were hip to that a while ago.

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^{* Actual argument actually made by an actual Fox News "expert."}

Photo by Scott J. Ferrell/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

Tags: Armageddon, Health, Health Care, House of Representatives, Iowa, Men and Women, Sex, Steve King, Women's Rights

From the Pork Barrel: Pandering Down the Road

* Ever notice how Sarah Palin only wears that Star of David in places where she might run into Jews? Do you think maybe she's confusing them with vampires?

* Tea Party politician Rand Paul thinks people who go "to radical political speeches by religious leaders… who is promoting the violent overthrow of our government" should be sent to prison. You know, either there or the Senate.

* Looks like Politico's Ben Smith is in the Charlie Sheen phase of internet celebrity.

* Newt Gingrich considering discussing his infidelities with Evangelicals concerned he might not know the true meaning of the word "grovel."

* Michele Bachmann thinks Armageddon might be right around the corner. Also thinks she has a shot at the White House. Eh, same thing kinda.

Photo by Ray Tamarra/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Tags: Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner's Penis, Armageddon, Ben Smith, Bill of Rights, Christianity, Constitution, Jewish, Kentucky, Marriage, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Rand Paul, Religion, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Senate, Sex, Tea Party

Tworld News: Week of May 27, 2011

This week there was a lot of news, and there were a lot of funny tweets. Using our top secret browsing/perusing algorithm, we discovered the rare moments where those two things crossed paths. Your week, tweetified:

It's about time someone made a documentary about Sarah Palin; when is this woman gonna get the media attention she deserves?

The only real mistake Barack Obama made in the presence of the Queen was the 'diplomatic' choice not to use his secretly famous cockney accent when asking for seconds.

Read More »

Tags: Armageddon, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Movies, Oprah Winfrey, Paul Ryan, Primaries, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Tworld News

Stephen Colbert Prepares for the GlennPocalypse!

I'm pretty sure that this is what the Mayans were warning us about all those millennia ago. And, come to think of it, I'm pretty sure they shared Beck's worldview as it pertained to hoarding gold…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: Armageddon, Fox, Glenn Beck, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

National Armageddon Forestalled for Fortnight Fortunately

This is good news in a very loose sense of the phrase "good news"…

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid said Tuesday that the Senate will accept a bill from the Republican-led House to fund the government for two additional weeks, likely averting the government shutdown that would otherwise have come Friday.

The bill will likely pass the House Tuesday afternoon and, according to Reid, move to the Senate within the next two days. The White House has signaled that it will then be signed by President Obama.

Excellent! This gives us all an extra two weeks get our personal business taken care of before hordes of angry governmentless people hit the streets with Molotov cocktails and diesel-powered weed wackers.

Only thing is, what if we've already mercy-killed our families to get a jump on things?

Tags: Armageddon, Harry Reid, House of Representatives, Senate