Super Tuesday can be a confusing time for a billionaire — all those unwashed middle classers rushing around in their tacky four-door cars, trying to get to the polls as if their votes matter in some way. It's far better to just stay at home and do more research on which candidate works best for America's top 1%! Today we take a look at Mitt Romney, who is by far the shiniest candidate yet. And we do love shiny things…
Mitt Romney is the Billionaire candidate�s candidate. He�s spent at least $35.4 million of his own money on his campaign, fully embracing the maxim, �if you can�t win it-buy it!� He supports perma-war in Iraq, he lurves Big Business, and he knows personally what it�s like to struggle with decisions like, �Fois gras, or a rejuvenating spa holiday on Saint Barts?–Oh, who are we kidding, let�s have both!� Plus he gets the coveted Reagan Hairdo Award. We love that evil landlord look. Get your brokers on the phone, Billionaires: Mitt could be just what your private physician ordered.
One of Us
Talk about a plutocratic pedigree. Willard Mitt Romney was named after his father�s best friend: J. Willard Marriott. As in the billionaire who founded Marriott Hotels. Mittens has always had enough money to literally roll around in it. (Who doesn�t love a roll in the cash? Especially wearing those special undergarments.) He�s still a mere multi-millionaire, though, so he�s likely to be a loyal lapdog. Just like George W. Bush, whose whole �CEO President� thing has turned out positively ducky. For us, anyway.
No Justice? No Problem!
Romney is truly an innovator when it comes to trampling on workers� rights in the pursuit of profit. He co-founded Bain Capital in 1984, and headed their leveraged buyout juggernaut for fourteen years. In one instance, Bain acquired a paper products company called SCM, fired its entire workforce, and then offered to hire them back at reduced wages. Take the deal or don�t have a job. Free market capitalism is all about choice.
Destroying Public Services
Mitt is eager to give the SCM treatment to the federal government. He says on his website, "I had occasions to be in the turnaround business� And I'd like to get my hands on Washington. It needs to be taken completely apart, with every program and agency evaluated for effectiveness and efficiency.� Turn around, America, �cause Mitt�s about to give you the business!
Wealth Care, Not Health Care
Romney wants to deregulate the health insurance industry, which sounds like more fun than a barrel of monkeys to us! And we must mention our favorite line from his quip-filled website: �Stop The Free-Riders. Use some of the money currently spent on providing expensive �free care� for the uninsured at emergency rooms to instead help the truly needy buy private insurance.� All you falsely-needy emergency room queens take note!
Bring back Indentured Servitude
Romney is a strong supporter of strict controls on illegal immigration, calling for a 700-mile fence along the US-Mexico border. And he�s taken this stance while hiring illegal immigrants to manicure the lawn of his luxurious Massachusetts estate. Sounds like he really understands what�s best for America.
Tax Wages, Not Wealth
Our boy Mitt is right on board when it comes to taxes. He wants to keep the Bush tax cuts for the Wealthiest 1%, repeal the Dynasty Tax, and lower the corporate tax rate. Remember�using massive tax dodges and offshore tax shelters to shove the tax burden onto the back of the little guy is just a start. Until the little guy can afford his own lobbyist, guess he�ll just have to take what we give him. Bon Appetit, Little Guy!
What Have the Caribou Done for You Lately?
We like a candidate who doesn�t worry too much about the environment. And by �doesn�t worry too much,� we mean, �is ready to trash it.� Romners is gung ho to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. However, he did raise an eyebrow earlier this campaign season when Fred Thompson endorsed drilling in the Everglades. Come on Mitt, what�s the problem? If you love those endangered Florida crocodiles so much, why don�t you marry them?
Faith and Politics
Who cares? All we want to know is what he can do for the Billionaires.
Tags: Billionaires for Bush, Mitt Romney
Disclaimer: the following post contains graphic progressivism, and content which may not be suitable for all Billionaires. Read on at your own risk.
Before we say goodbye to white trash pretty boy John Edwards' gleaming smile and terrifying talk of **shudder** "One America," let's take a closer look at the only Democratic candidate who embraced a truly progressive agenda. If you believe in government of, by, and for the corporations, then John Edwards is wrong, wrong, wrong for you. Thank goodness reason seems to have prevailed, and as his polls go south, we expect him to take himself and all his high-minded, munificent ideas back down South as well.
One of Us
He's not one of us, but he still has millions of dollars! He really believes in economic justice, his father was a mill-worker, and his lifetime of hard work and public service has brought him tremendous success. How can the system have failed us like this?
One Dollar, One Vote
At a town hall in New Hampshire Edwards said, "if you really believe in democracy, we ought to publicly finance our campaigns." He wants to kick the Billionaires out of campaign finance, and stop lobbyists from giving money and gifts to politicians! Sweet fancy moses, what would we do?
Four More Wars!
Tags: Billionaires for Bush, John Edwards
On paper, Rudy Giuliani is a terrific Billionaire candidate. But is he electable? As mayor of New York City, he improved our quality of life by making sure no one in bars was dancing, and magically transforming strip clubs into Disney chain stores. Perhaps his affection for the Mouse fueled his dubious "ignore everyone but Florida" strategy. Now, in spite of our ongoing efforts, the 2008 elections will still be saddled with that old ball and chain called "democracy," meaning the candidate we back in '08 needs to actually win some percentage of votes. Does Rudy have what it takes to resurrect his campaign, and is he a candidate that you want in your pocket?
Four More Wars!
Take note, Bechtel, Halliburton, Lockheed Martin et al: war profiteers everywhere should stand and salute Rudy for his steroidal hawkishness. He supports perma-war in Iraq, Afghanistan, and maybe even Pakistan. Rudy got a respectable three deferments during Vietnam — he's no Cheney, but who is? Regardless, we all know it's much easier to be cavalier about war when you have no idea what it's really like.
One of Us
During and after his time as mayor of New York, Rudy funneled money and favors to corporate cronies, installed friends in plum government jobs, and spent public dollars on his private trysts. But he's just so small-b bush league! We
Tags: Billionaires for Bush, Rudy Giuliani
Ron Paul is a conundrum for the Billionaires voter. To begin with, he has two first names, which is suspicious. Then there are those declasse newsletters. What really throws us for a loop though, is the way he's with us AND against us. He's thoroughly on our side on most issues, but on others he's off the map. He also seems to have this problematic respect for the Constitution. His large Internet following may have made him a media darling, but we feel compelled to remind him that the only way to really own the media is to Really Own the Media. He's a risk for the Billionaire voter, but it could pay off
Tags: Billionaires for Bush, Ron Paul
Any plutocrat knows that sometimes you need to buy a candidate from the other side of the aisle. We'd prefer to stick with ideologues who believe in government of, by and for the corporations
Tags: Barack Obama, Billionaires for Bush