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Catching Up With a Loser
  • Catching Up With a Loser: Alan Keyes

    We have reached the end of our 2008 Presidential Loser Series, and boy have we saved one of the best for last! That would be Alan Keyes, officially the last major figure to drop out of the presidential race, and yet still a candidate.

    Keyes, an ultra-conservative commentator from Maryland, has had an astounding career in the field of losing, spanning three decades and at least two states:

    * Keyes' first run for office comes as the Republican nominee against Maryland Senator Paul Sarbanes, in 1988. He loses with 38% of the vote.

    * In 1992, the Maryland Republicans put him up for the Senate again, this time against incumbent Barbara Mikulski. He gets 29%.

    *Keyes decides to try his hand at the presidency in 1996, losing to Bob Dole. He gets 1 vote at the Republican National Convention — the same as Robert Bork.

    * In 2000, Keyes still has a bunch of campaign buttons left, so he tries for the presidency again. He loses to George W. Bush and also, for the first time, John McCain.

    * In 2004, the Illinois Republican Party — for reasons unexplained — airlifts Keyes in from Maryland to run for Senate. He loses, for the first time, to Barack Obama with 27% of the vote.

    And then came 2008, when Alan Keyes realized that, by running for president again, he could simultaneously lose a second election to both John McCain and Barack Obama!

    Keyes entered the race with the strategy of dominating the African-American vote in the Republican primaries. And that's exactly what he did, racking up an impressive two delegates in the process! Laugh if you will, but that was double the number that Rudy Giuliani got.

    Keyes lasted in the Republican race long after John McCain had been declared the winner. He finally dropped out in April, only to decide that he was up for some more losing. So he threw his hat in the ring for the Constitution Party nomination, and quickly lost that to a guy named Chuck Baldwin. (Which makes it fair to assume that if Keyes had won, Ron Paul would have endorsed him, too.)

    In recent news, Keyes got himself named as the presidential nominee of something called America's Independent Party. His campaign website consists entirely of a donation form.

    For more news on Keyes losing races, check back with us every even numbered year. History suggests there's a lot more to come.


    Tags: Alan Keyes, Catching Up With a Loser
  • Catching Up With a Loser: Hillary Clinton

    As we approach the end of our months-long Presidential Loser Series, it would appear that we'd finally made it to Hillary Clinton, who dropped out of the race on June 7. But our friends at the John McCain campaign have turned our world on its head with a shocking revelation…

    Hillary Clinton didn't drop out. She is John McCain's running mate!

    That's right, the 18 million people who voted for Hillary in the primary have a chance to do so again — this time on the underside of the John McCain ticket. Don't be concerned that she's changed from pantsuits to skirts and replaced her mullet with a beehive. She is definitely still a woman, and that is all that matters.

    And let's not forget Clinton’s impressive biography:

    * Born: Chicago, IL Sandpoint, ID

    * Educated: Wellesley College, Yale Law School University of Hawaii-Hilo, Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, Matanuska-Susitna College, University of Idaho

    * Spouse: Bill, President of the United States (1993-2001) Todd, snowmobile champion

    * Children: Chelsea Trig, Track, Bristol, Piper, Willow

    * Hobbies: crossword puzzles, gardening shooting wolves out of an airplane

    * Social Views: pro-choice, pro civil unions ban all abortions including cases of rape and incest, "pray away the gay"

    * Opinion on the Bush Doctrine: strongly opposed "In what respect, Charlie?"

    And how about Hillary's grace in accepting McCain's invitation despite him once saying her daughter (now named Piper) was "so ugly" because "her real father is Janet Reno"? Well, that's all in the past, because McCain's is the "change" ticket. Forgive, forget, and drill, baby, drill!


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Sarah Palin
  • Catching Up With a Loser: Ron Paul

    Congressman Ron Paul has had a busy week. Wednesday, he held a press conference to endorse not one, but three candidates for president — none of whom was John McCain. Today, Paul receives his own coronation as the next chronological entry in our Presidential Loser Series!

    Paul, to the shock of many of his high-level campaign officers, is a Republican. While his young supporters are known for throwing neo-hippie events like Ronstock '08 and designing flower-power iconography for him, Paul himself is better known for:

    * Leading Ronald Reagan delegations in the 1980s

    * Attempting to abolish the Department of Education

    * Voting in favor of school prayer

    * Getting an "A" rating from the NRA

    * Crusading for a return to the Gold Standard

    * Proposing a constitutional amendment allowing states to ban flag burning

    * Trying to deny citizenship to the U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants

    None of that deterred his loyal supporters, who adored him for opposing the Iraq War and reminding them of their doddering grandfathers. They showed their love by contributing record amounts of money to his campaign, which stunned his rivals. It is unclear exactly what Paul did with all this money, since most of his advertising appeared in the form of homemade banners draped across highway overpasses.

    At the very least, the money kept Paul in the race longer than almost any other Republican. He lasted until March 6th, dropping out via a video posted on his website.

    We'll now turn the forum over to angry Ron Paul supporters who have a Google alert on his name and are appalled that we called him a "loser"…


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Ron Paul
  • Catching Up With a Loser: Mike Gravel

    The nation has been buzzing about Alaska's most famous maverick politician all week and, well, we're going to stretch it out one more day… former Senator Mike Gravel (D-AK) is this week's entry in our Presidential Loser Series!

    As Americans, we like everything bigger and better than what the other guy has, and Gravel was no exception. Not content to wallow among your garden-variety losers like Tom Vilsack, Jim Gilmore and Hillary Clinton, Gravel eclipsed them with the rare feat of losing two presidential nominations in the same cycle!

    Gravel's first loss came as a Democrat. He stood out within the party's field for his knowledge of how to get a prescription for cocaine, but not for his knowledge on how to sneak into a debate. And when the party frontrunners aired standard-issue ads of themselves striding through factories and shaking hands with the entire U.S. Army, Gravel responded with an avant-garde video of himself heaving a rock into a lake — which pundits agree vaulted him over the elusive 240 vote barrier in South Carolina.

    Gravel's second defeat was in the Libertarian primary, which came as a surprise to those who hadn't realized he'd quit his Democratic campaign. He got 71 out of 618 votes at the Libertarian Convention, polling fourth behind a research scientist, the self-proclaimed "King of Vegas", and the eventual winner, Bob Barr.

    But why should Gravel stop at just losing two nominations? It might not be too late to try to get on the ticket for the Equal Rights Party, or perhaps the Anti-Masonic Party. And what about the Alaskan Independence Party, which we've heard so much about recently… wonder if we could conjure up a feisty fellow Alaskan to serve as VP on that ticket?


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Mike Gravel
  • Catching Up With a Loser: Mike Huckabee

    This week, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was a guest on The Colbert Report. But instead of receiving the customary Colbert Bump, the Governor's reward is appearing as this week's entry in our chronologically ordered Presidential Loser Series!

    Huckabee gained notice as a candidate for being in a rock band and for courageously making a profit off a school shooting in his home state. But above all else, it was his inspirational weight loss story that gave his campaign a much-needed jumpstart.

    Huckabee had been a 300-pound terror in the Arkansas governor's mansion, breaking chairs at cabinet meetings and devouring everything in sight. Finally one day, something snapped (possibly yet another chair.) The Governor took a vow to lose weight by eating only healthy sandwiches at Subway until he slimmed down to a reasonable size.

    Wait, actually that was Jared Fogle. But Huckabee did end up losing 110 pounds, a feat that naturally led to his run for the presidency.

    Huckabee scored big with evangelical voters who were displeased that none of the other Republican contenders had ever practiced faith healing. Their support propelled Huckabee, allowing him to nearly reach his old weight in delegates before conceding on March 4th.

    Although he did not win, Huckabee made history by proving that a white, male, music-playing, food-obsessed governor from Hope, Arkansas could make a serious run for the presidency. Yessir, he cracked that glass ceiling like a governor's mansion chair!


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Mike Huckabee