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Candidate Casting Couch
  • Casting Oliver's W Army

    Oliver Stone has started casting his movie about the life of our current president, called W. So far, we know that Josh Brolin is George W., Elizabeth Banks is Laura Bush, James Cromwell is George H.W., and Ellen Burstyn is Barbara Bush. Well, it's certainly no, ahem, conspiracy (get it?) that we have some ideas for casting the rest of the movie:

    Fred Thompson as Dick Cheney
    Eddie Murphy as Colin Powell
    George Takei as Norman Minetta
    Mandy Patinkin as John Ashcroft
    Paul Rudd as Donald Rumsfeld
    Eddie Murphy as Condoleezza Rice
    Dane Cook as Karl Rove
    The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim as the Texas Rangers
    Kirk Cameron as Jesus
    Eddie Murphy as Elaine Chao
    Will Arnett as Jeb
    Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman as Jenna and Barbara Bush
    Miley Cyrus as DUI Victim
    Sean Penn as Al Gore
    Eddie Murphy as John Kerry
    Melanie Griffith as Woman at Bus Stop
    Brian Dennehy as Hurricane Katrina

    Tags: Al Gore, Candidate Casting Couch, Fred Thompson, George W. Bush
  • Candidate Casting Couch: Reality Shows

    With the writers' strike still going on, we've heard a lot about how reality shows might soon be the only shows with new episodes on TV. And with the candidates striving to spread their messages to as many people as possible, we can't help but think about synergy (but maybe that's because we work for a corporation, and we're always thinking about synergy). So, here are some ways in which candidates and reality shows can come together:

    • John McCain, Survivor – After spending years in a Vietnamese POW camp, it seems like McCain could handle a few weeks of sleeping in the rain and eating bugs; plus, he kind of reminds us of that guy Rudy from the first season. Expect him to talk a good game about building alliances, but when the chips are down, always end up voting with the majority of his tribe.

    • Hillary Clinton, The Bachelor – As one of many contestants, Clinton understands that The Bachelor might not choose her. But she's confident that she's got a pretty good shot at winning, since she's known him since law school.
    • Rudy Giuliani, Big Brother – While most contestants on this show are made uncomfortable by the constant surveillance, Rudy would certainly relish it, likely pushing the producers to install more cameras to capture every move made in the house. He probably won't be very popular, but that won't matter when one morning all of the "undesirable" players are found to have mysteriously disappeared in the night. Also, 9/11.
    • Barack Obama, Punk'd – Ashton Kutcher totally punks his good buddy Barack by convincing the entire state of Iowa to pretend that they're ready to turn over control of the country to a first-term, inexperienced black senator. When Barack discovers the ruse, he's mad at first, but he and Ashton hug it out before the commercial.
    • Mike Huckabee, Last Comic Standing – He's got decent stage-presence and his experience as a minister has probably honed his crowd work. And, his hilarious bit about the earth being 6000 years old is sure to kill.
    • Mike Gravel – We said reality shows.
    • Dennis Kucinich, Trading Spouses – Kucinich is forced to spend several days married to a woman of his equal attractiveness, an endeavor that leaves him with a permanant psychological scar.
    • Fred Thompson, Campaign '08 – As an actor, Thompson fully understands the value of reinvigorating a career with a stint on a reality show. He's been on the show Campaign '08 since September 5th, 2007, when it was spun off from his appearance on the Tonight Show.
    • Ron Paul, Hell's Kitchen – Host and master chef Gordon Ramsay would be knocked on his culinary ass with dishes Paul perfected during his days of isolated radical militia training. The Squirrel Stroganoff would almost certainly be a hit, but the Assorted Road Kill Platter can only described as exquisitely insane.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Candidate Casting Couch, Dennis Kucinich, Fred Thompson, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Mike Gravel, Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, Rudy Giuliani
  • Candidate Casting Couch: Superheroes

    There's been lots of buzz recently about the upcoming season of NBC's "Heroes." Stories about product placement, overseas marketing, corporate breakdowns between NBC and Apple-sounds like our kind of show! Until we watched it. What a rip: no costumes, no capes, and nary an evil super-villain in sight. Unfulfilled and misunderstood, we retreated to our own Fortress of Solitude (a.k.a. the Olive Garden in Times Square) and geeked out all night (a.k.a. we ate enough bottomless salad to cover the $9.95 menu price), Indecision 2008-style!

    Hillary Clinton = She-Hulk
    Trained as a lawyer, can kick pretty much any guy's ass, marriage to Man-Wolf was probably a mistake.

    Mike Gravel = Wolverine
    Intense, outdoorsy misanthrope from the Great White North with little memory of his past — possibly insane.

    John McCain = Phoenix
    You keep thinking the bitch is gone for good, but, guess what, you're wrong again.

    John Edwards = Robin/Nightwing
    Kinda just worked better as a sidekick.

    Fred Thompson = Onslaught
    The payoff totally wasn't worth all the hype.

    Joe Biden = Beast
    Can't keep his mouth shut, ineffectual leader — has kinda weird hair.

    Duncan Hunter = Aquaman

    Bill Richardson = Captain Planet
    A good idea in theory, but there's just something lame about him.

    Mitt Romney = Metamorpho
    Able to change shape at will to suit his current needs.

    Barack Obama = Black Lightning

    Rudy Giuliani = The Punisher
    Italian American, native-New Yorker, people seem to like pretending he's a hero for some reason.

    Al Gore = Galactus
    Lurking out there somewhere, feeds off the destruction of the planet to maintain his massive girth.

    Ron Paul = Matter-Eater Lad
    Getting a lot of internet buzz, but… c'mon.

    Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, Candidate Casting Couch, Duncan Hunter, Fred Thompson, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, John Edwards, John McCain, Mike Gravel, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rudy Giuliani
  • Candidate Casting Couch: The Simpsons

    In its first two weeks, The Simpsons Movie grossed more than $240 million worldwide. With that kind of money pouring into the First Bank of Springfield, it's not surprising that Matt Groening and all the rest of the cartoon's staff felt safe in taking the rest of the summer off. But what about its loyal fans? To where will they turn for their fix of rote stupidity and brash uncouthness? (We have a feeling that you know where we're going with this…)

    John Edwards = Marge Simpson
    Infamous hairdo

    Sam Brownback = Ned Flanders
    Hididdly-ho, evangelino!

    Fred Thompson = Troy McClure
    You may remember him from such films as…

    Barack Obama = Bart Simpson
    Self-possessed young risk-taker and t-shirt hawker

    Tom Tancredo = Hans Moleman
    Able to take a football in the groin — other than that, we don't know much about him

    Dennis Kucinich = Lisa Simpson
    Good message, always on point, vegetarian, too short to be taken seriously

    John McCain = Abraham Simpson
    Affectionately known as "Gramdpa," jowly, increasingly becoming irrelevant

    Hillary Clinton = Sideshow Bob
    Yalie, struggling to emerge from the shadow of a famously indulgent celebrity partner

    Rudy Giuliani = Nelson Muntz
    Entire reputation based upon campaign of fear

    So, who do you think is Homer Simpson?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Candidate Casting Couch, Dennis Kucinich, Fred Thompson, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Sam Brownback, Tom Tancredo
  • Candidate Casting Couch: Special Edition – The Candies

    With the Emmy nominations now in, we got to thinking — don't the candidates deserve nominations, too? So, we got ourselves a red carpet (actually, it's more of an accent rug), and did some nominating of our own. Here's a breakdown of our nominees for the Candidate Emmy Awards, or Candies

    Best Actor

    Close to $2 million in debt and still free-falling in the polls, John McCain gets a nod for "The Biggest Loser." He squares off against Barack Obama of "30 (Ba)Rock" and Sam Brownback for his portrayal of "The God Whisperer." Surprise nomination: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg, for "Extreme Makeover: Political Party Edition."

    Best Actress

    The nominees are Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Hillary Clinton. Notably missing: Elizabeth Edwards for her star turn in "Desperate Housewives."

    Best Comedy
    The nominees are Chris Dodd's eyebrows, the entire Mike Gravel campaign, and Dennis Kucinich's recent bout with food-poisoning. (He's a vegan. That's hilarious.)

    Outstanding Mini-Series

    Garnering its first nomination is "According to Mitt," the eleven-part special in which Mitt Romney clarified everything from what he meant when he called himself a hunter to why his staffers like to impersonate cops. His stiffest competition comes from "CSI: Giuliani," a gritty, real-life investigation into the illicit goings-on in various Rudy Giuliani campaign offices.

    Of course, in a year that saw the finales of both "The Gilmore Girls" and Jim Gilmore, the 2007 Candies are not without their fair share of snubs. John Edwards (Best Supporting Actor, 2004) received only one nomination, in the category of Outstanding Hair and Makeup. Conspicuously absent from the list: Duncan Hunter, Mike Huckabee, Bill Richardson, Tommy Thompson, and Tom Tancredo. Don't look for them to be nominated for anything any time soon.

    Did we miss anyone who deserves a Candie this year? Post your own nominations!

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, Candidate Casting Couch, Chris Dodd, Dennis Kucinich, Duncan Hunter, Elizabeth Edwards, Hillary Clinton, Jim Gilmore, John McCain, Mike Gravel, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Sam Brownback, The Emmys, Tom Tancredo, Tommy Thompson