The Mayan apocalypse is neither Mayan nor an apocalypse, but the world has been preparing by:
1. Building an ark. A Dutchmen named Pieter Frank van der Meer has purchased a $17,000 enclosed lifeboat and installed a toilet, a sink and a child's car seat in preparation for the floods he expects to accompany doomsday. Can't he just put his finger in the dike?
2. Building a bigger ark. Lu Zhenhai, from landlocked western China, has dedicated his life savings to building a 21-meter-long monument to human irrationality.
3. Closing schools. More than 30 Michigan schools closed due to violent threats made in relation to the Mayan "prediction," because people can be terrible.
Tags: Australia, China, Conspiracies, Mexico, NASA, Star Wars, Ukraine
Australia is one of America's most stalwart allies, holding the distinction of being the only country possessing enough loyalty, friendship, and stupidity to fight alongside the United States in every major conflict since World War II (unlike those "pommy bastards" who sat out Vietnam).
So when the U.S. had the temerity to inflict a Kim Kardashian visit on an innocent Australian public, there was only one way to make up for it: an official visit by President Obama, who was able say g'day to the Aussies and their Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, in their own lingo…
I know there is some concern here that your Australian language is being Americanized so perhaps its time for us to reverse the trend. Tonight with your permission I'd like to give it a burl ("give it a try"). I want to thank the prime minister for a very productive meeting that we had today, I think she’ll agree that it was a real chinwag ("good chat").
When Julia and I meet we listen to each other, we learn from each other, it’s not just a lot of ear-bashing ("telling you a thing or two") — that’s a good one, ear bashing. I can use that in Washington. (laughs) There’s a lot of ear-bashing sometimes. That’s been the story of our two nations. Through a century of progress and struggle we have stood together in good times and in bad. We've faced our share of sticky wickets ("difficult circumstances"). In some of our darkest moments when our countries have been threatened, when we needed a friend to count on, we’ve always been there for each other.
I see a couple explanations for how Obama was able to charm the Australians with a little chinwagging and humor as dry as a dead dingo's donger. Barack Obama could in fact be an Australian-borne half-kangaroo-half-man human-animal hybrid (it's a complicated theory, here's a starting point)…or, the yabber could be part of a calculated diplomatic-military offensive…
Australia has agreed to host a full US Marine task force in the coming years, Prime Minister Julia Gillard has announced at a news conference with US President Barack Obama in Canberra.
She said about 250 US Marines would arrive next year, eventually being built up to 2,500 personnel. The deployment is being seen as a move to counter China's growing influence. But Mr Obama said the US was "stepping up its commitment to the entire Asia-Pacific", not excluding China.
2,500 Marines are not enough to counter a 2 million+ strong People's Liberation Army, so I'm sorry Australia, but we're probably coming to take your…what, you don't have oil? Fine, your coal and gold. You've been warned.
Photo by Stefan Postles/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Australia, Barack Obama, China, International Affairs, Military
Ever wonder why that Welsh guy on your Ultimate Frisbee team always gets pissed (annoyed, not drunk) when you're all out getting pissed (drunk, not annoyed) and you say something like, "Ah, Welsh, English… whatever. You all live in England"? Or what the Queen of England is doing on that money you brought back from that weird creepy strip club across the border in Canada? Or why — when you went into hiding after that business deal gone awry and you woke up in the hull of a schooner just off the South Sandwich Islands — the city in which you pulled yourself bleeding from the freezing cold south Atlantic Ocean was named after King Edward?
Well, this video should clear things up for you…
(via The Daily What)
Tags: Australia, Canada, Europe, Ireland, New Zealand, Queen Elizabeth, Religion, United Kingdom
by Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito
Because you need a break from the mild catharsis of being pissed off at the news all the time…
Should we blame God, Allah, or the Internet for blatant ignorance? Wait, never mind, they're all the same person anyway.
This was still going on? I totally thought it got canned after season 3. It's like, we get it: advance a little, retreat a little, advance, kill some terrorist sympathizers, retreat– snorefest.
This seems like a crazy thing to say, until you remember how many times you've cried at the mere sight of an Oakland Raiders fan.
Everything has gone downhill for these people since September 4, 2006. Miss you, Steve.
The defense could have ended this immediately with the trusty old 'federal agent, shmederal agent' dismissal technique. Don't they teach these kids anything in law school anymore?
Hang in there Mel, we know it may seem like your work is done, but with a little research we think you'll find there are actually still a fair amount of ethnic groups left for you to offend.
@heidimontag ohemgeeee — ur face is 2 die 4! #toosoon?
Bobby Fischer! Where is he? I don't know! I don't know! (dead…but not a deadbeat dad!)
Craigslist killer kills himself in jail; probably after being scammed on Craigslist.
Steven Tyler and Simon Cowell have so much in common. Just think about it, for starters both of their first names start with the letter 'S', and also…uh…well…other things too.
Get your tweet on, follow @TheInDecider!
Tags: Australia, Barack Obama, Iraq, Mel Gibson, Rod Blagojevich, Sharron Angle, Twitter, Tworld News
You know that video of "the indiscriminate slaying of over a dozen people in the Iraqi suburb of New Baghdad — including two Reuters news staff" that everyone was watching last week? Your Aunt Ginny probably forwarded it to you along with that montage of the kittens sneezing. Well, that video (the murder one, not the kitten one) was released via WikiLeaks, a Sweden-based website that publishes leaked (and often embarrassing) documents and videos anonymously to the Internet.
Last night, Stephen had WikiLeaks director Julian Assange on the show to discuss his hilarious contribution to Internet chatter…
The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.
Tags: Australia, Iraq, Julian Assange, Military, Stephen Colbert, Sweden, The Colbert Report, Video, WikiLeaks