The Onion: Senator Dikembe Mutombo Blocks Record Amount of Legislation

This, as well as anything, explains why Dems can't seem to get any legislation through out there…

Sen. Dikembe Mutombo (R-CO) showed that he is still one of the most dominant big men in Congress Thursday, blocking a record 16 bills in one legislative session.

The 7-foot-2 senator, who broke the record previously held by Sen. Shawn Bradley (D-NJ), Rep. Arvydas Sabonis (D-OR), and current Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), batted away legislation left and right, sometimes swatting bills so hard that they were sent flying all the way back to committee…

"He's like a brick wall out there," a visibly tired and sweaty Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) told reporters. "Sen. Mutombo's arms are so long that if legislation is introduced anywhere in his vicinity, he's probably going to knock it away. There's no way we are going to get health care through with Mutombo out there."

Now, who wants to discretely sex Sen. Mutombo?

See also: Filming of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

Tags: Basketball, Bipartisanship, House of Representatives, John Kerry, Mitch McConnell, Senate, Sports, The Onion

Jon Stewart on the Bipartisan Health Care Summit

Yesterday's big bipartisan health care summit is all anyone is talking about, and obviously not everyone is in agreement about it. Some thought it was a very strong summit that solved a lot of problems, others thought the entire summit should be scrapped and a whole new summit created in its place. Then of course, there are those who wanted voters to have a chance to speak at the summit, the so-called "public option." Fortunately, there's talk of a bipartisan summit to debate all of these points.

Coverage of the summit continues below, including a via-satellite interview with Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC).

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Bipartisanship, CNN, Dick Morris, Eric Cantor, Fox, Health Care, House of Representatives, James Clyburn, John McCain, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Mitch McConnell, Senate, The Daily Show, Tom Coburn, Video, Wolf Blitzer

Jon Stewart on the Lead Up to the Health Care Summit

Today is a big day. Americans will witness a televised face-off over perhaps the most important social issue of the modern era between an obstructionist party of "no" and a spineless party of perpetual failure and disappointment. But enough about the women's curling semi-finals, there's a healthcare summit today.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Barack Obama, Bipartisanship, Health Care, Jay Rockefeller, John McCain, Jon Stewart, Mitch McConnell, The Daily Show, Video

Jobs Bill Passes Senate Despite Overwhelming Support

Although facing strong opposition (apparently?) from Americans angered by the lack of jobs and poor economy, the U.S. Senate has somehow managed to pass a bill to help get jobs for Americans and possibly stimulate the economy.

Oh, that Senate and its wasteful spending! Grrrr!

Companies that hire the unemployed would claim new tax breaks under a jobs-promoting bill the Senate passed Wednesday, delivering President Barack Obama and Democrats a much-needed victory.

The 70-28 vote sends the bill back to the House, which passed a far more costly measure in December. Many in the House consider the Senate bill too puny, but they may simply adopt it and send it to Obama in order to get a win. Democratic leaders promise more so-called jobs bills are on the way.

Do you know who I feel bad for in all this? Not the Americans who will be put to work despite their vehement protestations, but a droopy little -Democratic Senator from Connecticut.

If Joe Lieberman had only been informed ahead of time that Scott Brown would be voting with the Democrats, thus giving it the wind to get passed, he could have a thought up a reason to oppose it. And then we'd all be talking about him today.

Poor little guy.

Tags: Bipartisanship, Democrats, Economy, Joe Lieberman, Scott Brown, Senate, Stimulus, Unemployment

Jon Stewart: Senator Ackbar Is Right

For a while, the GOP has earned a reputation as the party of obstruction with their mantra of "No." Well, in the wake of President Obama's plan for a televised bipartisan health-care summit, their mantra has changed to, "It's a trap!" Which I guess makes them the party of 4chan.

Stephen Colbert's take on the issue can be found below.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday starting at 11pm / 10c.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Bipartisanship, Dick Morris, Fox, Hawaii, Health Care, John Boehner, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Sean Hannity, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Steve Doocy, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Video