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Catching Up With a Loser
  • Catching Up With a Loser: Mitt Romney

    Get ready to meet the wealthiest member of our chronologically ordered Presidential Loser Series…former one-term Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney!

    Romney's record as a Republican governor of a blue state and his rock-solid hair gave him major corporate cred as a candidate. But Romney faced unfair criticism from those who disapproved of his Mormon faith, a historically off-limits topic. He countered this by giving voters a great number of legitimate things to hate him for, including:

    * Amassing a vast personal fortune by closing factories and laying off workers as CEO of Bain Capital.

    * Disparaging Massachusetts — whose voters gave him his only job in politics — like a red-headed stepchild.

    * Incorrectly predicting same-sex marriage would result in the collapse of America as a world power.

    * Proposing that America double the size of Guantanamo Bay prison, while simultaneously expressing his hope that its inmates never receive access to lawyers.

    * Relentlessly pimping a family so white, it would make Norman Rockwell squint.

    Romney financed his ego trip campaign with 42.3 million dollars he found lying in a sock drawer, and in return he amassed a cool 271 delegates. This was 920 short of what he needed for the nomination, but to be fair it was 271 times what Rudy Giuliani got.

    Romney endured through the primary season for as long as he could, knowing that defeat would mean a return to his dreaded Massachusetts. That said, he only lasted until February 7, two days after Super Tuesday.

    As of press time, Romney is serving as John McCain's attack dog, and is said to be high on the list of potential running mates for the Republican nominee. Should he be passed over, look for Bain Capital to purchase the U.S. Government, lay off its workers, and sell it at a profit to Dubai.

    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Mitt Romney
  • Catching Up With a Loser: John Edwards

    Hey, did someone tell former Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) that he was next up in our chronologically-ordered Presidential Loser Series? Because he really could not have made our jobs any easier this past week!

    Edwards grew up in North Carolina as the son of (note: this is only for people who have literally never heard him speak before) a mill worker. Edwards repeated this point ad nauseum, even declaring that his own personal dream job would be working in a mill — which, needless to say, left him no choice but to run for President.

    Edwards campaigned on a five-planked platform:

    * His father worked in a mill.

    * There are two Americas.

    * It was a textile mill.

    * You didn't know about his affair yet.

    * Well, OK, his father was technically the foreman … but seriously, a mill!

    Edwards also took the bold stance of being against Hurricane Katrina, only regretting that it hadn't hit Iowa, which would have really simplified his campaign.

    And while Barack Obama was busy securing the endorsement of Bruce Springsteen, Edwards — the poor man's Obama — got the nod from John Mellencamp, who conveniently enough doubles as the poor man's Springsteen. Mellencamp's fans, clearly moved, responded by booing Edwards off an Iowa stage.

    Edwards performed decently in the primaries, dominating among Democratic voters who thought the historic moment had arrived to elect a white man to the presidency. But then on January 30, 2008, Edwards suddenly realized he had less than a month to pick out a gift for his alleged illegitimate daughter's first birthday, prompting him to quickly suspend his campaign.

    Now with word of his affair spreading to the mainstream media, Edwards' political career seems finished. In fact, as a point of unity, the Democrats might be best served by doing away with him once and for all — possibly with a much overdue send-off at the old mill!

    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, John Edwards
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Rudy Giuliani

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Catching Up With A Loser! The single most important event of George W. Bush's presidency was the terrorist attack of September 11, 2001. And so it seemed obvious that Bush's successor in the White House should be the greatest celebrity to rise from that dark day, the face that graced TV news screens for months afterward, the man who became virtually synonymous with 9/11… Osama bin Laden.

    Unfortunately, the Turbaned One was not a U.S. citizen, and therefore ineligible for the presidency. So the task fell to this week's entry in our Presidential Loser Series, Rudy Giuliani (R-NY)!

    Giuliani's resume was without equal in the Republican field. Namely, he:

    * Happened to be mayor of New York on September 11, 2001.

    * Was on TV many times during and after September 11, 2001.

    * Ran campaign ads featuring images of firefighters — most of whom apparently hate him — dating from September 11, 2001.

    * Tried to illegally extend his term, citing the events of September 11, 2001.

    * Dispatched the NYPD to escort his mistress and future third wife, Judith Nathan, on interstate trips, citing the yet-to-occur events of September 11, 2001.

    * Earned millions of dollars giving speeches about September 11, 2001.

    Giuliani was also the only candidate who could boast he had married his second cousin, a major coup considering one of his opponents was Mitt Romney. Nevertheless, the Mayor's candidacy suffered from feeble support among his core constituency — such as former driver and police chief Bernie Kerik, who skipped the election to ball his mistress/publisher in an apartment intended for 9/11 workers.

    Despite leading the Republican field for most of 2007, Giuliani tanked in the primaries, accruing a miserable total of one delegate. Even Ron Paul got 35! The Mayor was forced to drop out of the race on January 30, 2008, much to the relief of squeegee men nationwide.

    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Rudy Giuliani
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Dennis Kucinich

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Catching Up With A Loser! If the Pages have learned one thing in Washington, it's that politics can be a lot like high school. Take, for instance, the 2008 Democratic presidential primary. You had your major jocks — Barack Obama (basketball team), Bill Richardson (baseball team), John Edwards (synchronized swimming). And then you had your nerds — Hillary Clinton (student government), Chris Dodd (Glee Club), Tom Vilsack (tech theater).

    But no one was a bigger nerd than this week's Presidential Loser: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH)! The Congressman from Cleveland was the president of the A/V Club and the Latin Society rolled up into one — and the bullies on the campaign trail never let him forget it. Kucinich was picked on mercilessly for his uber-dork attributes, including:

    * Diminutive height.

    * Adamant veganism.

    * Destruction of Cleveland as Boy Mayor in the 1970's.

    It also did not help that Kucinich (though 61 years old) had still not hit puberty, and that his most prominent endorsement was from a J.R.R. Tolkien character. Still he pressed on, and with good reason. After all, his 2004 presidential run garnered him 67 delegates and a foxy new wife 31 years his junior!

    But like so many other high schoolers, Kucinich hit the sophomore slump in his second run for the White House. Having ceded the "liberal populist" vote to John Edwards Version 2.0 and the "hilarious prank vote" to newcomer Mike Gravel, the Ohio Congressman had to drop out of the race on January 24, 2008. Kucinich is now back on the job in Washington, occupied with impeaching George W. Bush and protecting outer space for future generations of Star Wars collectibles!

    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Dennis Kucinich
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Fred Thompson

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!


    Catching Up With A Loser! The Pages are pleased to present the next in our list of 2008 presidential losers: Law and Order star and Elmer Fudd stand-in Sen. Fred Thompson! Thompson, a former Republican Senator from Tennessee, never intended to run for president. He was happy in retirement, making TV appearances and nailing a woman six years younger than his own son. For months, he ignored a burgeoning "Draft Thompson" movement until finally he was tricked into entering the race by a fast-talking rabbit.

    Outsmarted and resigned to his candidacy, Thompson plotted a quick exit from the race by refusing to learn anything about the issues, skipping debates, and describing Latino immigrants as "suicidal maniacs [who] want to kill innocent men, women, and children." But much to Thompson’s chagrin, he somehow led in the polls going into July 2007!

    As the primary season rolled around, the man Richard Nixon called "dumb as hell" finally managed to chart a course toward the defeat he so obviously coveted. He lost badly in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan and Nevada, before announcing he was staking his candidacy on South Carolina.

    Thompson's logic was that if he dropped out by January 22nd, he could make it back to Hollywood in time to shoot a cameo as a corpse on CSI: Miami. And South Carolina voters did their part, giving Thompson 16% of the vote and zero delegates.

    Visibly relieved, the ex-Senator dropped his campaign faster than NBC could cancel Bionic Woman, happily ending his political career. Now in recent weeks, Thompson's name has been floated as a youthful complement to John McCain on the GOP ticket, but the Senator has quashed those rumors, announcing that if selected, he will move to Canada.

    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Fred Thompson