From the Pork Barrel: A Mockery of the System

* MSNBC's Chuck Todd is angry that Stephen Colbert is "making a mockery of the system" when that's clearly the news networks' job.

* SOPA and PIPA have been dropped by Congress, leaving legislators with no choice but to think up innovative new ways to tear down civilization.

* Chuck Norris joins the list of people who have endorsed Newt Gingrich going into the South Carolina primaries, marking the first time that he has ever been the least ridiculous person on any list.

* South Carolina politics continues its proud tradition of being the absolute worst.

Tags: Chuck Norris, House of Representatives, Internet, Newt Gingrich, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Science & Technology, Senate, SOPA, South Carolina

Chuck Norris Doesn't Quite Ruin Kind of Entertaining Conservative Commercial

Okay, okay, okay. I will begrudgingly admit to liking this voter registration commercial just released from the conservative Trigger the Vote. Maybe a little because the main guy kinda reminds me of a low-rent Kenny Powers, and a lot because Chuck Norris is barely in it and doesn't try to be funny and I don't have to look at his face for too long…

Yay! Kind of funny conservative commercial and very little Chuck Norris! That is the good kind of kind of funny conservative commercial. (In case you haven't guessed, I am strongly opposed to the beatification of Chuck Norris.)

Hey, here's a Chuck Norris fact: Do you know what's behind Chuck Norris' beard? A sad childish fading action star who was always kind of second rate and shitty to begin with.

Tags: Chuck Norris, Conservatives, Guns

From the Pork Barrel: Forgetting 9/11, Remembering the Garlic

* Mr. Nine eleven forgot that nine eleven nine elevened on nine eleven!!9!!!11!!!!

* GOP, to Michael Steele: "Please stop." Michael Steele, to GOP: "Shut up." America, to itself: "Sigh."

* The U.S. shed 85,000 jobs last month, because our economy eats green shoots and leaves.

* You loved his goat-fucking turn on The Colbert Report. Now Erick Erickson stars in a new comedy called "Internet Petition," also featuring Mitt Romney and Chuck Norris.

* Speaking of vampires (and werewolves): Councilman Jim Ramsey of Lawndale, California has become a minor sensation for saying that thing about the garlic, but he wasn't being serious. Or… was he?

Tags: 9/11, California, Chuck Norris, Economy, Erick Erickson, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Michael Steele, Michelle Malkin, Mitt Romney, Pork Barrel, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, Unemployment

Chuck Norris Wins the Health Care Debate

Chuck Norris truly is an unparalleled political scientist and master theologian both…

"What would have happened if Mother Mary had been covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor and uninsured teenage woman had been provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy?

"Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind if their parents had been as progressive as Washington's wise men and women! Will Obamacare morph into Herodcare for the unborn?"

I don't know how to make fun of that quote any better than that quote already made fun of itself.

(via The Daily Dish)

Tags: Abortion, Barack Obama, Christianity, Chuck Norris, Health Care, Religion, The Bible

From the Pork Barrel: More Cowbell from the White House?

* Somebody at the White House is obviously less than a million years old.

* John Oliver is the Usain Bolt of making fun of Glenn Beck.

* Remembering the Kennedy boys: Who was the most do-able?

* Behind every great Massachusetts politician is about 800 or 900 women.

* Keith Olbermann's quest to become the liberal Bill O'Reilly is going exactly according to plan.

* But do these conservative politicians really love Chuck Norris for Chuck Norris?

Tags: Alabama, Chuck Norris, Edward Kennedy, Glenn Beck, John Kennedy, John Oliver, Keith Olbermann, Massachusetts, MSNBC, Robert Kennedy, Sex, Twitter, White House