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Chicago
  • Barack Obama Is a Closer

    President Barry Soetero is hittin' the road, Willy Loman-style, to promote his deficit plan. Like all the great snake oil salesmen of old, this Kenyan witch doctor will bust out a fancy stump speech, gesticulate wildly, and plant fake audience members in the crowd to claim his product will cure what ails us.

    Let's hear what he had to say last week in notoriously right-wing Republican stronghold Chicago

    "I know there are times where some of you have felt frustrated because we’ve had to compromise with the Republicans on some issues," he said. "There have been times people are frustrated because we didn’t get everything done in the first two years. There have been times where I felt the same way you do."

    Yes, Dear Leader, it must be frustrating to compromise with people who are always right about everything ever! Like how Planned Parenthood kills babies for funz, and how poor people hate work and should die alone on the street. Alas, these two totems of the RNC platform seem to escape Barry's comprehension.

    Ugh, what else did he say in Chi-town that we can expect to hear again and again this week?

    But Mr. Obama implored the crowd not to lose heart, declaring that the vision of America he laid out in his fiscal speech — one in which "we are connected to one another; that I am my brother’s keeper, I am my sister’s keeper" — would animate his campaign and drive the debate in the 2012 election.

    Caring for one another? Ewwww… Someone send this godless socialist communist back to the safe, well-regulated, unionized loser factory from whence he came.


    Tags: Barack Obama, Chicago, Economy, Illinois, Medicare
  • Stephen Colbert Talks to @MayorEmanuel

    I don't get it. Dan Sinker is getting all this press just for creating @MayorEmanuel, a fake Twitter account that tells the fantastical story of Rahm Emanuel's rise to control an ocean of infinite Chicagos, and my LiveJournal list of every anachronism from the ten-year run of Happy Days hasn't gotten a hit in two months. Where are people's priorities?



    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.


    Tags: Chicago, Illinois, Rahm Emanuel, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Twitter, Video
  • Two Mayor Emanuels Enter, One Mayor Emanuel Leaves (with a Check for $5,000 for His Favorite Charity)

    Dan Sinker — the Columbia College journalism professor who recently revealed himself as the man behind the fucking infamous @MayorEmanuel account on Twitter — survived a harrowing face-to-face encounter with the actual Mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel yesterday afternoon…

     

    (via The Daily What)


    Tags: Chicago, Illinois, Rahm Emanuel, Twitter
  • All Hail Mayor Rahm Emanuel, All-Powerful Ruler of Chicago

    As a Chicago resident, I for one welcome our new 9.5-fingered overlord

    Rahm Emanuel, a top adviser to two U.S. presidents who returned to Chicago just months ago, swept into the mayor's office Tuesday, inheriting a city reeling from recession and promising to reshape City Hall.

    He achieved what was once considered almost unthinkable, collecting a majority of support against five opponents in the first Chicago election without a sitting mayor on the ballot since 1947…

    Emanuel amassed 55.2 percent with 99.5 percent of city precincts counted, above the 50 percent-plus benchmark he needed to win outright to avoid an April runoff.

    I suppose it's for the best. I don't really know what kind of damage Emanuel will do to the city. But I do know that it's nothing compared to the kind of damage he would have done if he'd lost.

    He gets angry.


    Tags: Chicago, Illinois, Rahm Emanuel
  • Illinois LGBT Community Wins Hospital Visits!

    Nearly lost in the hoopla over that small Egyptian event is the fact that the gays have a big reason to party in Illinois!

    Governor Pat Quinn on Monday made Illinois the 16th U.S. state to give spousal rights to same-sex couples by signing into law a measure allowing civil unions.

    Both houses of the Illinois legislature narrowly passed the measure that takes effect in July, though it does not alter a state law that limits marriage to a man and a woman.

    Alright, it ain’t full marriage, but still! Gays and lesbians will get all sort of new rights regarding stuff like “hospital visitation, making health-care decisions, and matters concerning probate of a partner's estate.”

    Congratulations to Illinois gays, and here are our suggestions for a few Illinois-appropriate civil union receptions/parties…

    1. Served bootlegged liquor at your reception. Guests dressed as Al Capone get an open bar; everybody else has to pay twice as much or risk getting his/her knees broken.

    2. Ask One True Mayor-for-Life Rahm Emanuel to perform your ceremony. Sure, he just barely sneaked onto the ballot and he hasn't actually been elected yet, but when has that stopped any powerful Chicago politician from getting things done? As a bonus, you'll have the pleasure of hearing your officiant say, "Do you, [insert your name], take this mutha#$%@!r to be your civilly-wedded husband? YOU F&%^ing better say yes, you son of a bitch!"

    3. Make Rod Blagojevich a bridesmaid. Seriously, that guy will do anything these days. Have you seen his pistachio commercial?


    Tags: Chicago, Illinois, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Rahm Emanuel, Rod Blagojevich