Only Thomas Paine Can Fight the United Nations of Bono

Oh boy, Glenn Beck's nightmare dream come true: over the weekend the New York Times published a very special episode of its editorial page in which Bono defended Barack Obama's Nobel prize, the United Nations and the warm fuzzy spirit of international cooperation. Gag me with a hammer and/or sickle! It's the news media equivalent of a grande arugula latte served with Prius-shaped biscotti made from Karl Marx's family recipe!

If only we could find a palate cleanser, something to scrub our tongues of this foul European taste… well, well, what have we here: remember when Mr. Beck introduced us to the spirit of his great-great-great-grandfather, Thomas Paine? Tom's back, and he's ready to serve up a heapin' helpin' of common sense:

Amazing stuff! I think my favorite part is at 3:10, when Tom tells us to "get on the phone" and demand "excellence" instead of "bilingual education" in schools — see how he plays it off real cool, like he's been using those magic talk-throwing boxes forever?

Sarah Palin is Tryin' to Throw Her Arms Around the World… and Bono

Throughout their career — even on milestone records The Joshua Tree and Achtung Baby — the rock band U2 faced derision for their glaring lack of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Well the band's frontman, Bono — the man who made the Third World cool again — is about to silence the critics once and for all: He's going to meet with Sarah Palin today at the U.N.…

Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is about to take her first tentative steps onto the world stage, with UN talks with the leaders of Afghanistan, Pakistan and India.

The Alaska governor will also meet U2 singer and global anti-poverty campaign Bono on the sidelines of the UN meeting, said the ONE campaign, which is associated with the Irish rocker.

The McCain campaign specifically asked to include Palin in Bono's planned talks with the Republican presidential nominee, ONE said in a statement.

What will occur at the talks is still a mystery, but it's believed that Bono will ask Palin to donate several hundred moose carcasses from her personal collection to feed starving youth in Africa.

Of course the McCain campaign will want something in return. Most likely, they'll ask Bono to deliberately occupy Palin for the entire day — or at least until there's not enough time left for her to hold a press conference.

YOU DECIDE Caption Challenge: Bono and Company