What I like about Barbara Walters is she's not afraid to ask the tough questions, no matter how inane or tree-related they are. She says what we're all thinking but don't say because we're afraid people will think we're dumb.
And one day, when Walters is honored with a lifetime achievement award, this interview in which she calls Chris Christie fat to his face will be the best part of the clip reel.
Skip to 1:50 for the Chris Christie clip. Or just start at the beginning– Barbara Walters asking Hillary Clinton about her hair is equally ridiculous:
Tags: Barbara Walters, Chris Christie, William Howard Taft
I do believe that I am quoting the timeless poet Bon Scott when I say, "Some balls are held for charity, and some for fancy dress. But when they're held for pleasure, they're the balls that I like best."
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.
Tags: Barbara Walters, Herman Cain, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, The Daily Show, Video
As you've probably heard, a lot of people are talking about President Obama appearing on that insipid TV show where a bunch of morons sit around and yap about bullshit for an hour. Why everyone is talking about Obama's last Meet the Press appearance is beyond me. That was like two years ago, you guys! You should be talking about him being on The View yesterday.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.
Tags: Barack Obama, Barbara Walters, Dana Perino, Dr. Phil, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Fox, George W. Bush, Jon Stewart, Sean Hannity, The Daily Show, The View, Video
So, after writing our response to Jezebel's scathing attack on the size of our penises and quality of our dingleberries, I quickly sent off this "frantic email" to their website's tip address…
Subject Heading: Concerning Indecision 2008 and Vehement Anger
I'm the news editor for the Indecision 2008 blog. So, first of all, thank you for all the traffic.
But, I thought I should let you know that you have your "Ah, Yes, The Boys Club And Their "Humor" post mis-categorized. Right now you have it in "Crap Blog Post From a Dude," when it should really be in "Crap Blog Post From a Chick."
Just thought you should know.
I know! I don't know what came over me. I must have just been so blinded with misogynistic fervor that those hateful words poured from my fingers like black bile.
Anyway, Jezebel was kind enough to write back… on Jezebel. You can — and should — read the whole thing here.
This whole thing is way too boring to respond to in full here on the blog, but I would like to vent on a few bits…
Naturally, he saw nothing funny in my piece or your comments…
That's not true. I found some of the comments funny.
…though I'm sure he found the comment "people need to lighten up and get the sand out of their vaginas" fucking hilarious…
Oh, yeah. I was rolling. You nailed it, Jezebel. That's my sense of humor.
Dennis ends with a defense of his sex life, letting me know he only sleeps with woman who have a sense of humor. Dennis, I've now seen pictures of you. I have to agree on that last bit.
Credit where credit is due: That is a good line. I wish I'd written it. If the rest of their posts on this made-up outrage were written with that kind of panache instead of the base scatology that they resorted to instead, I'd be all about them.
Anyway, so here's where we are.
* Jezebel exposes its own sexism by assuming a female comedy writer is a man, based upon zero information.
* Jezebel misrepresents — either by accident or on purpose — that female writer's satirical intent to make fun of Barbara Walters' overt sizism in a successful effort to stir a bunch of people who enjoy getting offended into getting offended.
* We respond in what I think was a pretty calm and sober fashion, making certain to keep our retorts confined to the subject being debated.
* We send our response to them via email.
* Jezebel responds on their blog, and makes a personal attack against me and the way I look.
Take a moment to let that sink in. Jezebel responded to a post about making fun of the way people look by making fun of the way I look.
So, which is it, Jezebel? Is it wrong to make fun of a person for the way he or she looks, or is it justified when done in the pursuit of exposing a wrong?
And, to be clear: The writer of the piece was not making fun of the way Hillary Clinton looks! She was making fun of Barbara Walters for making fun of the way Hillary Clinton looks.
First of all, Hillary Clinton is not overweight. Maybe she's overweight compared to that vapid, image-obsessed attention glutton named Barbara Walters, but she's perfectly fit as far as any of us can see. She's so not a "lard-ass." To characterize her like that is absurd. We honestly believed that people would understand that we were pushing Walters' comment to the extreme to show it as the idiotic sizist insult that it is.
And I think people were cool with it and did get the joke until Jezebel wasn't and didn't. And now everybody who's coming over from them is thrilled at the chance to be gloriously offended by the disgusting male chauvinists at Comedy Central. Well, too bad for you, because you won't find any over here. But, obviously, that won't stop some of you from being offended, because you're already invested in the idea.
I'd like to be offended by Jezebel calling me out on my ugliness, but I just can't. I mean, they're right. There's a reason I'm a writer and not a male model. I'm short, balding, near-sighted. I'm, like, creepily skinny, but I've still got this kind of bizarre-looking inner tube of fat around my waist. No matter how much antiperspirant I use, the underarms of my t-shirts are soaked within minutes. I don't know what the deal is with that. Oh, and let's not even get into the high-pitched and whiny tone of my voice. Anyway, I really can't argue with Jezebel on this point.
Thinking about this whole thing, I'd say our biggest trespass was writing "The vaginas over at Jezebel…" in the original post. You don't have to believe me when I say this — and you probably won't — but the writer definitely did not mean to offend Jezebel by calling them "vaginas." I can't speak for her, but I can only imagine that she — as a fan of the site — assumed that it would be read as playfulness.
But, I will say this right now: We apologize — honestly and unequivocally — for referring to the women of Jezebel as "vaginas." We are genuinely sorry to have offended anybody with that. Gigantic floppity misstep.
And just a quick note about "CubbyChaser." That's a portmanteau of "cub reporter" and "news chaser" (I think; can't remember exactly) with the added benefit of sounding like "chubby chaser," which, I suppose, was funny to us for around five minutes. It was originally created when we started blogging more seriously about specific news items to supplement our lists of which candidate most resembles which character from whatever. The intent was to post all the featurey stuff as "TheInDecider" and all the newsy stuff as "CubbyChaser." As time went by, we started adding more and more people to the news writing team, and they all got published as "CubbyChaser."
Anyway, the woman who wrote the piece that everyone's upset about is one of six different people who publish under that name. I can't tell you why we do things like that; it's not the best set up.
So, that's that. I hope everyone out there is still boiling over with rage over this highly important issue.
p.s. Yes, you can find a goodly number of pictures of my physical grotesqueness with a just quick hop over to Google Images.
Tags: Barbara Walters, Hillary Clinton, The View
Update: I don't know if anybody actually still cares about this nonsense, but Jezebel wrote a post today calling me out for being the unattractive nerdish-looking person that I am. And then I responded.
So, um, uh… Hey, how are you?
Us? Oh, we've been better. Earlier today, we posted a little bloggy thing called "How Barbara Walters Saved America From Hillary Clinton's Thunder Thighs" — which linked to a post in Jezebel that featured a clip from The View in which Barbara Walters gives a less than kind assessment of Hillary Clintons' bottom-half shape. And, um… people didn't like it. Not at all.
They thought it was "sexist." And "misogynistic." Probably because it referred to the women who work at Jezebel as "vaginas" and the good senator from New York as a "lard-ass." (You know, you've really gotta read it in context.)
The post got a lot of comments that were… not positive. No, "positive" is definitely not the word I'd use.
And, on top of that, Jezebel wrote a post about our post about their post, and… Well, you should just read an excerpt…
…let's not even get started on what I shall generously call the "content" of your post. Wow, it's so creative and original of you to comment that Hillary's got a big butt in, like, 5 completely different ways! Including "lard ass," which, frankly, I'm sure you know plenty about since you spend your day sitting on one of your own, trying not to crush your tiny, tiny penis and floppity testicles between your hairy, sweaty lardy thighs while shifting positions to scratch said sweaty lard ass. Did you reach down during one of those momentous scratching sessions and pull out this little dingleberry just for your readers? How sweet, and equally rank.
Dude, go fuck yourself because none of these vaginas (or, we assume, plenty of others out there) will be fucking you any time soon.
While I will concede that Jezebel's grandiose rage about our "tiny penis and floppity testicles" is much more nuanced and droll than our — quite possibly misguided — attempt to expand upon Barbara Walters' unfortunate characterizations of Senator Clinton's figure to the point of absurdity, thus exposing the rankness of The View's comments (or what is sometimes referred to as "satire"), we have one major issue with Jezebel's characterization of the writer of our original post…
She has neither a "tiny penis" nor "floppity testicles." She actually has a vagina. Or, as we'd prefer to say, she is a vagina. And, despite Jezebel's assessment of her, she's a very talented, intelligent and funny one. I'm not exactly certain why Jezebel assumed that she was a scrotum instead of a vagina. But whatever.
After the writer vagina wrote the offending post, three different people signed off on it: a vagina who serves as the features editor of Indecision 2008, a vagina who is the senior editor of all content across all of Comedy Central's websites, and me, a lowly scrotum who serves as our news editor. (And, sadly, I do in fact have a "tiny penis and floppity testicles." I have no idea how Jezebel knew. I guess the news gets around.)
We all looked at it, and we all thought it was funny. We thought people would see that we were making fun of Barbara Walters and not making fun of Hillary Clinton. Apparently, we were wrong. Three vaginas and one scrotum all missed the boat on this one.
And, for that, we're sorry.
We really are. We understand that tempers are running particularly high right now as Hillary Clinton's historic campaign draws to a close. We understand that a lot of people feel genuinely hurt at the lost opportunity to see a woman in the Oval Office for the first time in the history of ever. Spraying lemon juice into that fresh laceration was not our intention in the slightest. In fact, we've really tried to not make ad hominem attacks on Hillary Clinton, based upon her gender. (Well, mostly.) We agree with all of you: that's not funny. It's lazy and it's offensive and boring. We chose instead to make ad hominem attacks on Hillary Clinton based upon her poorly run campaign and bizarre strategic choices. Same as we did with every other candidate.
On this one, we should have worked harder to make sure that our intentions were more clearly telegraphed.
One last thing, though. Speaking as the lone scrotum in this whole affair, I'd like to address Jezebel's interest in the future of my sexual relationships.
Thank you for the information, Jezebel, but I'm not really all that concerned. I only "fuck" women with senses of humor.
Tags: Barbara Walters, Hillary Clinton, The View