Okay, So Why Is Caroline Kennedy Dropping Out Again?

Jeeze, that Kennedy family! Talk about dysfunction. If they're not bootlegging, screwing movie stars, crashing vehicles or getting assassinated, then they're probably airing out weird and obscure passive aggressive family squabbles in the newspapers.

Whatever Caroline Kennedy's reasons for removing herself from the pool of possible senators for New York (dead hobo! dead hobo! come on, dead hobo!), it's almost certainly not concern for her uncle's health…

"It looks horrible," says one former aide to Ted Kennedy. "It makes him look like he is at death's door." In fact, those close to Kennedy, 76, say that while the Senator is suffering occasional seizures, like the one that sent him to a hospital on Tuesday during the celebratory Capitol lunch for the newly inaugurated President, he is generally doing well. And they add that Kennedy is fully engaged in the effort to pass universal health-care legislation — a cause for which he has fought for decades, and one in which he will play a crucial role as chairman of the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee.

"He is crazy about her. He encouraged her" in her bid for the Senate seat, one close associate says of Ted Kennedy's relationship with his niece. "But using him as an excuse, as though things were on the downward spiral, is not going to be O.K. with him … This will get in the way of health reform" — by suggesting that a key legislator involved in putting the bill together may be incapacitated.

Oh, come on! If you can't use a family member's failing health as an excuse to get out of work, then what good is having family members at all?

I mean, besides getting high-ranking government jobs with little or no experience to speak of.

Tags: Caroline Kennedy, Edward Kennedy, New York, Senate

Caroline Kennedy Is Out of the Running

This is really odd. Caroline Kennedy is withdrawing her name from the list of possible successors to Hillary Clinton empty senate seat…

On Wednesday [Caroline Kennedy] called Gov. David A. Paterson, who will choose a successor to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Her concerns about Senator Edward M. Kennedy's deteriorating health (he was hospitalized after suffering a seizure during President Obama's inaugural lunch on Tuesday ) prompted her decision to withdraw, this person said. Coping with her uncle's condition was her most important priority, a situation not conducive to starting a high profile public job.

Mr. Paterson had indicated to her that the job was hers if she would accept it, the person said.

Damn! Who's Paterson gonna find now? Does anyone know if Abraham Lincoln has a great-great granddaughter living in New York? What about somebody from the Thomas Jefferson lineage? Doesn't matter what their political experience is. You don't need any of that to be an effective senator. Just a good last name.

If this is true about her wanting to take care of Uncle Ted — and she's not really hiding a dead hobo in her basement or something — then that's actually pretty decent and human of her.

So, it's a good thing she's shown her true colors now before she was given the appointment.

'Cause that kinda shit don't fly in the U.S. Senate.

Tags: Caroline Kennedy, David Paterson, Edward Kennedy, New York, Senate

Hillary Clinton Confirmed as Secretary of State

Texas Senator John Cornyn could slow the process down, but he couldn't hold back the inevitable.

Hillary Clinton has been officially confirmed as the Secretary of State…

Republicans and Democrats alike said her swift confirmation was necessary so that Obama could begin tackling the major foreign policy issues at hand, including two wars, increased violence in the Middle East and the threat of a nuclear-armed Iran.

"It is essential that we provide the president with the tools and resources he needs to effect change, and that starts with putting a national security team in place as soon as possible," said Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee.

Absolutely! Barack Obama is going to need all the help he can get in lying to the United Nations and deciding which foreign country to invade.

That is what secretaries of state do, right?

In other news, David paterson has almost just about kinda sorta figured out a way to place Caroline Kennedy in Clinton's empty senate seat and somehow make it seem like a good decision.

He's just tweaking the delivery a little bit, but he should be ready to give in to complete nepotism by the weekend.

Tags: Caroline Kennedy, David Paterson, Hillary Clinton, International Affairs, John Cornyn, New York, Obama Administration, Senate, Texas

From the Pork Barrel: Pimp My Faith-Based Community Initiative

* If you're gonna be the prostitution guru of Columbus, it helps to also be the director of Ohio's Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives. Because you're essentially using the same rolodex.

* Excited for Barack Obama's inauguration? Then you're totally gay, you gay!

* Caroline Kennedy's popularity has dropped hard in the past month. Maybe she really is meant for politics.

* Thank Jesus we have men like Rep. Paul Broun and these two weird religious guys around to do important government stuff like blessing doorways. Otherwise, all the doorways would suffer an eternity in Hell.

* Eric Holder holdering in there pretty well.

* I'm surprised that more people aren't pissed at this comparison of Rick Warren's congregation to the Hitler Youth Movement. Maybe it's because it's Rick Warren making the comparison.

Tags: Barack Obama, Caroline Kennedy, Christianity, Eric Holder, Fox, Georgia, House of Representatives, New York, Ohio, Paul Broun, Pork Barrel, Rick Warren, Senate

If We're Gonna Go With Face Recognition for Senate Appointments, This Woman Seems Perfect

Hey, remember this nice older woman?

What a pleasant, even-tempered and thoughtful person. And so prescient.

We could really use somebody like that in United States Senate, don't you think?

If there was only some way to talk her into demanding that New York Governor David Paterson — a black male! — appoint her to Hillary Clinton's soon-to-be empty seat instead of Caroline Kennedy — a white woman!

One can only dream.

Tags: Caroline Kennedy, David Paterson, Hillary Clinton, New York, Senate