Move over, 50 Shades of Gray. Who needs boring Twilight fan fiction when the next great American erotic novel is written on a plaque at a Hyde Park shopping center outside of Chicago…
"On our first date, I treated her to the finest ice cream Baskin-Robbins had to offer, our dinner table doubling as the curb. I kissed her, and it tasted like chocolate."
This historical marker is newly erected and hard as granite. Much like Barack Obama's determination to win over the sexy lawyer at the law firm where he worked during the sultry summer of 1989.
She resisted his advances initially, but he proved to be a helpful member of the firm. Their lust for each other has never wavered, and to this day, you can still catch them expressing their unbridled passion for each other in public (see photo, right).
Did you enjoy the last two paragraphs? If so, you're gonna love my soon-to-be self-published novel 31 Flavors of Chocolate.
Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Bain Capital, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Mitt Romney
Look. Playing that game where you try to connect Mitt Romney to Bain Capital is pretty boring. Mostly because Mitt Romney was a co-founder of Bain Capital, but also because I spent about three hours doing it last week. (Turns out it's just one degree.)
But, the game becomes much more interesting if you handicap yourself by going through Mitt Romney's running mate. Here, let's give it a try…
1. Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate.
2. Paul Ryan is brothers with his brother Tobin Ryan, a private equity executive.
3. Tobin Ryan used to work as a manager for the global management consulting firm Bain & Company.
4. Several former Bain & Company partners — included Mitt Romney — founded Bain Capital in 1984.
I did it! I did it! And in just four degrees! OMG! I'm a genius! I'm a super-genius! (To be fair, I did get a little help from this article in CNN Money.)
What does this mean? I don't really know. I'm assuming it actually means something incredibly crazy or it means nothing at all. Or possibly something in between. It's been a while since I've read the Constitution, and I don't remember if they had a clause about having business ties to brothers of your vice-president.
At any rate, the article points out that Romney and Tobin never worked at Bain & Company at the same time. Though –and don't quote me on this — I think that Tobin's brother Paul is currently working with Mitt Romney on some kind of a national endeavor. Could be pretty juicy. I'll keep my eyes peeled.
Photo by Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: Bain Capital, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan
Sen. Harry Reid has done what nobody else in the country has been able to do! He's cracked the case on the Mystery of Mitt Romney's Undisclosed Tax Returns! And all it took was a little help from a magical invisible friend…
A month or so ago, [Herry Reid] said, a person who had invested with Bain Capital called his office.
"Harry, he didn't pay any taxes for 10 years," Reid recounted the person as saying. "He didn't pay taxes for 10 years! Now, do I know that that's true? Well, I'm not certain," said Reid. "But obviously he can't release those tax returns. How would it look?
"You guys have said his wealth is $250 million," Reid went on. "Not a chance in the world. It's a lot more than that. I mean, you do pretty well if you don't pay taxes for 10 years when you're making millions and millions of dollars."
Yes, this is certainly a believable story. "Hello? Hi, I'm some anonymous guy from Bain Capital, and I have a piece of bombshell information for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Speaking. Don't use my name for this, but I happen to know that Mitt Romney went an entire decade without paying taxes. You don't say! Scout's honor. Well, thanks for the tip, none-make-believe person."
You know, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this is the same guy who was sending Donald Trump all that unbelievable information about the President's birth certificate from Hawaii.
Obviously, a story this flimsy is pretty much the easiest thing in the world for Mitt Romney to smack down. All he has to do is… Oh, right. Oh, I see the problem.
Photo by Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images
Tags: Bain Capital, Harry Reid, Mitt Romney, Money, Senate, Taxes
"Hey, if it gets Obama supporters into theaters. Maybe they'll buy thousands of Bane toys to throw at Romney. It all adds to MY Bane capital."
Well, whatever it takes to stimulate the economy.
Tags: Bain Capital, Mitt Romney, Money, Movies, Nerdiness