Colbert: John Boehner Did It!

The Republicans won a majority in the House just two days ago, and as Stephen Colbert pointed out on last night's Colbert Report, they've already accomplished so much, from making a profit on TARP to saving the auto industry. In fact, some say the party started turning things around months ago. It's all part of the GOP's new philosophy, Trickle Back in Time Economics.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Alcohol, Chris Coons, Christine O’Donnell, CNN, Colorado, Delaware, Economy, Harry Reid, House of Representatives, Illinois, James Carville, Joe Sestak, John Boehner, John Hall, Ken Buck, LGBT, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Pat Toomey, Pennsylvania, Senate, Sharron Angle, Stephen Colbert, TARP, Tea Party, The Colbert Report, Unemployment, Video, Washington

My Favorite Election Night Moment: Christine O'Donnell's Concession Speech

Democrat Chris Coons defeated Republican Christine O'Donnell by 18% in the Delaware Senate race, but in her concession speech, she announced "we have won." And you know what? She's right. Well, "we" didn't win anything, but she sure did, which is why even compared to some of the night's victory speech's, O'Donnell's was among the most enthusiastic.

So, what was she so damn happy about? She was happy about winning what matters, duh. O'Donnell received the most news coverage of any candidate in the midterms, quite a feat considering few had heard of her before the primaries and she never posed any kind of serious general election threat. That she received the bulk of that coverage for being a clown doesn't matter either. What matters is, she's a star now.

Book deals, speaking engagements, maybe even a reality show if we all pray loud enough. Those are the rewards that await Christine O'Donnell, and with just a moment of listening to her speech, you know she knows it. Chris Coons might have gotten the most votes, but all he got out of the election is one of the shittiest jobs in the country.

So, congratulations to Christine O'Donnell, the biggest winner of the night.

Tags: Chris Coons, Christine O’Donnell, Delaware, Midterms, Senate

Christine O'Donnell Goes Down

According to CNN, in the race to fill the Delaware Senate seat left vacant by Vice President Joe Biden, Republican Christine O'Donnell is projected to lose to her Democratic opponent, whoever that is.

As you'll recall, O'Donnell garnered more media coverage than any other political candidate during this midterm cycle in part for her anti-masturbation stance, a history of witchcraft followed by a peculiar campaign ad in which she denied being a witch, and a flimsy understanding of the First Amendment of the Constitution.

Her opponent–who I feel like is named something like Chuck or Chaz, something like that, it's right on the tip of my tongue–on the other hand, is best known for not being Christine O'Donnell. Chip? Is that it? Chip Cruise? Let's go with that.

Speculation abounds over how O'Donnell will parlay her notoriety within the GOP, but I'm going to go out on a limb and predict she will quit her job as Governor of Alaska within the next six months.

Tags: Chris Coons, Christine O’Donnell, Delaware, Democrats, Joe Biden, Liveblog, Masturbation, Republicans, Senate

Christine O'Donnell Learns That the First Amendment Is a Thing That Exists

Do you know what's great about running for the U.S. Senate? You learn all kinds of stuff about the country. Like, did you know that there's a First Amendment? Apparently, it's right there just before the Second Amendment. Who knew?

"Where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?" O'Donnell asked [her opponent Chris Coons during a debate]. When Coons responded that the First Amendment bars Congress from making laws respecting the establishment of religion, O'Donnell asked: "You're telling me that's in the First Amendment?"

Her comments, in a debate aired on radio station WDEL, generated a buzz in the audience. "You actually audibly heard the crowd gasp," Widener University political scientist Wesley Leckrone said after the debate, adding that it raised questions about O'Donnell's grasp of the Constitution.

It's true! I checked! And that's not all; there's all kinds of crazy shit in this thing. Like, did you know that you're not allowed to keep slaves. What?! When did this happen? Why did this not show up in my Twitter feed?

Oh, and apparently, we're not allowed to drink alcohol. Of all the fu– Wait, never mind. Yes, we can. Crisis averted, people. Crisis averted.

Update: Politico has some extremely Yikes!y audio from the debate.

Tags: Bill of Rights, Chris Coons, Christine O’Donnell, Constitution, Debates, Delaware, Religion

Colbert Defends Christine O'Donnell's Debate Performance

On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen discussed Christine O'Donnell's recent debate with Chris Coons, wherein she equated homosexuality with adultery. Using O'Donnell's previous statements, Stephen was able to deduce that she believes masturbating is the same as being gay. Well, I for one, could not be more relieved. Just wait until my wife finds out I was only masturbating in that rest-stop men's room.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Chris Coons, Christine O’Donnell, Delaware, LGBT, Masturbation, Senate, Sex, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video