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Carl Levin
  • Who Will Replace Carl Levin As America's Most Rumpled Senator?

    After more than three decades in the Senate, Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) announced that he will not seek re-election in 2014, leaving behind two important vacancies: the chairmanship of the Senate Armed Services Committee and the title of America's Most Disheveled Statesman.

    Let's meet the nominees for the latter job:

    In the far left corner, our first nominee: Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), the sincerely frazzled socialist who would be attracting stares in your local public park as he railed against Wall Street cronyism, if he hadn't been elected to the Senate… where he rails against Wall Street cronyism.

    And in the other left corner we have Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH), the wrinkliest populist the Midwest has to offer.

    Ugh, this is impossible. We need a tie-breaker. Is there a photo that shows one of these gents in something other than his everyday garb?

    Winner! Congratulations, Sen. Brown. May you stand tall slump awkwardly as America's next Rumpliest Senator.

    Photos by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images, Ibid., Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images, and Douglas Graham/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images, respectively

    Tags: Bernie Sanders, Carl Levin, Senate, Sherrod Brown
  • Jon Stewart on the Senate's New "Go to Jail with No Trial Forever" Bill

    The way I see it, being locked up indefinitely for reasons that are never fully explained to be is a small price to pay for protecting my freedom.

    Coverage continues after the jump.

    The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

    Read More »

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bill of Rights, Carl Levin, Constitution, Guantanamo Bay, John McCain, Jon Stewart, Lindsey Graham, Prison, Rand Paul, Senate, The Daily Show, Video
  • Senate Debates Authorizing "Radical Socialist" President to Indefinitely Detain Americans

    If there's one thing I've learned about the 44th President of the United States from listening to talk radio, e-mail forwards from my uncle and the speeches of dozens of U.S. senators, it's that Barack Obama is not to be trusted. The president is a "venture socialist" who has "disarmed America" and doesn't share our values.

    Clearly, such dangerous individuals should never be allowed such vast discretionary powers as appointing a director of the Bureau of Consumer Protection or a head of the Centers of Medicare and Medicaid. That would be irresponsible. Besides, confirming some of the President's Deputy Secretary of Forgettable Bureaucracy nominees would probably distract him from the more anodyne and harmless functions of his office, like ordering the indefinite detention without trial of terrorism suspects

    The new restriction attempts to largely close the door to civilian trials for terror suspects by giving preference to military authorities, not the civilian justice system, in handling members of al Qaeda and related groups. About 170 detainees remain at Guantanamo, and the pending legislation would place restrictions on resettling many eligible to be sent to countries willing to receive them…

    The measure would apply to accused terrorists captured inside and outside the U.S., but the impact would be greatest on domestic cases since foreign captures have become rare amid the intense U.S. drone campaign to kill alleged terrorists.

    The controversial language is part of the National Defense Authorization Act, which the Senate is expected to debate this week, and was drafted by a bipartisan team of Carl Levin and John McCain, the chairman and ranking minority member, respectively, of the Senate Armed Services Committee. Because most Senate Democrats and Republicans agree: If there's one power a crazed Marxist America-hater should have, it's the power of protecting consumers from predatory lenders, running a health insurance system for the elderly, appointing competent managers to executive departments… global indefinite detention.

    Photo by Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Carl Levin, John McCain, Military, Senate, Terrorism
  • The Military Can't Be a Democracy Because Democracy is Openly Gay

    Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) told a roundtable of journalists that he understands the concerns of the gay community has over the Don't Ask Don't Tell survey, which asked 400,000 service members to speculate over whether someone serving with them was secretly a total homo

    "I have my doubts about the content of the survey," the Senator stated.

    Although the results will not be out soon, Sen. Levin fears they will soon be leaked. But don't worry, the results of the polls will not in any way affect whether or not DADT is repealed. If the poll results show that the service members suspect gaiety and accept it, it will only embolden the call for repeal. If the service members suspect gaiety and are completely disgusted by it, the Pentagon will have to assume the army is filled with crazy homophobes so nobody should listen to them anyway.

    As Senator Levin pointed out, "the military is not a democracy." And, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Because democracy is, after all, openly gay. C'mon! Don't tell me you couldn't tell. The stripes and stars? That whole "freedom" and "equality" thing? The showtunes? Come on it's totally obvious.

    Tags: Carl Levin, DADT, LGBT, Michigan, Military
  • "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to Definitely Maybe Be Repealed Eventually Hopefully Under Certain Conditions For Real!

    Oh my God! Have you heard about the gay people and the military and the gay people in the military?

    Apparently, the White House nodded its head in approval over some kind of "deal" between gay rights activists, Congress and the Department of Defense, and now "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" could be shit-canned by as early as this week! Or maybe even as early as never? I think? I don't know. Maybe…

    The White House budget office sent a letter supporting the proposal to remove the Clinton-era "don't ask, don't tell" law even as the Pentagon continues a review of the system. Implementation of policy for gays serving openly would still require the approval of President Barack Obama, Defense Secretary Robert Gates and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Mike Mullen. How long implementation might take is not known, but the proposed amendment would have no effect on current practices.

    "The proposed amendment will allow for completion of the comprehensive review, enable the Department of Defense to assess the results of the review, and ensure that the implementation of the of the repeal is consistent with standards of military readiness, effectiveness, unit cohesion, recruiting and retention," budget chief Peter Orszag wrote in identical evening letters to Pennsylvania Rep. Patrick Murphy, Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman and Michigan Sen. Carl Levin — the Democrats leading the push for repeal.

    There go those Democrats again. Shoving their radical liberalism down the throat of America when only a mere 75 percent of the country are asking for it.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Carl Levin, DADT, House of Representatives, Joe Lieberman, LGBT, Mike Mullen, Military, Obama Administration, Robert Gates, Senate