Meet Your 7th Through 16th Party Candidates!

For too many years, America has been choked by its tired, imperialist six-party system. The only thing differentiating John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democratic), Bob Barr (Libertarian), Cynthia McKinney (Green), Chuck Baldwin (Constitution) and Ralph Nader (Peace & Freedom) is their preferred sexual position with corporate lobbyists and defense contractors.

So let's meet the real candidates for change, running as anywhere from 7th-party to 16th-party candidates on a ballot near you. (This is especially true if you live in Colorado, where all sixteen are on the ballot.)

More Debate, Coming Right Up!

Details are emerging on the next presidential debate… You know, the one without those silly big-name politicians who no one really cares about anyway.

So get psyched: it's the third-party presidential debate! It will be held this Sunday. Sure, maybe Obama and McCain won't be there, but plenty of other swell folks will be.

It will be held in a classroom at Columbia University — an Ivy League venue, which is pretty impressive considering all that those "big guys" could muster was Hofstra. And best of all, it will be broadcast on a famous national network that reaches every cable-subscribing home in America! (C-SPAN.)

Needless to say, each of the candidates is expected to spend the bulk of his/her time pandering to Joe the Plumber. Here's each of the participants and their strategy…

* Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate, will promise that Joe will never need to pay taxes again, nor worry about the government intruding on his life by doing things like paving roads and fighting fires.

* Chuck Baldwin, the Constitution Party candidate, will propose a Constitutional amendment outlawing flag-burning, gay marriage, abortion, the teaching of evolution, and turning down Joe the Plumber when he asks you out on a date.

* Ralph Nader, the independent candidate, will vow to steal enough votes away from Obama that somehow Joe will become president.

* Cynthia McKinney, the Green Party candidate, will offer to punch a Capitol Police officer in the face on behalf of Joe.

Candidates Prepare for Next Presidential Debate

You're probably still digesting last night's Presidential debate, but it's time to start getting ready for the next one already. Didn't you hear? There's another US Presidential debate this Sunday:

Free and Equal.Org, a group formed to encourage third-party candidacies, is promoting a debate at the Columbia Political Union at Columbia University in New York for all six candidates seeking the presidency. The group is pretty much resigned to the fact that neither Senator John McCain nor Senator Barack Obama will be there.

What? Why would they resign themselves to that? These are people battling for .5% of the popular vote and that's the thing they've decided to be realists about? If I was them I wouldn't just expect Obama and McCain to show. I'd set places on the stage for FDR, Lincoln, Dave, Batman and Bigfoot. As long as you're banking on the impossible, why not shoot the moon?

[Event planner Christina M.] Tobin added that if this event, which will be held at 8 p.m. is successful, her group plans to hold another one a few days later.

Sounds good to me, but why stop there? Put one on every week for the next four years. I checked the candidates' schedules and they're wide open.

How the Third Party Candidates Can Still Pull It Off

Remember that time on Lost when everyone became consumed and distracted by Jack vs. Locke, and then all of a sudden Sawyer had all the guns and got to be in charge for, like, a day?

Well, what's to stop the same thing from happening in the presidential election? I mean, other than logic, history and common sense.

Because the fact of the matter is, the third party contenders may be down, but they are not yet out. Circumstances remain that could put one of them in the White House.

Circumstances like…

The Green Party's Cynthia McKinney
An abundance of absent-minded voters arrive to the polls remembering only that they want either "the black one" or "McSomething."

The Constitution Party's Chuck Baldwin
Every registered voter in the country gets pretty bad diarrhea on election day. Except Chuck Baldwin's mom.

Libertarian Bob Barr
An arcane Supreme Court ruling is discovered that awards 400 electoral votes to the candidate with the bossest 'stache.

Independent Ralph Nader
Americans suddenly decide to vote for the candidate they most want to hang out in a bar and abolish the Taft-Hartley act with.

Independent Alan Keyes
Days before the election, voters fed up with the ineffective two-party system look for something new and better. The message of Alan Keyes campaign begins resonating across the country, bringing people of all stripes together in an unprecedented moment of unity. Because Alan Keyes built a robot that hypnotized everyone.

Bob Barr Has Seen Things You Wouldn't Believe…

However this country's financial crisis is affecting you, it must be hitting Bob Barr twice as hard. Because on some level, he must realize that people are probably less likely to vote for the Libertarian candidate during a national financial crisis.

A former federal prosecutor and member of the United States House of Representatives, Barr represented Georgia's 7th congressional district as a Republican from 1995 to 2003, and gained national prominence as one of the leaders of the impeachment of President Bill Clinton. He joined the Libertarian Party in 2006. He watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.