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Catching Up With a Loser
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Bill Richardson

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Catching Up With A Loser! In our rush last week to profile failed presidential contender Duncan Hunter, we passed over the highly forgettable candidacy of Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM) who dropped out on January 10, beating Hunter by more than two weeks in the loser-stakes!

    From Day One, Richardson made it clear that he was not your average presidential contender. Among other things, he was:

    * The first serious candidate to strongly resemble the Incredible Hulk.

    * Experienced as a governor, congressman, ambassador, cabinet secretary, and critically acclaimed YouTube actor.

    * Latino, and therefore able to converse with outgoing president George W. Bush in terrible, broken Spanish.

    * Able to withstand the wrath of lesbian rocker Melissa Etheridge when stating that her homosexuality was a choice.

    * The only candidate to perpetuate a flagrant lie about being a Major League Baseball player.

    Yeah, about that last one… It turns out that while Richardson did play professional baseball (in the Cape Cod League), he misspoke ever so slightly when he repeatedly claimed in various speeches and biographies that he had been drafted by the Kansas City Athletics. After his lie was exposed, Richardson tackled the media firestorm like a 3 AM phone call, explaining:

    "After being notified of the situation and after researching the matter… I came to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's."

    Thanks for clearing that up, Governor! We hope you can share some of your research skills with fellow non-draftee Fidel Castro!

    Richardson's presidential campaign enjoyed roughly the same success as his baseball career. Despite support from the powerful pro-cockfighting wing of the Democratic Party, he placed a dismal fourth in both the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, leading pundits to name him "The Ernest 'Fritz' Hollings of 2008." (Or, in the case of James Carville, "The Judas Iscariot of 2008.")

    For now Richardson remains the Governor of New Mexico, but the state's lackluster economy may inspire the voters to place him on waivers, at which point Richardson hopes he'll be picked up by the increasingly desperate Washington Nationals!


    Tags: Bill Richardson, Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Duncan Hunter

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Catching Up With A Loser! It's time for the next entry in the Pages' catalog of failed 2008 presidential candidates! Republican primary voters who thought that Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) didn't hate gays and Mexicans enough to be president found their man in Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA)! The San Diego County Congressman entered the presidential race in early 2007, sporting an impressive resume including:

    * Proposing that women be banned from the U.S. Army.

    * Accusing former California Governor Gray Davis of burning down his house.

    * Introducing legislation that would empower any parent to sue a media company for producing material causing "emotional injury" to a minor (including breasts, phallic imagery, or close-ups on Rudy Giuliani's terrifying mouth).

    * Enduring a proud 27-year career in Congress without once dying on the floor of the House of Representatives.

    Hunter pledged to make the United States a better place for him to be president by sticking to the twin tenets of complete border security and endless war in the Middle East. His campaign received a huge boost when he received the coveted endorsement of Ann Coulter, who chose him after discovering that her initial choice, Vlad the Impaler, had exited the race because of a campaign finance scandal.

    The Coulter endorsement failed to provide a lasting boost, however, and Hunter's campaign was hurt by his eighth-place finish in the Michigan primary, where he lost — 0.32% to 2.08% — to "Uncommitted," who was riding high after defeating Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT) in the Iowa Democratic Caucus!

    Hunter dropped out of the presidential race on January 25, 2008, eager to return to his job of representing suburban San Diego in Congress. Imagine his shock, then, to find out that he was being replaced by his own son, who snuck into the race with the crafty strategy of also being named Duncan Hunter.

    But not to fear: The younger Hunter is the odds-on favorite to win the seat in November, and he has promised his old man that the family ratings of 7% from the ACLU, 28% from the NAACP and 0% from the Human Rights Campaign are all in safe hands!


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Duncan Hunter
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Joe Biden and Chris Dodd

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Catching Up With A Loser! It's time to reveal the identity of Congressional Confidential's next presidential dropout, profiled in chronological order. Mr. Blitzer, the envelope please… And it's a tie!! Congratulations to both Senators Joe Biden (D-DE) and Chris Dodd (D-CT)!

    Biden and Dodd, making good on a childhood playground vow, ended their presidential campaigns on the same day, January 3, 2008. (This is notable because, unlike all candidates heretofore profiled, they stuck around long enough to lose an actual primary.) Previously, the two white, male, mid-60's Senators from irrelevant states had both announced their candidacies on Imus In The Morning within a month of each other, both polled behind Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) through August 2007, and both dated Bianca Jagger — oh wait, that was only Dodd.

    As the Iowa caucuses approached, Biden began pulling ahead of Dodd both in the polls and in the tally of possibly racist comments — three to Dodd's one. And sure enough, when Iowans emerged from their crowded barns on the night of January 3, Biden had defeated his dear friend Dodd, 0.93% to 0.02%!

    The night was particularly sad for Dodd on two counts: First was the news that Biden would have endorsed him had he somehow managed to stay in the race. Second was the realization that not only had he lost to his comrade from Delaware, but also to his wry and dastardly foe "Uncommitted"!

    As you might imagine, Biden and Dodd have drifted apart since their fateful co-drop-out of January 3. Dodd has been preoccupied with his sweetheart loan deal from Countrywide Financial while Biden is currently delayed on an Amtrak train that was scheduled to arrive in Wilmington on May 17. For now, the hope among Beltway Insiders is that the pair can be persuaded to reunite on a nostalgia tour and finish the job right — by co-losing the 2012 presidential elections!


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Chris Dodd, Congressional Confidential, Joe Biden
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Tom Tancredo

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    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Catching Up With A Loser! Aging another year means presents for most people, but on December 20, 2007, Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) gave a gift to America by dropping out of the presidential race for his 62nd birthday! This shrewd move makes Tancredo the fifth entry in Congressional Confidential’s lineup of 2008 presidential losers.

    The Colorado Congressman had staked his candidacy on the single issue of stamping out illegal immigration, promising as president to institute widespread deportations, build a 50-foot fence along the Mexican border, and personally investigate the kitchen of every Arby's in Texas until the last undocumented immigrant was found. Tancredo's campaign slogan was pretty straightforward: "Secure the borders. Deport those who don't belong. Make sure they never come back." Doesn't quite have the same ring as "Change We Can Believe In" or "John McCain: Redder Than Ever."

    Tancredo complicated his message of an illegal immigration crackdown by turning out to be (isn't it funny how this always happens?) employing illegal immigrants for repairs on his home. He also won plenty of questionable press coverage by suggesting that the United States retaliate for any future terrorist attacks by bombing Mecca and Medina — which we assume would be coordinated with Al Qaeda's annual recruitment drive and telethon.

    By late 2007, Tancredo was trying force other candidates out of the race by making desperate wagers, which failed to improve his chances but did result in Fred Thompson eating 85 hush puppies in ten minutes. With the odds growing dimmer by the minute, Tancredo finally decided to try a time-honored political "Hail Mary": Threatening to blow up an Iowa shopping mall. Shockingly, this failed to produce a bump in the polls, which forced Tancredo to enter his 63rd year as just another also-ran.

    But cry no tears for this loser. Though he won't be President and he's not running for re-election to Congress, we're sure Tancredo will stay busy in retirement by screaming at Karl Rove, insulting the Pope, and receiving terrible service at Chipotle!


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Immigration, Tom Tancredo
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Sam Brownback

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    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    What Are They Doing Now? Most Americans, following their release from jail, will spend days or even weeks acclimating to society and reuniting with family before announcing their bid for U.S. President. But not Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), who spent the night of December 8, 2006 in the notorious Angola, Louisiana prison, while simultaneously announcing his White House run on his web site!

    Disturbed that his neighbors in prison did not include any abortion doctors or Darwinists, Brownback made social conservatism the hallmark of his campaign. His platform promised the repeal of Roe v. Wade, the teaching of intelligent design, and free pizza for all Americans courtesy of his key backer and Domino's founder Tom Monaghan!

    Jail time aside, Brownback had a typical Washington biography. He snoozed his way through judicial confirmation hearings, accepted big bucks from Jack Abramoff, and joined an Opus Dei church after reading The Da Vinci Code. But Brownback distinguished himself in the presidential race with his willingness to spend an almost masochistic amount of time in Iowa, surviving on foraged corn and addressing rallies consisting entirely of livestock.

    Pundits expected favorable results for Brownback in Iowa's famed Ames Straw Poll, citing the state's large evangelical population and the Senator's recent endorsement from a mid-tier Baldwin Brother. But Brownback finished a disappointing third, likely due to the fact that his self-declared "one constituent," God, did not attend the straw poll, citing a prior commitment to appear in an Ohio man's pancake. To make matters worse, Brownback's second-favorite constituent, Terri Schiavo, also missed the vote.

    So with a heavy heart and an empty wallet, Brownback left the race on October 18, 2007, citing the need to spend more time with the unborn. His name has recently resurfaced as a potential Vice Presidential pick, but John McCain will need to look elsewhere, because Brownback was recently Raptured.


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, John McCain, Sam Brownback, Stephen Baldwin, Terri Schiavo