From the Pork Barrel: Rick Perry on Rick Perry

* Rick Perry is jumping on the make fun of Rick Perry bandwagon. Unfortunately, just after everyone else is forgetting that Rick Perry is a person who exists.

* Sen. Chuck Schumer takes a joke about as well you you might guess Sen. Chuck Schumer might.

* Republicans are learning the proper way to address the Occupy Wall Street movement. Surprisingly, growling "Go get a job after you take a bath" hardly factors in at all.

* Newt Gingrich is continuing to amass support for his army of of poverty-stricken underage custodians. You won't be laughing when their little fingers start clawing their way up from the bathroom sink.

* Turns out the Ginger White thing was such an non-infidelity that Herman Cain didn't even bother telling his wife about her. Your move, vast conspiracy trying to take Cain down.

* Glenn Beck narrowly escaped an encounter with a real life genuine Muslim person yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family in this difficult time.

Tags: Chuck Schumer, Ginger White, Glenn Beck, Herman Cain, Islam, Newt Gingrich, Occupy Wall Street, Polls, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Scandalgate, Senate, Sex

Jon Stewart on the Motivational Qualities of "The Town"

I'm assuming Deliverance wasn't available at Rep. Kevin McCarthy's DVD rental place…

Coverage of Washington politics continues after the jump.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

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Tags: Allen West, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, Debt, Democrats, Economy, House of Representatives, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Kevin McCarthy, Movies, Republicans, Star Wars, Tea Party, The Daily Show, Video, Wall Street

Jon Stewart on the Impending Government Shutdown/End of Days

Little know fact about this government shutdown people keep talking about: If the government is forced to close itself, everybody has to leave the country until Congress opens it back up again. Doesn't matter whether you file up into Canada or wait on the other side of the Mexican border wall. Or even if you just wanna wade into the Atlantic or Pacific. You just gotta go.

Oh, and don't bother hiding under your desk or in the tool shed. They'll find you. They always find you…

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

Tags: Anthony Weiner, Chuck Schumer, Constitution, Democrats, Dick Morris, Eric Cantor, House of Representatives, Jon Stewart, Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, Money, Paul Ryan, Senate, Tea Party, The Daily Show, Video

Chuck Schumer Discovers How Phones Work

Did you know that when you talk with your mouth near a telephonic device that is on, people on the other side of that telephonic thingee can hear the words you're saying?

Crazy, right?

Moments before a conference call with reporters was scheduled to get underway on Tuesday morning, Charles E. Schumer of New York, the No. 3 Democrat in the Senate, apparently unaware that many of the reporters were already on the line, began to instruct his fellow senators on how to talk to reporters about the contentious budget process.

After thanking his colleagues… for doing the budget bidding for the Senate Democrats, who are facing off against the House Republicans over how to cut spending for the rest of the fiscal year, Mr. Schumer told them to portray John A. Boehner of Ohio, the speaker of the House, as painted into a box by the Tea Party, and to decry the spending cuts that he wants as extreme. “I always use the word extreme,” Mr. Schumer said. “That is what the caucus instructed me to use this week.”

A minute or two into the talking-points tutorial, though, someone apparently figured out that reporters were listening, and silence fell.

Ugh! It's so painful to watch Democrats trying to scheme. It's like watching your drunk, middle-aged, recently-divorced uncle hitting on a teenage girl at a cousin's wedding. You know it's not going to end well, but you can't bring yourself to look away from the carnage.

You know what would be a good way to stimulate the economy? Let's hire people to just follow the Democrats around all day with a sound system playing Yakety Sax. It would make them easier to watch at any rate.

Tags: Chuck Schumer, Democrats, John Boehner, Senate, Tea Party

Senate Republicans Reluctantly Agree to Maybe Throw a Few Coins at Sickly First Responders

Aw, these Republicans, they're not so bad once you get to know them. They might grumble and growl about not wanting to divert any money away from the gold coin vaults of their billionaire friends for a few dirty firemen. But really, when it comes right down to it, all they need is to be publicly shamed in front of the entire nation, and they'll cave in and agree to your stupid 9/11 First Responders Health Care bill like the big softies they are.

Provided you agree to gut the funding by nearly half…

The compromise on Wednesday was reached after the two New York senators, Charles E. Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand, agreed to changes demanded by conservative Republicans, who raised concerns about the measure’s overall cost. Under the new agreement, the bill provides $4.3 billion over five years to provide health coverage to the 9/11 workers, instead of the original $7.4 billion over eight years.

With lawmakers eager to get home for the holidays, the Senate is expected within the hour to take up the bill by unanimous consent, an agreement made between both parties to bypass any potentially time-consuming debate.

It is truly a Christmas miracle! God bless us, everyone! Ho ho ho!

Tags: 9/11, Chuck Schumer, First Responders, Health, Health Care, Kirsten Gillibrand, Republicans, Senate