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Assassinations
  • Fake Fake Assassination Attempt on President Rocks Conservative World

    Oh my God! Did you hear about the assassination attempt on Barack Obama?!

    Well, not an actual assassination attempt. A make-believe one planned by the President himself.

    Also, not an actual make-believe assassination attempt planned by the President. A rumor about one that somebody supposedly heard tell of somehow and then posted about on some blog somewhere.

    Oh… My… God!

    A Republican member of the Tennessee state legislature emailed constituents Tuesday morning with a rumor circulating in conservative circles that President Barack Obama is planning to stage a fake assassination attempt in an effort to stop the 2012 election from happening.

    Stop right there! Stop reading, and consider something. These are adult people who are spreading this rumor. I only mention because because you might be inclined, midway through that last paragraph to forget that, and think that we're talking about 10-year-old children. But, no, they are in fact adults.

    And at least one of them is an elected official…

    Read More »


    Tags: Assassinations, Barack Obama, Homeland Security, State Legislature, Tennessee
  • College Republican Leader Urges Y'all to Resist Temptation to Shoot Obama

    In the wake of a shooting incident that left one bullet lying in "in the exterior area of the White House" and another round stopped by ballistic glass, many were left pondering serious questions. Who could be demented enough to fire shots at the White House? How could the shooter get so close as to fire a round that cracked a window on the second floor residence? Was the alleged shooter, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez of Idaho, motivated to commit this crime because "hates the president, he hates Washington" (and what gave that away?)?

    And then, there is the question most people dared not ask, because they are neither psychotic nor evil: should I shoot the president?

    At 2:29 p.m. ET, UT's Lauren E. Pierce wrote: "Y'all as tempting as it may be, don't shoot Obama. We need him to go down in history as the WORST president we've EVER had! #2012."

    Pierce, the president of the College Republicans at UT Austin, told ABC News the comment was a "joke" and that the "whole [shooting incident] was stupid." Giggling, she said that an attempted assassination would "only make the situation worse."

    "Insofar as she’s a representative [of the College Republicans], maybe it shouldn't be said, but she's made a positive statement in a way,"  said Cassie Wright, the group's vice president.

    Thank you, for that "positive" public service announcement. I await future UT College Republican PSAs with baited breath:
    "Y'all, as fun as it sounds, don't repeatedly hit yourself in the stomach with a tire iron."
    "Y'all, as yummy as it is, cyanide is not a part of a balanced diet."
    "Y'all, as tempting as it may be, don't send dumbass tweets about how appealing it might be to shoot the president."

    Photo by Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Assassinations, Barack Obama, Guns, Republicans, Texas, White House
  • Alabama Teacher Will Somehow Have to Explain Geometry Without Using Presidential Assassination Attempts as an Example

    How many times do we have to go over this, people? Role-playing the assassination of the first-ever black President of the United States has no place in a high school geometry class. No, not even in an Alabama high school geometry class.

    Especially not in an Alabama high school geometry class, really…

    A Jefferson County teacher picked the wrong example when he used as­sassinating President Bar­ack Obama as a way to teach angles to his geome­try students…

    The teacher was appar­ently teaching his geometry students about parallel lines and angles, officials said. He used the example of where to stand and aim if shooting Obama.

 "He was talking about angles and said, 'If you're in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,' " said Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class…

    "We did not find a credible threat," said Roy Sex­ton, special agent in charge of Birmingham's Secret Service office. "As far as the Secret Service is concerned, we looked into it, we talked to the gentleman and we have closed our investigation."

    Listen, Alabama. We're all well aware that you're super-excited to get to the point where you can maybe one day get to talk about this in your history classes. But this is just not an acceptable placeholder. Think of it this way: Fantasy presidential assassinations are on one line, and your geometry classes are on a separate, parallel, line. Those two lines are never going to cross. Get used to it.

    And, no, your chemistry teachers probably shouldn't describe the effect that hydrochloric acid would have on the President's face either.


    Tags: Alabama, Assassinations, Barack Obama, Education, Science & Technology
  • Jon Stewart on Iraq's "Successful" Elections

    Despite widespread violence and multiple assassinations, the recent elections in Iraq are being hailed by some as not only a success, but a vindication for President Bush. It's kind of like that time the handle fell off your coffee cup, so you went to the hardware store to get glue, but instead of the hardware store, you crashed your car through the front window of an Applebee's and insisted the cooks make you an Awesome Blossom. They don't serve Awesome Blossoms at Applebee's, but damn if you didn't force them to figure it out, and for that you deserve a hearty congratulations.

    The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.


    Tags: Assassinations, CNN, Fox, George W. Bush, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, Video
  • This Unprecedented Number of Death Threats Against the President Is, Like, Seriously Killing the Secret Service

    Wanna hear something funny about the right wing response to Barack Obama's presidency so far?

    The Boston Globe reports that a new internal Congressional Research Service report and government sources say there are an unprecedented number of death threats against President Obama — and that the Secret Service is insufficiently funded and staffed to deal with them

    [T]he election of Barack Obama has increased threats against the president's life by 400 percent from his predecessor, according to "In the President's Secret Service," Ronald Kessler's account of presidential security… The Southern Poverty Law Center issued a report back in August that found that the number of white supremacist militia groups has spiked by 35% since 2000.

    Whoops! Sorry. My mistake. Turns out that wasn't funny. Like at all. No, that wasn't even a little bit. It was actually kind of more like terrifying and depressing than it was funny. Yikes! After only ten months, people already hate and want to kill Barack Obama 400 percent more than they hated and wanted to George W. Bush after eight years? When you get right down to it, that's pretty much the exact opposite of funny. Wouldn't you say?

    Hmmmmmm… I wonder what is the one thing that white supremisist militia groups — not to mention the health care protesters with guns and people on writing Facebook polls about whether or not Barack Obama should be killed — hate most about him. What could it be?  Wow. This is a very difficult question to answer.

    I suppose they're just really, really oppose a public option for health care. I mean, that's pretty much the only thing I can think of.


    Tags: Assassinations, Barack Obama, Racism, Secret Service