Chinese Commie Babies Still Smarter Than Fat U.S. Freedom Teens

Surprise! American students are still way stupider than the hormonal pubescent offspring of pretty much everywhere else — especially Red China! Well, the kids in Shanghai, at least…

With China's debut in international standardized testing, students in Shanghai have surprised experts by outscoring their counterparts in dozens of other countries, in reading as well as in math and science, according to the results of a respected exam.

Despite the much-ballyhooed phenomenon of "helicopter parenting," American kids are a little above average in reading, crappy at science, and totally awful at math. Surely, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan will have some sort of explanation for how the evil Chinese SHANGHAI'D the top spot (HA!), or how American children would score highest in FEELINGS AWARENESS if that were a subject, right?

"I know skeptics will want to argue with the results, but we consider them to be accurate and reliable, and we have to see them as a challenge to get better," he added. "The United States came in 23rd or 24th in most subjects. We can quibble, or we can face the brutal truth that we’re being out-educated."

Jesus, Arne, why don't you just take a shit on an American flag to make your point clearer? You and your oddly-spelled first name can go ahead and move to CHINA if you like it there so much!

New York Gov. David Paterson Says Something Funny by Accident

I am thirteen years old inside my brain, so this is obviously the best thing ever…

"We thank President Barack Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan for coming up with The Race to the Cock."

With all due respect to the Gov. Paterson, I used to live in New York, and Obama and Duncan had nothing to do with that. They've been running that race in Chelsea for years.

Colbert on Obama's Proposed Longer School Day

Have you heard? President Obama wants to extend school days and maybe even abolish Summer vacation. It's all part of his evil plan to indoctrinate the nation's children with knowledge. And before you know it, the President's army of brainiacs will be coming to take our jobs. In fact, from the looks of last night's Colbert Report, it may have already started.

After the jump, Stephen talks to Education Secretary Arne Duncan.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

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