Chuck Norris Has a Special Birthday Greeting for Barack Obama

Are you people still thinking up your birthday greetings for the president? Well, you'd better get typing, because Chuck Norris already beat you to the punch! (Get it??)

Chuck's message isn't quite as sexy as Marilyn cooing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to JFK, but it is a whole lot more red-blooded Americanier…

Dear Mr. President:

First, happy birthday. I do hope Aug. 4 is an enjoyable day for you and your family. Coincidentally, I also will be celebrating this week the birth of someone dear to me, my beloved wife, Gena, whose birthday is on Aug. 9.

Gosh. I wonder where Chuck could be headed with this.

Mr. President, as more and more people realize that you are refusing to release your original birth certificate, further questions will fuel the fires of debate or at least hinder the embers from ever being snuffed out. Questions like, "Does it really contain the Hawaiian physician's name?" Or "Does it disclose something other than his birth place that he wishes others not to see?"

[O]n July 23 in your prime time press conference, you said that your administration was more transparent than those of previous presidencies: "I think that we have provided much greater transparency than existed prior to our administration coming in." So again I ask, why not live out that transparency promise by posting your original birth certificate and end the division and debate?

Well, I have a birthday to plan, so I better get going.

Uh-huh, Chuck, sure. You have a "birthday" to plan.

And I guess we're just supposed to take your word on that?

Teabaggers Celebrate Diversity

From yesterday's Teabagging Orgy in Houston, Texas…

See? Teabagging — and the conservative movement in general — isn't just for white people anymore. It's also for Caucasians, people of European descent, fans of Walker, Texas Ranger and stars of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Oh, and Michael Steele.

Of course, he wasn't allowed to attend.

But the sign is a pretty good stand-in, don't you think?

(via The Daily What)

The Blog Hole:Chuck Norris, Andrew Sullivan and Fox Nation

Fair, Balanced, Lil' Bit Unhinged: FOX News, never shy when wearing it's heart on it's sleeve or Glock on it's hip, has launched an entire website dedicated to conservative opinion.  There's thoughtful rage, blind rage, and impotent rage. Something for everyone. [foxnation.com]

Republicans Hate Obama, Democrats Love Obama, Move Along: The Atlantic's independently-minded scribbler Andrew Sullivan interprets Obama's poll numbers, which reveal that the faithful remain so, and the opposition continues with it's very loud seething. [andrewsullivan.com]

Gays Can Marry In Corn Country: The Mormons are having a little freak out, says Joe Sudbay. Specifically over Iowa joining the tide of states allowing homosexuals to legally be eligible for divorce. [americablog.com]

Walker, Texas Ranger, Theologian: The future President of Texas, Chuck Norris, would like you to know that no matter what the actual President of the United States says, we are a Christian nation. Got it? [creators.com]

From the Pork Barrel: Lightning and Thunder

Here's a new feature I'm gonna start doing on most days. Really just a list of some interesting articles or websites that we didn't have time to hit.

* Apparently, "Barack" and "Rahm" mean lightning and thunder in Hebrew. And, interestingly enough, congresspeople will be able to know how serious a situation is by counting the seconds between when Obama says something and Emanuel comes around to break their arms.

* Do not misunderestimate Rahm Emanuel's vocal eloquence.

* Did you know? Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.

* Matt Drudge, like your finer forms of fungus, will just never go away completely.

* Mormons thrilled they get to tell other people their marriages are fucked up.

Chuck Norris: But I Heard Him Exclaim/As He Drove Out of Sight/Merry Christmas to All/Barack Obama is an Oddly-Tanned Marxist

As an amateur political operative, Chuck Norris is experiencing the grief associated with losing a hard-fought presidential campaign for the first time. First comes denial. Then comes anger. Then comes writing a poem that sort of follows the meter of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas about how your opponent and his multi-ethnic goons are going to sweep down and take all of your money away in a hay wagon. Then depression. Then acceptance.

When all of a sudden/There arose such a noise/I peered out of my window/ Saw Obama and his boys.

Aww yeeeeahhh! Obamaz Boyz are ready to roll up in the White Hizzouse, son! I nizzominate Ludacris for Sezzecretary of Hip-Hop. And Lil' Wayne for Dazzeputy Uzzunder Sezzecretary of the Interior.

Bitches!

They had come for my wallet./ They wanted my pay/ To give to the others,/ Who had not worked a day!

It is widely known that for every million Americans lazing around under the hood of a car every morning or sleeping all day just to stroll in to the office at 9pm for the "night shift," there are two or three Americans out there busting their humps almost twice a year pretending to kick people in the face on film. Under an Obama administration, all television and movie violence will be outsourced to Muslims, who fight without honor.

Fun Fact: did you know that Chuck's 1998 TV movie Logan's War: Bound by Honor was actually shot in a day.

He snatched up my money /And quick as a wink /Jumped back on his bandwagon/ As I gagged from the political stink.

Take it from me, Chuck. You haven't truly experienced political stink until you've walked in on James Carville and Mary Matalin doing a reverse 71 in Bill Bennett's sauna.

There are some stinks that can't be roundhouse kicked out of the mind.

Update (9:48 a.m.): Russ points out that Chuck only cops to receiving this poem in an e-mail, not writing it which, of course, reminds me of my all-time favorite Chuck Norris fact:

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write poetry. He gets poetry in his inbox. And does martial arts. And hurts people.

Oh, and this one:

If you get kicked by Chuck Norris, well… darn.