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Associated Press
  • AP: Is Barack Obama Too Not Stupid for America?

    The Associated Press is apparently gunning for the much coveted anti-intelligence demographic (otherwise known as Fox's audience)…

    Put aside for a moment the question of whether government is actually intruding into people's lives more than before. The point is that many people feel like it is — in part because Obama doesn't stop talking about his goals.

    If President George W. Bush got slapped around for being inarticulate, is Obama obnoxiously articulate?

    Wow! That is a really good question. One that really needs to be considered and discussed. I think that our generation might just be defined by this very weighty question.

    I mean, I myself would like to offer my thoughts on this issue of obnoxious articulation… but I don't know what that means.

    And I'll be fucking dead in the ground before I crack open one of those liberal dictionary things. That's where The Devil lives.


    Tags: Associated Press, Barack Obama, Education, George W. Bush
  • Government-Mandated Killing of the Elderly for Dummies

    Here's a handy little video from the Associated Press that explains how President Obama's would-be death panels aimed at killing the kindest and gentlest of our nation's grandparents got their start and achieved such monumental national popularity…


    Tags: Associated Press, Barack Obama, Health Care
  • Barack Obama Wears a Helmet, Looks Like a D-Bag


    If an alien race landed on this planet and spent a few days paying attention to the way we decide our world leaders, I'm pretty sure atomize us into oblivion just to put us out of our misery. And they'd be justified in doing so.

    Here's the big news today: Barack Obama rode a bike, wore a helmet, looked like a dork. Granted, he did ride a bike, he did wear a helmet, and he did look like a dork. All of that is undeniable.

    Even Obama himself acknowledges that

    "I knew that the [Associated Press] was going to take a picture, and they were trying to portray it like Dukakis wearing that tank helmet," Obama told donors at a $2,300-a-plate fundraiser in Chicago hosted by F.K Day, the president of World Bicycle Relief.

    "But I wanted to make sure that the children who saw that picture knew that even the Democratic nominee for president wears a helmet when he goes biking," he said to hearty applause.

    Yes, that's an incredibly important message to send to the kids. Bike-related head injuries must ruin the lives of tens of children a year.

    But you know what is responsible for more injuries and ruins more children's lives?

    Looking like a dork.


    Tags: Accessories, Associated Press, Barack Obama
  • Barack Obama Wins According to AP's Invisible Math

    The Associated Press — which we already know enjoys "100% reporting incorrectly" — is calling the race for Barack Obama, saying that, according to their math, he's already won…

    Barack Obama effectively clinched the Democratic presidential nomination Tuesday, based on an Associated Press tally of convention delegates, becoming the first black candidate ever to lead his party into a fall campaign for the White House.

    Funny thing is, they never get around to showing us their numbers or where exactly 39.5 delegates popped up from since this morning.

    But I did read it on my computer screen, so it must be 100% correct.


    Update:
    More on the AP's math. They added this illustrative bit of pseudo-information…

    The AP tally was based on public commitments from delegates as well as more than a dozen private commitments. It also included a minimum number of delegates Obama was guaranteed even if he lost the final two primaries in South Dakota and Montana later in the day.


    Tags: Associated Press, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton
  • AP Pulls John McCain Out of the Closet

    The Associated Press has made an astonishing, mind-blowing, reality-bending allegation about John McCain

    The independent label sticks to John McCain because he antagonizes fellow Republicans and likes to work with Democrats. But a different label applies to his actual record: conservative.

    No!

    No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

    Nooooooooooooooo!!!!

    Wait… Oh, yes. Yeah, he's totally a conservative. I mean, there's the war and his opposition to abortion rights and his opposition to gay rights and there's that whole thing about him sucking up to Jerry Falwell. Total conservative. Very, very conservative.

    Sorry, I got the words "conservative" and "hermaphrodite" confused.*

    So, why is this news?


    *My second she-male joke today. I need to bring this up with my psychologist.**
    ** "My psychologist" is what I call the guy who sells me porn.


    Tags: Associated Press, John McCain