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CIA
  • Stephen Colbert on Barack Obama's Secret Martian Gay Marriage

    "At one point during that summer, he was my roommate. And you don't forget your roommate when you're enrolled in a secret space program for the CIA." – Andrew Andrew D. Basiago on his time spent teleporting back-and-forth to Mars with Barack Obama

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    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.


    Tags: Barack Obama, CIA, EPA, LGBT, Marriage Equality, NASA, Science & Technology, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video, William Shatner
  • Good News: Aliens Are Real

    The Roswell UFO incident turned 65-years-young this week. To celebrate the occasion, an ex-CIA agent made it public that the United States government is, in fact, in possession of some little green men and a couple of flying saucers. It may be hard to swallow after years of being lied to, but the American public can rest easy knowing one man will finally reveal the truth

    Chase Brandon, an agent who served 25 years with the agency, said that the information is concealed in a hidden vault within the agency's Langley headquarters.

    "It was in a vaulted area — there was one box that really caught my eye. It had one word on it: Roswell. I rummaged inside it, put the box on the shelf and said, "My God, it really happened."

    There you go. Irrefutable proof from a person with the not at all Jason Bourne-sounding name of Chase Brandon. We can pretty much close the book on this one. But just to satisfy those people who still refuse to believe anything they read on the Internet, let's seal the deal by specifying exactly what it was Brandon saw in that box…

    "Some written material and some photographs, and that's all I will ever say to anybody about the contents of that box," he told the Huffington Post. 

    Darn. We were so close. I'll bet you that after initially talking to the media, Brandon made some additional "discoveries." Like that maybe that the box he found was placed there by his co-worker Blaize Lastely as a prank to get back at him for the time he left that "Ark of the Covenant" in an old government warehouse.

    Photo by Vstock LLC/Getty Images


    Tags: CIA, New Mexico
  • Defense Secretary Really Sorry About Costing Fed $800,000 on Airfare

    As former CIA Director and current Defense Secretary Leon Panetta has learned, working at the Pentagon during two unpopular wars can be really emotionally taxing. So it's important to go home for some R & R every now then.

    Even if those trips cost the government a million dollars

    Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta said Monday that he regrets that his frequent flights home to California on a military jet have cost taxpayers more than $800,000 since July. He gave no indication, however, that he would end the weekend commutes…

    Under government rules established by President George W. Bush, the defense secretary is required to fly on military aircraft, which are outfitted with secure communication links to the White House and Pentagon…

    The AP calculated that the expense of operating Panetta's military aircraft — usually an Air Force C-37A — totaled about $860,000 for those trips.

    It's OK, though, because Leon Panetta feels so bad about costing the government a million dollars for his fancy military flights. He's so sorry, in fact, he's going to keep doing it for the foreseeable future.

    Come on. Look at that little face. He's so sad. (Or just old?) He's crying big crocodile tears. Well, with a million dollars, they're more like designer crocodile-skin tears.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: CIA, Department of Defense, Leon Panetta, Money
  • U.S.-Pakistani Relations Requires a Good Osama bin Laden Conspiracy Theory

    Is there any problem that a halfway decent conspiracy theory can't fix? Probably not. Just ask the cryogenically frozen brains of founding fathers George Washington and Ronald Reagan. (Oh, you doubt that Reagan was present at our nation's founding? Then what did he use his time machine for, smart guy?)



    Coverage continues with Resident Expert John Hodgman and his big brain after the jump.

    The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

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    Tags: al Qaeda, CIA, Conspiracies, Indonesia, John Hodgman, John Kerry, Jon Stewart, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Spying, The Daily Show, Video
  • Pakistan Won't Effing Stop Leaking CIA Agents' Names

    In the unending, blood-soaked high school drama that is the relationship between the United States and Pakistan, the latter country’s Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate (ISI) has issued one more bitchylunch-table smackdown.

    Except instead of ruining someone’s chances for Prom Queen, Pakistan’s move could, you know, lead to the injury or death of a top-secret CIA official in Islamabad

    For the second time in five months, the Pakistani authorities have angered the Central Intelligence Agency by tipping the Pakistani news media to the identity of the C.I.A. station chief in Islamabad, a deliberate effort to complicate the work of the American spy agency in the aftermath of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, American officials said.

    The leak demonstrated the tilt toward a near adversarial relationship between the C.I.A. and the Pakistani spy agency, the Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate, or ISI, since the Bin Laden raid. It appeared to be intended to show the leverage the Pakistanis retain over American interests in the country, both sides said.

    Here’s a wacky thought, gleaned from our (very recent) four years in sweaty, hormonal secondary school. When your "friend" protects and enables someone who really hurt you (hi, Dead Osama) and continually gives out your most important secrets to everybody else in the whole wide world, it’s time to stop calling her a friend. Call her what she really is: a stone-cold, backstabbing whore.

    Or, you know, a threat to the safety and security of the United States. Either/or!


    Tags: al Qaeda, CIA, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Spying, Terrorism