Latest Posts

Chuck Baldwin
  • Third Party Candidates Treated Like Not-Serious Candidates Simply Because They Were Not Serious Candidates

    The Baltimore sun did a little research into the amount of press given to Barack Obama and John McCain compared to that given to third party candidates Ralph Nader, Bob Barr, Cynthia McKinney and that other guy whatever his name is.

    And their findings are quite interesting.

    But, first, here's a cat on a Roomba…

    Hahahahaha. That's so awesome. Go, cat, go!

    Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah…

    Cats are funny.

    Tags: Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Constitution Party, Cynthia McKinney, Green Party, Libertarian, Ralph Nader
  • Meet Your 7th Through 16th Party Candidates!

    For too many years, America has been choked by its tired, imperialist six-party system. The only thing differentiating John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democratic), Bob Barr (Libertarian), Cynthia McKinney (Green), Chuck Baldwin (Constitution) and Ralph Nader (Peace & Freedom) is their preferred sexual position with corporate lobbyists and defense contractors.

    So let's meet the real candidates for change, running as anywhere from 7th-party to 16th-party candidates on a ballot near you. (This is especially true if you live in Colorado, where all sixteen are on the ballot.)

    Candidate Platform
    Alan Keyes

    America's Independent Party

    Firmly committed to losing miserably to Barack Obama– any time, any place, any office.
    Jonathan Allen

    Heartquake '08 Party

    Taking over for Dick Cheney, who was the Heartquake '00-'07 candidate.
    Thomas Robert Stevens

    Objectivist Party

    Dedicated to the economic philosophies of Ayn Rand, which means re-installing Alan Greenspan as Federal Reserve chairman and commissioning a new national anthem penned by Rush.
    Charles Jay

    Boston Tea Party

    Essentially the Libertarian platform, with a key added goal of throwing John Kerry into a harbor.
    Gene C. Amondson

    Prohibition Party

    Revisiting the policies of the 1920s, because if we're going to have a second depression, we ought to get it right.  (Note that the platform doesn't seem to be working, given that the campaign's only MySpace friend is Tom.)
    Róger Calero (or James Harris)

    Socialist Workers Party

    Ending the capitalistic hegemony of the two parties dominating American government; restore power to the people.
    Brian Moore

    Socialist USA Party

    Retake Washington from the evil triumvirate of Republicans, Democrats and the Socialist Workers Party; restore power to the people.
    Gloria La Riva

    Socialism and Liberation Party

    Destroy the corrupt, neo-fascist tyranny of the Socialist Workers Party and the Socialist USA Party; restore power to the people.

    Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Cynthia McKinney, John McCain, Ralph Nader
  • More Debate, Coming Right Up!

    Details are emerging on the next presidential debate… You know, the one without those silly big-name politicians who no one really cares about anyway.

    So get psyched: it's the third-party presidential debate! It will be held this Sunday. Sure, maybe Obama and McCain won't be there, but plenty of other swell folks will be.

    It will be held in a classroom at Columbia University — an Ivy League venue, which is pretty impressive considering all that those "big guys" could muster was Hofstra. And best of all, it will be broadcast on a famous national network that reaches every cable-subscribing home in America! (C-SPAN.)

    Needless to say, each of the candidates is expected to spend the bulk of his/her time pandering to Joe the Plumber. Here's each of the participants and their strategy…

    * Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate, will promise that Joe will never need to pay taxes again, nor worry about the government intruding on his life by doing things like paving roads and fighting fires.

    * Chuck Baldwin, the Constitution Party candidate, will propose a Constitutional amendment outlawing flag-burning, gay marriage, abortion, the teaching of evolution, and turning down Joe the Plumber when he asks you out on a date.

    * Ralph Nader, the independent candidate, will vow to steal enough votes away from Obama that somehow Joe will become president.

    * Cynthia McKinney, the Green Party candidate, will offer to punch a Capitol Police officer in the face on behalf of Joe.

    Tags: Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Constitution Party, Cynthia McKinney, Green Party, Libertarian, Ralph Nader
  • How the Third Party Candidates Can Still Pull It Off

    Remember that time on Lost when everyone became consumed and distracted by Jack vs. Locke, and then all of a sudden Sawyer had all the guns and got to be in charge for, like, a day?

    Well, what's to stop the same thing from happening in the presidential election? I mean, other than logic, history and common sense.

    Because the fact of the matter is, the third party contenders may be down, but they are not yet out. Circumstances remain that could put one of them in the White House.

    Circumstances like…

    The Green Party's Cynthia McKinney
    An abundance of absent-minded voters arrive to the polls remembering only that they want either "the black one" or "McSomething."

    The Constitution Party's Chuck Baldwin
    Every registered voter in the country gets pretty bad diarrhea on election day. Except Chuck Baldwin's mom.

    Libertarian Bob Barr
    An arcane Supreme Court ruling is discovered that awards 400 electoral votes to the candidate with the bossest 'stache.

    Independent Ralph Nader
    Americans suddenly decide to vote for the candidate they most want to hang out in a bar and abolish the Taft-Hartley act with.

    Independent Alan Keyes
    Days before the election, voters fed up with the ineffective two-party system look for something new and better. The message of Alan Keyes campaign begins resonating across the country, bringing people of all stripes together in an unprecedented moment of unity. Because Alan Keyes built a robot that hypnotized everyone.

    Tags: Alan Keyes, Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Cynthia McKinney, Ralph Nader
  • Ron Paul Endorses Unknown Man from Unknown Party

    Iconoclast and former GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul has made a huge announcement, and plans to change the upcoming election with his endorsement of some guy named Chuck Baldwin who is from something called the Constitution Party…

    In a letter to supporters, Paul wrote, "I'm supporting Chuck Baldwin, the Constitution Party candidate."

    Paul went on to say, "There is no real choice between the two major parties and their nominees, only the rhetoric varies. The amazingly long campaign is designed to make sure the real issues are ignored."

    Baldwin is that one-two punch combination of Pundit and Pastor — his evangelical church is in Pensacola Florida. His party believes in abolishing the UN, ending the Iraq War, a repeal of income, sales, and inheritance taxes, a "constitutionally limited form of government", as well as of course, immigration reform.

    I'm thumbing through my copy of the Constitution right now to find the section that describes that the government must build a giant fucking wall around its borders to keep the brown people out.

    The Constitution Party claims that Baldwin's candidacy will put a dent in the "big box" candidates, so look out, Whole Foods Obama And Ikea McCain!

    The conventional wisdom suggests that 3rd party candidates don't make much difference in the outcome, but the Constitution Party is at least the fourth or fifth party, so who knows what havoc they might reak?

    Tags: Chuck Baldwin, Constitution Party, Ron Paul