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Charlie Crist
  • Charlie Crist Determined to Solve the Case of Marco Rubio's $130 Back Wax

    In case you haven't heard this incredibly world-shattering news yet, please brace yourself. (I wouldn't want you dying from a heart attack or anything.) Former Florida representative Marco Rubio one time charged $130 to his Republican Party credit card for what may have been a haircut.

    That is, unless the $130 was actually for something much more insidious than a haircut. Like, perhaps, a back wax?

    Perhaps Rubio's opponent for Florida's GOP senatorial nomination current Gov. Charlie Crist can get to the bottom of this very important mystery during an interview on Fox News

    "And yet just in recent weeks, two weeks ago it has come out in news accounts he had a Republican Party of Florida credit card that he charged $130 haircut, or maybe it was a back wax," he said. "We are not sure what all he got at that place."

    Host Greta Van Sustern interrupted. "Wait a second, stop. A back wax? Wait a second."

    "I don't know what it was, you know," Crist continued.

    Van Sustern responded, "I know, but was there a suggestion it was for a back wax? Or a haircut? Or are you being flip?"

    "I don't know what it was," Crist replied. "Initially we were told it was a haircut. And then he said it wasn't a haircut."

    Yeah, he said it wasn't a haircut, so it totally could have been a back wax. You can't prove that it wasn't, can you? I mean, back waxes are among the things that people could possibly have done in those places in theory. That's normal and pertinent speculation. Hey, it could have been something else. Something grosser. Like a pube perm. Or an anal bleaching. Or a toe hair grooming. Who knows what these Italians do with all that hair of theirs. (Am I right, mildly racist conservative voters of Florida?)

    But, you know what? Crist didn't bring up any of those perfectly reasonable speculations. Because he's too classy for that.

    That Charlie Crist, one hundred percent class.

    Tags: Charlie Crist, Fashion, Florida, Fox, Greta Van Susteren, Marco Rubio, Senate
  • Will Charlie Crist Run for Senate as an Independent? Or Will He Simply Lose?

    It's becoming increasingly obvious that Florida Gov. Charlie Crist will not be making any headway against Marco Rubio, his teabag-approved opponent for the state's Republican nomination for the U.S. senate. Florida's flag-waving, birth-certificate-suspecting super-patriots clearly prefer  the guy who does not understand how money works by about a billion percentage points (according to my personal numbers).

    So, looks like Crist is dead, right? Maybe, maybe not. But if Crist is looking to resurrect his chances, some sort of transfiguration definitely will be in order

    Two highly placed and independent sources, speaking strictly on background, tell me that Gov. Charlie Crist is preparing to leave the Republican Party and run as an independent in the race for the U.S. Senate

    Another well-placed source tells me the reason several Crist campaign staffers left recently is because, being committed Republicans, they refused to take part in an independent Senate run by Crist. That’s not confirmed by an independent second source, but it does ring true.

    So, has the DNC started contributing funds to the teabaggers yet? If not, they should really consider it. These guys are doing all their work for them.

    Tags: Charlie Crist, Corruption, Florida, Independent, Marco Rubio, Money, Senate, Tea Party
  • Charlie Crist in Process of Being Trampled in GOP's Stampede Rightward

    It's hard out here for an allegedly closeted, moderately conservative, Republican governor of Florida.

    You ain't knowin'

    Republican Party activists in his own county of Pinellas, many of whom have been campaigning alongside Crist for years, on Monday overwhelmingly declared that they prefer Marco Rubio for U.S. Senate. The 106-54 "straw poll" vote is officially meaningless, but a symbolic blow for Crist.

    After all, many of the people lining up to cast secret ballots against Crist on Monday night at Tucson's restaurant were the party activists who know him best.

    Get ready for the ouch

    "I volunteered for Charlie for nine years. I love Charlie as a person. If he was here, I would give him a big hug. He actually called me about this [straw poll] yesterday," said Wilna Varney of Largo, who voted for Rubio. "But I'm a more conservative person, and I'm going to support the more conservative candidate."

    Jeeze! Just reading that gave me that weirded out feeling like when you accidentally bite down on a piece of aluminum foil.

    Tags: Charlie Crist, Florida, Marco Rubio
  • Colbert on GOP Purity Tests

    The Republicans have a lot of ground to make up, and they're not going to do it if they've got middling moderates poisoning the well. That's why a GOP purity test is such a great idea. It will weed out the RINOs and make sure the party is composed solely of those candidates who are 100% pure, like Larry Craig and David Vitter.

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

    Tags: Charlie Crist, Republicans, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
  • Rand Paul: Ron Paul's Son or Clone?

    Disappointed soldiers in the Ron Paul Revolution, take heart. Your leader may have been defeated in '08, but He was not vanquished. For He hath given unto you a Son to continue His work.

    And He shall be called Rand Paul. And He shall run for U.S. Senate in Kentucky. And He shall have gloriously curly locks of salt-and-pepper hair that shall drip with the oil that shall fuel a libertarian uprising!

    And Rachel Maddow scored an interview with Him last night.

    (You'll have to wade through some not-completely un-entertaining stuff involving Roberta McCain, Rush Limbaugh and Charlie Crist, but the Rand Paul interview begins at around the 3:15 mark.)

    Listen to Rand Paul's voice. Look into his eyes. Now, I don't wanna sound like some totally insane crazy nut job — no offense, Ron Paul supporters, no offense! — but I suspect that Rand Paul is, in fact, just a slow-aging clone of his father Ron.

    You know, like Boba was to Jango.

    If that's the case, then we really need to listen to what he says. He possesses knowledge that we can only dream about! And he might own a jet pack.

    Tags: Charlie Crist, Florida, Jay Leno, Kentucky, Rachel Maddow, Rand Paul, Republicans, Roberta McCain, Ron Paul, Rush Limbaugh, Senate