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  • 11 Reasons Why America Will Never Be #2

    A new study released by the National Intelligence Council claims that the United States–currently the world's #1 economic superpower–will fall to second place sometime before 2030, and that China will take the top spot.

    National Intelligence Council? More like National Dumb-igence Council. China may have a growing middle class, but the United States has plenty of reasons why it will always be #1, in everything.

    Here are 11 of them:

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    Tags: Alcohol, China, Christmas, Chuck Grassley, Food, Music, South Dakota, Television, War on Christmas
  • Americans Think Santa Is a Democrat

    Public Policy Polling — unofficial motto: "Pay Attention to Us!" — finds that 44% of Americans believe Santa is a Democrat, 28% say he is a Republican, while the remainder are annoyed that they can no longer distinguish between crank calls and PPP surveys.

    Both sides have their arguments. Santa's prodigious gift-giving reputation rivals any Democrat's commitment to entitlement spending. On the other hand, an old white man who runs an off-shore workshop in a business-friendly territory — the North Pole is definitely a "right to work" state — and exploits the labor of "elves" has plenty of reasons to vote Republican.

    The poll also found that “If Grandma got run over by a reindeer," 61% of respondents would not press charges and 24% would. Only 19% of Republicans would press charges, compared to 33% of Democrats, which is what happens when you have a political party overrun with trial lawyers.

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Christmas, Democrats, Polls, Republicans, Santa Claus
  • Dump Trump Protests Fill Macy's Facebook Page

    Macy's partnership with Donald Trump includes investments in his clothing line and Trump the Fragrance, a perfume for those wondering what a combination of eau de horseshit and megalomania smells like. Unsurprisingly, not everyone is happy about the relationship between Macy's and one of America's worst people.

    In addition to a 677,000-strong petition urging Macy's to sever ties with Trump, shoppers have taken to Macy's Facebook page and threatened to boycott the store, which means they are simultaneously committing an act of Christmas charity by giving Trump the gift of attention…

    "Please dump Trump. Macy's has always been synonymous with "class" to me and that guy is such a walking sleazebag. He is dragging your good name down. I've got the scissors right here and I will be cutting my card in half shortly if this clown stays around."

    "I usually buy most of my Christmas presents at Macy's because of their good deals and wonderful quality. However, I have not spent one dime there this season because of this bully. I usually buy the $35 Christmas card also, but nothing now. Too bad because I know of so many who are doing the same. I love Macy's but can't stand what this man stands for. I'm disappointed Macy's supports him."

    "Take out the trash and dump Trump! He has tarnished your image and ruined Macy's reputation."

    This might break new ground for The Donald, who usually sticks to bankrupting his own businesses. If he insists on bankrupting other people's companies, Mitt Romney is never going to find a new job.

    For now, Macy's has resisted calls to get rid of Trump, but as he should have taught them by now, there are some problems you can't comb over.

    Donald Trump Gets an Intervention for His Birtherholism
    Donald Trump Rages at the Sky Like a Wounded Animal

    Photo by David Cannon/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

    Tags: Christmas, Donald Trump, Facebook
  • One Million Moms Hates Ellen DeGeneres, Especially at Christmas

    Ellen DeGeneres Christmas ad(Considerably Fewer Than) One Million Moms, a division of the American Family Association that's as good at homophobia as it is bad at counting, released a statement calling for another boycott of JCPenney over the retailer's partnership with sneaker-wearing human Ellen DeGeneres.

    "Since April, JC Penney's has not aired Ellen DeGeneres in one of their commercials until now. A new JCP ad features Ellen and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets."

    Three elves! Perhaps Twenty Thousand Moms Rounded Up To the Nearest One Million isn't an awful group of bigots that rejects contemporary life, but an organization with a strange hatred of elves?

    The mention of the DeGeneres ad appeared on the group's website after a warning about the Victoria's Secret fashion show and before one about Urban Outfitters selling sweaters with an expletive on them.

    No, they just hate everything.

    Photo by Theo Wargo/WireImage/Getty Images

    Tags: American Family Association, Christmas, LGBT