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Bill Nelson
  • Why Did Bill Nelson Buy Cocaine for Our Future Monkey Overlords? [VIDEO]

    Republican congressman Connie Mack is on the air with his first television ad in Florida's Senate race, attacking Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson for voting in favor of the 2009 stimulus bill. Specifically, Mack's concern is that while unemployment rate approached 10%, Nelson was giving all the good cocaine-snorting jobs to our simian brethren…

    "He voted for millions in wasteful spending. Including…." a woman intones as $144,541 starts flashing on screen, "spending our tax dollars to see how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine."

    Monkeys hoot as the camera shows pictures of various primates. "Hey Bill Nelson," she says, "stop monkeying around with our tax dollars."

    So is this all part of a policy of appeasement we hear so much about, with Democratic lawmakers kowtowing to our future monkey masters by paying tribute in stimulus coke in exchange for leniency after the ape uprising? Alas, no. The money in question was a grant to The Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, funding a study to understand and treat drug addiction and relapse.

    At least we found an instance where some conservatives will oppose the war on drugs. Nothing can be allowed to interfere with the war on science.

    Tags: Advertising, Bill Nelson, Connie Mack, Drugs, Florida, Science & Technology, Senate
  • Colbert: Send Max Baucus Your Health Care Bills

    On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen proposed a brilliant plan to cover the uninsured. Since Max Baucus killed the public option, simply send him your medical bills. And don't worry, the health care industry has given Baucus over three million dollars, so he should be able to cover it. I guess if we can't send him some balls and integrity, this is the next best thing.

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

    Tags: Bill Nelson, Blanche Lincoln, Health Care, Kent Conrad, Max Baucus, Senate, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Tom Carper, Video
  • Barack Obama Is Coming to Steal Your Internet

    WorldNetDaily's Brad O'Leary alerts us of a real, actual issue that real, actual, non-paranoid-schizophrenics really, actually have to concern themselves with…

    Gird your blogs, because if liberals in Congress get their way, President Obama will have sole discretionary authority to shut down the Internet or critical parts of the Internet should he feel his presidency is being tested. Worse, under the guise of cybersecurity, Obama will essentially be granted the power to destroy free speech on the Web.

    On April 1 of this year, Sens. Rockefeller, Snowe, Bayh and Nelson introduced bills S. 773 and S.778, collectively called the Cybersecurity Act, which would give President Obama dictatorial power over the Internet during a time of national crisis or emergency.

    Don't get me wrong: Concerns that President Obama and liberal congresspeople are plotting to declare martial law over the entirety of the Internet and start dictating what right-wing bloggers are allowed to say is in no way a completely-invented issue that borders on the senseless ravings of a sanatarium resident.

    It's just that I'm more concerned with the high-levels of Goblin that scientists have been discovering in our drinking water.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Nelson, Bill of Rights, Evan Bayh, House of Representatives, Internet, Jay Rockefeller, Olympia Snowe, Senate
  • Inauguration Night Life: The Congresspeople of Congress

    Earlier we gave you a taste of the red-hot celebrities who descended upon Washington in hopes of getting within eyeshot of mega-church mega-star Rick Warren!

    What you may not realize is that inside the Beltway, the likes of Tom Brokaw, Michael Wilbon and company are considered second-tier celebrities. Sure they may have fame and fortune, but can any of those guys invoke cloture on floor debate or suggest the absence of a quorum?

    For those kinds of stars, we want you to meet the men and women who keep Washington running… Escorts.

    But also, here are some photos of us with members of Congress.

    Here's California Congressman Henry Waxman, who celebrated his recent election as Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee by purchasing a shiny new pair of platform shoes.

    The hottest name in Washington right now (or at least since Rep. Virgil Goode (R-VA) lost re-election) has to be Roland Burris, the brand-new Senator from Illinois. Here he is caught off guard by a man wearing a wet cat on his head, whom he mistook for Governor Rod Blagojevich.

    Sen. Olympia Snowe is a real nice lady who represents the State of Maine. She grew up in Augusta, moved to Auburn, but now lives in Falmouth, which is over under Cuxabexis down to the Penobscot County line, cross to Caucomgomoc, then get on a snow machine and head yourself down to Piscataquis… well… actually you can't get theah from heah.

    We had a great time with Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson, who wants you to know that Omaha is the home of the College World Series and Warren Buffett — and is a great stopover on your way to Wichita.

    And here is Florida Senator Bill Nelson, who is also a nice man. Although come to think of it, maybe this one is Ben Nelson, which would make the other guy Bill. We understand that this kind of confusion is always popping up between President Jimmy Carter and Dwayne "Lil Wayne" Carter.

    Jesse Jackson, Jr. looked trim and fit at the Illinois State Society Gala, and the ladies on his arm would certainly agree. No doubt Jackson had just arrived from a 3 hour sparring session at Sugar Ray Leonard's Maryland gym, preparing for his upcoming prize fight with Rep. Michele "Rambo" Bachmann (R-MN) on the House floor.

    Tags: Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, California, Florida, Henry Waxman, House of Representatives, Illinois, Inauguration, Jesse Jackson Jr., Maine, Nebraska, Olympia Snowe, Roland Burris, Senate, Washington DC
  • Tom Coburning Out His Fuse Up Here, Alone

    Yesterday, Eric revealed that Republican Sen. Tom Coburn would be serenading Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson of Florida with Elton John's 1972 classic "Rocket Man."

    Well, now that there's video…

    …it's clear to the sharp-eared among us that Coburn wasn't singing Elton John's 1972 classic "Rocket Man."

    He was singing William Shatner's 1978 classic "Rocket Man" (and he's not the first to be inspired by it):

    Man, it's a good thing I'm high as a kite right now…

    Tags: Beck, Bill Nelson, Florida, Football, Oklahoma, Senate, Sports, Tom Coburn, William Shatner