Let's be clear here. If Barack Obama does somehow manage to pull out a reelection victory in November, it will be a tragedy of unimaginable proportions. The union will almost certainly founder. The Constitution will in all likelihood be burnt on a pyre as a sacrifice to the liberal god of Islamic atheism. Mount Rushmore will without doubt be leveled to make way for an enormous Jamba Juice outlet. America as we know it will end!!!
That said, every cloud has a silver lining…
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie says he's open to running for president in four years if the job is open.
The first-term Republican says he hopes fellow Republican Mitt Romney beats President Barack Obama in November and seeks re-election in 2016. But if the presidency is open, Christie says he'll "certainly think about it."
Throw in Paul Ryan as vice president and I'll maybe consider not hurling myself into the Grand Canyon on November 7th.
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: 2016, Chris Christie
* Dave Holmes asks, "Has it been good for the gays?"
* Chick-fil-A's new NSFW ad campaign.
* Only the finest politicians to be on Parks and Recreation.
* Jimmy Kimmel's This Week in Unnecessary Censorship.
* What do real Americans think of Chris Christie giving he RNC keynote speech?
* Infographic about the rules of reporting tragic news.
Tags: Chick-fil-A, Chris Christie, Daily Links, Guns, Jimmy Kimmel, LGBT, Republican National Convention, Republicans
You know that Roseanne Barr brought us a legendary, award-winning sitcom. You know she ran for the Green Party presidential nomination this year, and you know she's the next Comedy Central Roastee.
Brace yourselves for the #RoseanneRoast, coming to Comedy Central on Aug. 12, 10/9c. Follow CCRoasts on Tumblr for more Roast news!
Related: Green Party convention live coverage
Tags: Barack Obama, Chris Christie, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Roseanne Barr
A lot of people who have never lived in New Jersey seem a bit confused by Gov. Chris Christie's wild popularity among state citizens. But it never confused me. Big overweight loud-mouthed guy with lots and lots of terrible ideas? He's pretty much every citizen's uncle.
Look, I was born in New Jersey. I grew up in New Jersey. I spent the first decade of my adult life in New Jersey. I spent many formative summers hawking stuffed animals on the boardwalk in Wildwood, New Jersey. So, please believe me when I tell you that this guy is New Jersey…
Gov. Christie got into a verbal smackdown at the Jersey Shore with an unidentified man who reportedly made snide remarks about the governor's education policies, according to TMZ.com…
"You're a real big shot, you're a real big shot shootin' your mouth off," Christie yells at the man.
"Just take care of the teachers," the man responded, according to TMZ. He may as well have kicked sand in the governor's face.
Christie turns up the heat. The shaking cellphone footage shows the Republican aggressively strutting towards the man, barking "Keep walking away… keep walking."
When you're dealing with New Jerseyans, there's a few thins you've got to understand: You never talk about their girlfriend's hair. You never speak ill of Bruce Springsteen. You never talk shit on the Giants/Eagles (depending on which part of the state you're in), unless they lost last night, in which case you never say anything nice about them. And you never disparage a person's policies for lowering the state budget via massive cuts in education.
We have very strong feelings about all those things.
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Chris Christie, Education, New Jersey
"You tell them, if you see them on the beach, you tell them, 'Get the hell off the beach and get back to Trenton and vote for my tax cut. Right now.'"
Not terrible as far as political catch phrases go. I'd rank it somewhere between "Yes we can!" and "Where's the beef?"
Plus, it's useful if you're campaign during a shark attack.
Tags: Chris Christie, New Jersey, Quote Unquote, Taxes, Vacation