As John McCain and Barack Obama get closer to picking their running mates, we're sure we know what's on their minds: "Which Batman villain matches most closely to the person I'm considering as my running mate?" After all, that's how presidential candidates have been picking vice presidents since 1939. Well, we thought we'd make it easy for them with this handy chart:
VPs for John McCain:
Mitt Romney = Two-Face
Romney's stances on the issues switch so much it's as if he's making ideological decisions based on coin flips. And you should see what his face looks like under the skin graft. Nothing but metal and wires.
Tim Pawlenty = Two-Face
Pawlenty had been rocking a mullet for a while, but now that he's getting close to being a contender, he cuts it off? Sounds pretty two-faced to us!
VPs for Barack Obama:
Mike Bloomberg = Two-Face
The self-made billionaire and NYC mayor is a Democrat turned Republican turned Independent. Plus, if the rumors of his adolescent womanizing are at least partially true, we assume he used to be taller than four-foot-eight and didn't talk like a cabaret singer.
Kathleen Sebelius = Two-Face
As the Democratic governor of a red state, she's had to pretend to hate things like gays and abortions in private while loving them in public. Plus, if she side-steps Hillary Clinton to become the first woman to win on a presidential ticket, expect to see donations to Hillary Clinton Supporters for Throwing Sulfuric Acid in Kathleen Sebelius' Face go through the roof.
Bill Richardson = Catwoman
So limber that cats in New Mexico are often described as, "lithe as a Richardson."
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, John McCain, Kathleen Sebelius, Michael Bloomberg, Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty
Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!
Catching Up With A Loser! In our rush last week to profile failed presidential contender Duncan Hunter, we passed over the highly forgettable candidacy of Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM) who dropped out on January 10, beating Hunter by more than two weeks in the loser-stakes!
From Day One, Richardson made it clear that he was not your average presidential contender. Among other things, he was:
* The first serious candidate to strongly resemble the Incredible Hulk.
* Experienced as a governor, congressman, ambassador, cabinet secretary, and critically acclaimed YouTube actor.
* Latino, and therefore able to converse with outgoing president George W. Bush in terrible, broken Spanish.
* Able to withstand the wrath of lesbian rocker Melissa Etheridge when stating that her homosexuality was a choice.
* The only candidate to perpetuate a flagrant lie about being a Major League Baseball player.
Yeah, about that last one… It turns out that while Richardson did play professional baseball (in the Cape Cod League), he misspoke ever so slightly when he repeatedly claimed in various speeches and biographies that he had been drafted by the Kansas City Athletics. After his lie was exposed, Richardson tackled the media firestorm like a 3 AM phone call, explaining:
"After being notified of the situation and after researching the matter… I came to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's."
Thanks for clearing that up, Governor! We hope you can share some of your research skills with fellow non-draftee Fidel Castro!
Richardson's presidential campaign enjoyed roughly the same success as his baseball career. Despite support from the powerful pro-cockfighting wing of the Democratic Party, he placed a dismal fourth in both the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, leading pundits to name him "The Ernest 'Fritz' Hollings of 2008." (Or, in the case of James Carville, "The Judas Iscariot of 2008.")
For now Richardson remains the Governor of New Mexico, but the state's lackluster economy may inspire the voters to place him on waivers, at which point Richardson hopes he'll be picked up by the increasingly desperate Washington Nationals!
Tags: Bill Richardson, Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential
Oh, I do love the smell of veepstakes speculation in the morning. Today's grist for the pundit mill: it sounds like Barack Obama is considering John Edwards and Al Gore for the number two spot on his ticket…
A member of the Congressional Black Caucus who's met with Obama's vice-presidential screening team says she offered the names of former senators John Edwards and Sam Nunn — and was told they're on the list. Congresswoman Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick of Michigan says when she mentioned that Al Gore is her favorite, the two members of Obama's team smiled.
Now, if they had winked, Cheeks Kilpatrick would have understood that Jim Webb is on the list. Scratching their noses is the signal for Bill Richardson, and touching their right shoulders with their left hands is the sign for Wesley Clark. If they take off their hats and touch their heads, that means Obama should steal third.
It's a very sophisticated process, this veepstakes thing.
Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, Jim Webb, John Edwards, Wesley Clark
Why the shit did we just spend the past year covering the Democratic primaries, when Slate was somehow able to sum it all up in just a little more than eight minutes?
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, Chris Dodd, Dennis Kucinich, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, John Edwards, Mike Gravel
So it seems the wildly immature GOP is up to its old tricks again, and this time, their target is Hillary Clinton. Despite her impressive Pennsylvania win, it seems Republicans are still giving Hillary "the silent treatment."
When will this foolishness end? Haven't the Democrats endured enough?
First, the Republicans short-sheeted Joe Biden's bed. Then Bill Richardson fell for the "Prince Albert in a Can" prank call. Frankly, we're lucky no one at Obama headquarters lost an eye after opening several suspicious, but irresistibly delicious, cans of peanut brittle. The Democrats just can't take any more of this. It's time to take precautions.
And although Hillary Clinton did have to cancel several speaking engagements after suffering a negative reaction to a botched cootie shot, I'm sure she'll show those prankish Republicans she's made of tougher stuff!
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden