Fans of John Bolton's Mustache Upset That John Bolton's Mustache Not Running for President

In the wake of yesterday's awful, soul-crushing news that former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations and part-time Wilford Brimley impersonator John Bolton and his glorious alabaster mustache have decided against jumping into the race to be the Republican to beat Barack Obama next year, we're all feeling a little unsettled.*

No one though as much as American Mustache Institute chair Aaron Perlut, for whom — one can only imagine — the news is nothing less than devastating…

"Bolton's candidacy would have been a boost to the Mustached American community without question. The last Mustached American President of the United States was William Howard Taft. So indeed, it's been a long time coming and there has been reticence amongst our people to take that leap. That being said, we are hopeful Michelle Bachmann's bleached upper lip gets some attention…

"Mr. Cain's candidacy is indeed a beacon of shining light for our people, much like future New York Governor Jimmy McMillan's candidacy was in the Empire State last year. But, like Bob Barr when he served as the Libertarian Party candidate, the reality is that until Mr. Cain has the nomination of a major party — and he is indeed a viable candidate — we can only dream of a better world."

I had never realized the extent of this country's prejudice against mustachioed-Americans.

Now I think I finally get why all those Tea Partiers are always putting that Charlie Chaplin mustache on Barack Obama.

.

^{* I, myself, had a brief moment of panic when I misread the headline as "Michael Bolton and His Mullet Decide Against Presidential Run." I still hold out hope that the golden-throated one will come to his nation's aid in its hour of need.}

Tags: Bob Barr, Fashion, Herman Cain, John Bolton, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans, United Nations

"These Kids Think Tweets Twit Themselves"

Legends of journalistic lore, Bob Woodward and Ben Bradlee, were somehow lured from their homes in the fossil record to star in this rather charming advertisement for the new Washington Post iPad app (which just so happens to have been made by a good friend of Indecision)…

What is that machine that Woodward is using in the beginning of this video? Is that one of those mimeographing machines people used to use instead of the Internet?

Tags: Apple, Bob Barr, Science & Technology, Washington Post

From the Pork Barrel: Teabaggers Send the Racist Things

* Hey, remember that charming witchdoctor picture that Mary wrote about a few weeks ago? This guy knows what I'm talking about? (And, by "this guy," I mean "prominent conservative activist Dr. David McKalip.")

* Health Care Reform from the people who brought you Saw: Parts I thru XVI.

* This just in: Barack Obama hates the Socratic concept of "Law." Also, he's not so keen on "Order."

* Bob Barr likes watching his babies die. (But in a good way.)

* What the hell is going on over there in Iowa?

* Is Carrie Prejean actually going to be on the next season of The Apprentice? And what does that have to do with Meghan McCain? And, most importantly, why do I care?

Tags: Barack Obama, Bob Barr, Carrie Prejean, Health Care, House of Representatives, Iowa, Meghan McCain, Polls, Pork Barrel, Racism, Tea Party

You Might Be an Urban Terrorist If…

Something exciting's happening these days. Can't you just smell it in the air? It smells sort of gasoline-y, with some sulfur-ish overtones. And definitely some unwashed stale perspiration.

Yeah, that right! According to the Missouri Information Analysis Center, it's militia-joining time!

"Due to the current economical and political situation, a lush environment for militia activity has been created," the Feb. 20 report reads. "Unemployment rates are high, as well as costs of living expenses. Additionally, President Elect Barrack [sic] Obama is seen as tight on gun control and many extremists fear that he will enact firearms confiscations."

MIAC is one of 58 so-called "fusion centers" nationwide that were created by the Department of Homeland Security, in part, to collect local intelligence that authorities can use to combat terrorism and related criminal activities.

You don't have to pitch to me anymore of your silly fearful plan to spy on U.S. citizens. 'Cause I'm sold! I'm joinin' up one of them there militias you speak of.

Let's see… I've already got the unkempt beard and festering misanthropy. What are some of the other requirements?

People who supported former third-party presidential candidates like Texas Rep. Ron Paul, Chuck Baldwin and former Georgia Rep. Bob Barr are cited in the report, in addition to anti-abortion activists and conspiracy theorists who believe the United States, Mexico and Canada will someday form a North American Union.

"Militia members most commonly associate with 3rd party political groups," the report reads. "It is not uncommon for militia members to display Constitutional Party, Campaign for Liberty or Libertarian material."

Oh, bummer. I was hoping to join a group of disaffected guerrilla soldiers living in the woods, arming myself against imaginary threats and gleefully defecating into freshly-dug holes in the ground.

I didn't know I'd have to hang out with crazy people.

Tags: Bob Barr, Constitution Party, Green Party, Homeland Security, Libertarian, Missouri, Ralph Nader, Ron Paul

Third Party Candidates Treated Like Not-Serious Candidates Simply Because They Were Not Serious Candidates

The Baltimore sun did a little research into the amount of press given to Barack Obama and John McCain compared to that given to third party candidates Ralph Nader, Bob Barr, Cynthia McKinney and that other guy whatever his name is.

And their findings are quite interesting.

But, first, here's a cat on a Roomba…

Hahahahaha. That's so awesome. Go, cat, go!

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah…

Cats are funny.

Tags: Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Constitution Party, Cynthia McKinney, Green Party, Libertarian, Ralph Nader