Rick Santorum Is Against Throwing Grandmothers Off a Cliff

Rick Santorum is risking all his presidential hopes on one key demographic: women. From his hardline stance on abortion, to his hardline stance on contraception, to his hardline stance on women in the military, he wants all the women in this country to know that he cares about their safety. Especially if that means keeping them safe from their own decisions.

Most women have the wrong idea about Santorum. He doesn't hate us. In fact, he frames every issue, social or economic, around how he believes women should be treated…

A voter asked Santorum about his plans to strengthen Social Security. He responded by saying the current system, under which people can retire at age 62 and live for another two decades, is unsustainable. That's a truth, he said, that politicians are unwilling to speak because it will result in campaign attack ads saying that people like him want to "throw Grandma off the cliff."

"Sixty-two-year-old grandmas aren't in a wheelchair, and they’ll punch back if you try to push them off the cliff," he said.

See? Santorum knows how strong women can be. Ladies, I say we give this candidate a second look. It's very brave of him to always go out on a ledge to protect us.

And if we all vote for someone else in the upcoming election, we should be able to give him just the push he needs to finally send him over the edge of that ledge.

Photo by T.J. Kirkpatrick/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Auto Industry, Church v. State, Michigan, Primaries, Rick Santorum, Social Security

Our Endorsements: Judd Nelson Tells Women About Their Bodies

* A star-studded cast takes on women's reproductive rights, from Funny or Die.

* The Chris Matthews show takes a jab at Mitt Romney, the awkward artist.

* This Chevy Volt commercial parody proves that electric cars are firing up the nation.

* From The Onion, the cost of living is getting pretty serious.

* Sacha Baron Cohen's Dictator gets a little Kim Jong-Il on Ryan Seacrest.

Tags: Auto Industry, Barack Obama, Big Hollywood, Chris, Daily Links, Economy, Funny or Die, Kim Jong Il, Mitt Romney, The Onion, Tim Meadows, Women's Rights

Mitt Romney's Wife Drives Two Cadillacs and a Solid Gold Carriage

Making fun of Mitt Romney trying to connect with the common man is like shooting fish in a barrel. Only the fish all have thumbs and are armed with guns that fire underwater, and they're all really excited about shooting one another, so you actually don't have to do any work at all.

It's easy, is what I mean.

Take this latest example, in which Romney addressed the Detroit Economic Club about the strength of American automotives…

"I drive a Mustang and a Chevy pickup truck," the candidate said. "Ann drives a couple of Cadillacs, actually."

Laugh if you must. Yes, laugh, sitting there on your seat cushion that probably isn't alpaca, thinking about your car that probably isn't two Cadillacs, imagining Romney's effete, aristocratic lilt as he says actually… actually, that is pretty funny.

But at least he's trying. Romney's been working at the whole "real person" thing for a while now, from talking about pooping in a hole in France to trying to be funny sometimes.

Luckily his opponents are Gingrich, Santorum and Paul. Voters might find a creepy, distant humanoid better than three humans if it's those three.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Auto Industry, Michigan, Mitt Romney, Republicans

Newt Gingrich Is Pro-Gun Rack, Anti-Electric Car

Newt Gingrich wants to have his cake and eat it, too: He wants to laud American industries while also criticizing the auto bailout, he puts on the airs of a morally righteous man while his ex-wives air a different story, and he acts like an intellectually superior blowhard while also trying to be some sort of redneck whisperer…

On Monday, Republican hopeful Newt Gingrich spoke at a town hall at Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and criticized the Obama Administration for encouraging Americans to buy more fuel-economical vehicles.

"The President has said, you know, you ought to buy smaller cars," Gingrich quipped. "Now, let me start with a simple premise that most Oklahomans will understand: You cannot put a gun rack in a Volt!"

Gingrich also claims that President Obama is trying "downsize" America's cars by increasing electric car subsidies, which makes total sense if downsizing means "to spur growth." Since it's Opposite Day, let's also agree the auto industry went bankrupt trying to get Americans to buy more fuel-efficient cars.

As a Texan, I agree with Gingrich that a simple premise is required in order to get most Oklahomans to understand it, but I resent him trying to saddle up to the gun rack demographic and insulting their intelligence in the same breath. After all, only East and West Coast elitists are allowed to insult the intelligence of rednecks. That's the only way they know how to protect themselves. Take that away from them, and they may resort to buying guns themselves…

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Tags: Auto Industry, Energy & Oil, Guns, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans

Stephen Colbert on Mitt Romney & Donald Trump in Michigan

Now — with Donald Trump in his corner — Mitt Romney seems like a pretty unstoppable force in Michigan. Especially with the sentient gold bullion demographic.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: Auto Industry, Donald Trump, Michigan, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video