The Onion: U.S. Economy Grinds to Halt as Nation Realizes Money Just a Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

The Onion reports on a matter of some mild economic concern…

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed [Federal Reserve chairman Ben] Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it — the money, our whole economy — it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.

This is precisely the reason I got rid of all my money a few months ago and started investing in Glenn Beck commemorative chinaware.

Tags: Ben Bernanke, Economy, Federal Reserve, Money, Orrin Hatch, Senate, The Onion

Colbert Interviews Eliot Spitzer

On last night's Colbert Report, Eliot Spitzer made his first appearance on the show since the prostitution scandal that ended his Governorship. Now, obviously, there's an impulse to make cheap hooker jokes. After all, he's now a banking expert; the fucking-people-for-money zingers practically make themselves. But come on, there's a lot more to Eliot Spitzer than that. For example, he's bald.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Banks, Ben Bernanke, Economy, Eliot Spitzer, New York, Prostitution, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video, Wall Street

Senate Votes 70-30 To Keep Ben Bernanke Off the Unemployment Rolls

Imagine the chaos that would have ensued if the Senate hadn't voted to end a filibuster and confirm Ben Bernanke for a second term…

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), chairman of the Banking Committee, cast the first vote to end the filibuster after spending the last two weeks warning his colleagues about what rebuffing Bernanke would do the stock market. "Warren Buffett was asked on CNBC on this nomination. All he said [was], 'If you turn him down, let me know in a day or two of advance because I would like to sell off stocks.' Why? 'Because the message to the stock market would be a devastating one,'" Dodd told the chamber.

Got that? Now imagine the chaos that will ensue because Ben Bernanke just won a second term.

It'll be totally different.

Tags: Ben Bernanke, Chris Dodd, Economy, Federal Reserve, Senate

The Daily Show's Best Ben Bernanke Moments

As you know, the rumors have been all over the place. First it looked like he was out, and now they say he's still in. Of course the biggest question in either case is, how will the markets react? Well, that and will he go back to Jen? I guess all we can do is sit back and wait for Angelina to make a decision. And while we do that, why not enjoy these Daily Show videos about Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke?

Slim Thug: Still a Boss

The list continues below.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 1oc.

Read More »

Tags: Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke, Economy, Federal Reserve, Henry Paulson, John Hodgman, Jon Stewart, Recession, TARP, The Daily Show, Video, Wyatt Cenac

Ben Bernanke Beats a Chinese Worker

Time Magazine has named Ben Bernanke "Person of the Year" for 2009, the last year in which conversational date shorthand will be easy (oh-ten? ten?).

Wonder what Ben's critics on Capitol Hill think of this citation, especially the first bit…

"He was the great scholar of the Depression who saw another depression coming, and did everything he could to stop it," [Time managing editor Richard] Stengel said of Bernanke. "He's a controversial figure. He's a Republican appointed by a Democratic president. It's a really interesting combination of factors."

Also interesting is Time's list of runners-up, which includes "the Chinese worker," a symbolic amalgamation of all those faraway people whose names are too hard to pronounce anyway. Sorry, symbolic Chinese worker, better luck next year! (Let's go with oh-ten.) At least you have the honor of knowing that you manufactured the clippers Ben Bernanke uses to keep his beard tidy, so in that sense, you win.

Heck, we all win.

Tags: Ben Bernanke, China, Federal Reserve, Time Magazine