* "Akron restaurant owner dies hours after meeting Obama," confirming rumors that almost certainly exist that President Obama is a sleeper agent for a secret international society of stealth assassins. And if not, those rumors will be arriving shortly.
* Barack Obama cannot exist in the same with Fox News.
* Turns out that John Philip Sousa's great-grandson is a first-class birther. Which is kind of disappointing. Until you remember that the patriotic composer was a big fan of bassoons.
* That woman who claims to have had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain wants to fill us in on all the details. We didn't even get any money out of the deal, so why should we be burdened with this?
* Get the Indecision Election Companion, our free app for iPhone and iPad, and then jump into the Peanut Gallery — our liveblog/instant reaction arena — and watch Bobby Jindal’s appearance on ABC’s This Week with us on Sunday July, 8 at 10a/9c. Will it be veepstakesy? Or the veepstakesiest?
Photo by Olivier Douliery-Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Birthers, Bobby Jindal, Food, Fox News, Ginger White, Herman Cain, Music, Ohio, Pork Barrel, Sex
Good news everybody, it is officially goddamned Summer, and not just because the weather has been an Al-Gore-is-melting-the-ice-caps-with-his-fatness 100 degrees everywhere in the country. It is summer because birthers have a new scandal to report.
According to World Net Daily, Susan Daniels — a 70-year-old private investigator and candidate for president, because why the hell not — has filed a suit in Ohio, demanding that Barack Obama's name be taken off the ballot until his social security number can be validated…
Daniels started her investigation in August 2009. Given her profession, she has been able to access a variety of proprietary databases. What she learned without much trouble is that Obama has been using a Social Security Number with the prefix "042" since 1986.
As she discovered, the "042" number is reserved for the exclusive use of individuals who register in Connecticut. When she ran 10 sequential numbers before and after Obama's, all returned with the documentation "issued 1977-1979 in CT."
Do we even have to decode this? Obviously this poor Connecticut woman took a vacation to Hawaii, where Obama's grandmother strangled her and replaced Barack's original 666-66-6666 SSN with a more appropriate document. Next?
Honestly, I'm getting bored with the birther and Social Security number conspiracies. How about something more exotic? Politico once reported that the president attended a press conference without his wedding ring. Has he secretly divorced Michelle? Are Anderson Cooper and the President gay married?
Similarly, the Americans who believe Obama is a Muslim are way less interesting than the 1% who think he's Mormon. Let's go with that one.
Photo by Rich Sugg-Pool/Getty Images/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, Polls, WorldNetDaily
Since losing the Republican nomination to Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich has become a loyal campaign surrogate, requiring only that the "Romney campaign fund Gingrich's travel and lodging in Montana" in exchange for the former speaker's participation at a fundraising breakfast and a keynote speech delivered at the Montana Republican Convention.
Gingrich hit on the usual themes — executive overreach by the Obama administration in exercising discretion over the deportation of undocumented youth, the tyranny of federal environmental regulation and the need for the United States to adopt a "21st century model," presumably so that Gingrich could sleep with it.
But what made the Montana GOP convention different from all the other GOP conventions? An outhouse labeled "Obama Presidential Library" parked outside Missoula's Hilton Garden Inn, where the gathering took place…
Nothing on the outhouse indicated who was responsible for it, although it made an appearance in the Memorial Day parade in Corvallis in Ravalli County.
The outhouse was painted to look as though it had been riddled by bullets.
Inside, a fake birth certificate for Barack Hussein Obama made reference to the disproven controversy over the president's origins. It was stamped "Bull– ." A graffito advised "For a Good Time call 800-Michelle (crossed out), Hillary (crossed out) and Pelosi (circled in red.)"
State GOP Chairman Will Deschamps of Missoula said he didn't know who'd brought the outhouse, but dismissed it as "a sideshow."
In other words, this convention had the distinction of hosting a large gas-filled thing AND an outhouse. Even for a state whose economy is geared toward resource-extraction, that many noxious fume-spewing things in one location amounts to overkill. No wonder the EPA is on Montana's back.
Photo by Marc Piscotty/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Birthers, Montana, Newt Gingrich, Republicans