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Chuck Schumer
  • Lindsey Graham and the Not-Going-Away-Anytime-Soon Big "Gay" Question

    Rumors of Lindsey Graham's gayness may or may not have been greatly exaggerated. Either way, it doesn't matter none to William Gheen — with whom with whose acquaintance we met yesterday — and his xenophobia PAC.

    They've decided to just go full-force gay against the South Carolina senator

    The national border security organization known as Americans for Legal Immigration PAC (ALIPAC) is officially calling for US Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) to make his homosexual lifestyle public knowledge in the interest of political integrity and national security…

    Yes, it is of the utmost importance to "national security" that Americans discover the truth about the kind of genitals Graham is predisposed to spend his evenings enjoying. Luckily we have the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC around to check up on stuff like that. Well, that's what they're here for, right?

    "US Senator Lindsey Graham is gay and while many people in South Carolina and Washington DC know that, the general public and Graham's constituents do not," said William Gheen President of ALIPAC.

    "I personally do not care about Graham's private life [Ed note: Obvs.], but in this situation his desire to keep this a secret may explain why he is doing a lot of political dirty work for others who have the power to reveal his secrets. Senator Graham needs to come out of the closet inside that log cabin so the public can rest assured he is not being manipulated with his secret."

    Oh, he's being blackmailed! Now, I see! The Democrats are blackmailing him into drafting a new comprehensive immigration reform bill with Sen. Chuck Schumer. Why, that makes all the sense in the world!

    But, you know, Lindsey Graham really has no one but himself to blame for all this. I mean, he knew a long time ago the choice that he would have to make: Keep America safe from the Mexicans or Be a gay (allegedly). And he chose to be a gay (allegedly), so now he's forced let all the Mexicans into America. It's simple economics.

    And, besides, the dude was really flaunting his alleged gayness. Couldn't he have just gotten himself into a sham marriage like Larry Craig? Or, at the very least, refrained from appearing in drag at the 2010 Miss America Pageant Preliminary Competition? (Though, you have to admit, the guy cleans up real well.)


    Tags: Chuck Schumer, Immigration, LGBT, Lindsey Graham, Mexico, Republicans, Senate
  • A Dramatic Call for Tim Geithner's Resignation, Dramatized

    tim-geithner-hand-worried
    REP. KEVIN BRADY (R-TX): You suck. I hate you. Everybody hates you.

    TIM GEITHNER: That's not true. Everybody hates the economic crisis, which is what I'm trying to fix.

    REP. KEVIN BRADY: No. In the last nine months you, personally, have fired millions of people from their jobs. I think you need a hobby. One that does not involve singlehandedly destroying our economy. If you like numbers, perhaps you should try Sudoku.

    TIM GEITHNER: Do you not even remember the past eight years?

    REP. KEVIN BRADY: Maybe I'd have more time to remember things if I didn't have to spend all my time worrying about you destroying our economy.

    TIM GEITHNER: Jesus fucking Christ.

    REP. KEVIN BRADY: I demand that you resign, right now. Give me the keys to your office. And your tie.

    TIM GEITHNER: Are you serious?

    REP. DARRELL ISSA (R-CA): Kevin! You stole my line!

    SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER (D-NY): Hey, can we talk about Chinese currency manipulation for a sec?

    TIM GEITHNER: Yes, fine, I'll get on that, Chuck, but ISN'T IT INTERESTING that I can singlehandedly destroy the economy yet I have to ask all these other people before I can impose a few simple trade sanctions on China? Isn't that INTERESTING, Rep. Brady?

    REP. KEVIN BRADY: I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I'M SHOUTING TOO LOUD.

    The End! (Except, you know, not.)


    Tags: China, Chuck Schumer, Darrell Issa, Economy, Kevin Brady, Obama Administration, Timothy Geithner
  • Chuck Schumer Invokes He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in Support of Gay Marriage

    Here's Sen. Chuck Schumer — who, a couple years ago, opposed gay marriage — last week, speaking reasonably and eloquently* about expanding marriage rights to every American (and he even uses the word "transgender" — scandal!), before the the Empire State Pride Agenda, which, to be fair, is probably not the toughest crowd to deliver that message to.

    Even so, I'm happy, in this moment, to have him as my senator…

    Here's the money shot…

    "If Dick Cheney can support marriage, so can every Senator. So can every Democrat, Republican, Liberal Conservative. Equality should know no bounds, and we must not rest until we have marriage in all fifty of these United States."

    Hahaha. Shame sandwich! What kind of bread do you think the President and practically every Democratic congressperson prefers theirs on? I'll bet Obama likes his shame sandwiches made with seven-grain rolls, lightly toasted with dijon mustard and chèvre.

    .

    * He must have gotten some writing help from Roland Burris.


    Tags: Chuck Schumer, LGBT, Marriage Equality, New York, Senate
  • Sen. Chuck Schumer Supports Gays' Rights to Undermine Heterosexual Marriage

    Sen. Chuck Schumer sounds like he's finally ready to bring the big gay fight to big gay New York

    In what could become a watershed moment for LGBT activism in the Empire State, senior New York Sen. Chuck Schumer announced last night he now supports marriage for same-sex couples and is committed to a full repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act…

    "It’s time," Schumer’s office said in a statement to the Daily News. "Equality is something that has always been a hallmark of America and no group should be deprived of it. New York, which has always been at the forefront on issues of equality, is appropriately poised to take a lead on this issue."

    Oh, how nice! This'll give the Mormons an opportunity to come and visit and see their old birthplace. They can take breaks from subjugating minority groups and fighting against civil liberties to go antiquing and stuff.

    Oh, that might get awkward, though.


    Tags: Chuck Schumer, LGBT, New York, Proposition 8, Senate
  • Kirsten Gillibrand Can Look Like She Believes Whatever You Want Her to Look Like She Believes

    It's quite possible that Kirsten Gillibrand was not in fact chosen by David Paterson for her similarities to her predecessor Hillary Clinton, as I speculated last week.

    No, it might be that she was chosen for her similarities to whatever Democratic ideal the Democrats want her to look similar to…

    "Her views will evolve," Chuck Schumer offered, bluntly, as she stood next to him at a press conference, noting his own evolutionary embrace of agricultural subsidies when his district expanded beyond Brooklyn.

    Today, David Paterson offered his expectation that Gillibrand will "review some of the points of view that she has, as they apply to her new constituency."

    You want her to make a complete 180-degree U-turn on her support for the NRA? Give her five minutes. Want her to believe that Guantanamo Bay should be relocated to Saratoga, New York? Give her a mop, some fishing line, Elmer's glue and a vocoder.

    She can totally make this happen.


    Tags: Chuck Schumer, David Paterson, Kirsten Gillibrand, New York, Senate