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Battlestar Galactica
  • The Onion: Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale

    I hope this doesn't interfere with G-20 negotiations…

    According to sources in the White House, President Barack Obama has been uncharacteristically distant and withdrawn ever since last month's two-hour series finale of Battlestar Galactica.

    "The president seems to be someplace else lately," said one high-level official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Yesterday we were all being briefed on the encroachment of Iranian drone planes into Iraq, when he just looked up from the table and blurted out, 'What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?'"…

    In addition, sources confirmed that instead of meeting with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Monday, the depressed president sat alone in the Oval Office, scouring Internet message boards for posts by other fans about the series conclusion.

    I hear Jimmy Carter went through a similar funk when the original Battlestar Galactica went off the air in 1979. Same with Lyndon B. Johnson after F Troop was canceled and John Kennedy after he and his brother Bobby orchestrated Marilyn Monroe's "accidental" overdose.

    Those Democrats sure do get attached to their little distractions, don't they?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Battlestar Galactica, Jimmy Carter, John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Robert Kennedy, The Onion
  • A Bunch of Prominent, 25-Year-Old Male Political Bloggers Have Really Well-Thought-Out Public Policy Prescriptions for the Roslin-Adama Government in Battlestar Galactica

    **MINOR SPOILER ALERT** – Do not read further if you do not want to learn information about Battlestar Galactica akin to knowing that **CON AIR SPOILER ALERT** Dave Chappelle gets caught in the landing gear of the plane about 2/3 of the way through Con Air.

    The lowest blow delivered in the 2008 campaign as far as I'm concerned was when Sarah Palin dismissed bloggers as dorks who write in their pajamas from their parents basements. I mean, what do you call a guy who spent last Friday night watching Battlestar Galactica and last Saturday in his parents' basement writing up a public policy brief regarding the legitimacy of the Gaeta-Zarek coup? I mean, you'd probably call him a hero. A real, sex-getting hero.

    **MAJOR SPOILER ALERT** – Do not read further if you do not want to learn information about Battlestar Galactica akin to knowing that **MAJOR CON AIR SPOILER ALERT** – Nick Cage saves the day at the end of Con Air.

    Boomer shoots Adama, Cain is a major dildo, the Cylons invade New Caprica, Lee kamikazes the Pegasus, Starbuck isn't really dead, Tigh, Tyrol, Anders and Tory are cylons, the humans ally themselves with the sixes, Leobens and Sharons and find Earth together, Earth was nuked 2000 years ago, Gaeta is gay with Hoshi, Dee commits suicide, Ellen Tigh is the final cylon and Gaeta and Zarek are executed after trying to seize Galactica.

    That's right, notorious haters of old person airlock frenching Tom Zarek and Felix Gaeta staged an anti-cylon coup on Galactica, and Robert Farley of Lawyers, Guns and Money thinks they were right to do it, despite the massive red shirt carnage they wrought.

    Thus far, the Cylon have changed policy towards the Colonial government five times. The Cylon began the war by initiating a campaign of genocide against the colonials. They continued to pursue this campaign until, quite suddenly, the Cylon shifted to a policy of disengagement. This policy continued for about a year, until the Cylon undertook a policy which could be best described as benevolent despotism. Shortly after the failure of the despotism option, the Cylons resumed pursuit of genocide. After once again failing to accomplish genocide, the Cylon split between pro- and anti- genocide factions. More recently, the anti-genocide faction began throwing humans out the airlock of the base star, and training its weapons on the fleet.

    What this demonstrates is that Cylon attitudes and goals are fickle; it is difficult to predict what the Cylon will pursue next. This is hardly unsurprising, given that the Cylon have an alien psychology and decision making process. It does, however, suggest that belief that we can "trust" the Cylon is the purest folly; the Cylon cannot even trust themselves. At some unforeseen future point, the Cylon we accept into our fleet may well decide to resume the process of genocide, or once again decide to pursue benevolent despotism. This represents an unacceptable risk, given the perilous situation of humanity.

    I might be inclined to agree with that if it weren't so stupid, for obvious reasons. Spencer Ackerman agrees.

    Farley's rational-choice concerns a number of relevant and insightful questions about how to trust the rebel Cylons — entirely akin to the good questions about trusting the Anbar Awakening or Sons of Iraq to integrate with a distrustful and, to great degree, distrustworthy Shiite-dominated Iraqi government over the long term. But the rebel Cylons have gone much further than the Awakening/SOI ever have in demonstrating their good faith. From the perspective of the rebel Cylon, the destruction of the Resurrection Hub might rank as the greatest act of unilateral disarmament in the history of the galaxy. The rebel-Cylon models — all of them — have a distinctive feature that separates them from the hostiles: they want, in a recognizable sense, to be human, or at least human-like in significant ways. (Tigh is not going to suddenly shoot Adama.)

    Personally, I think all this rational-choice hemming and hawing will be rendered moot when we find out, in the very last episode, that all of the humans and cylons are characters in his whippet-addled nightmare.

    Tags: Battlestar Galactica
  • Battlestar Galactica and the 2008 Election: Vote or Be Resurrected

    Does the 2008 presidential election have something to do with the final 5? Is Battlestar Galactica giving us subtle hints about the last Cylon? Are we about to elect a Cylon into the White House? These questions and others may be answered right here, right now.

    (SPOILER ALERT for those who aren't up to BSG season 4)

    First of all, we have a secret Cylon aboard the Battlestar Galactica. Colonel Saul Tigh was revealed as a skin job at the end of Season 3, Crossroads Part 2. He also bears a striking resemblance to presidential candidate John McCain – in more ways than one:

    John McCain
    Colonel Saul Tigh –XO – Cylon
    Hot blonde wife Hot blonde wife
    Captured in Hanoi, tortured by the Vietnamese Captured on New Caprica, tortured by the Cylons
    Naval Aviator Naval Aviator
    Grew up in a military family Grew up in a military family
    Secretary named Lincoln Secretary named Kennedy
    Favors extreme military measures Favors extreme military measures
    Occasional ill-considered remarks Overall gruff manner
    Creepy old dude Creepy old dude
    Horseshoe baldness Horseshoe baldness
    Has never publicly said that he's NOT not a Cylon Secretly a Cylon

    Then, we have a known Cylon — Number 4, Simon, was revealed in the Season 2 episode, The Farm. Doesn't he kind of resemble another presidential candidate?

    Barack Obama
    Number 4 – Simon – Cylon
    African American Caprican American (you know what I mean)
    Campaigns as a "Washington Outsider" Only cylon model that has not been used as infiltration within the fleet
    Plays basketball Assume he plays basketball – or, er, Pyramid
    Comforting voice Comforting voice
    Has two daughters Worked at a human/Cylon insemination facility on Caprica
    Attended Columbia University & Harvard Law School Model based primarily on human intellectualism and logic
    Barack frakking kills a Starbucks grande soy latte every morning One of his models is killed by Starbuck
    Kinda looks like a Cylon – but he’s so damn inspiring A known Cylon

    Finally, we're left with one presidential hopeful and one potential Cylon. Are the BSG writers giving us some frakking clues to the identity of the final Cylon?

    Hillary Clinton
    President Laura Roslin (Cylon?)
    Wants to be President Female President (it's space, anything can happen)
    Hair always perfect in time of crisis Hair always perfect in time of crisis
    Important guy named Bill in her life Important guy named Bill in her life
    Big on education Big on education
    Loves power. I mean she's a woman, right? Am I right? Loves power. I mean she's a woman, right? Am I right?
    Lady Suits Lady Suits
    Has hope for America's future Has hope for future on Earth
    Writes memos on paper Writes memos on eight-sided paper
    She's not as hot as Six – but definitely frakkable Definitely frakkable – the final Cylon?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Battlestar Galactica, Hillary Clinton, John McCain