Latest Posts

  • Osama bin Laden Dead… For Real This Time

    My God, can you believe it? We managed to kill this one purportedly-enfeebled cave-dwelling refugee figurehead in just less than a decade!

    We did it! We effin' did it!

    President Obama announced late Sunday that Osama bin Laden, the leader of Al Qaeda responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks, was killed in a firefight during an operation he ordered Sunday inside Pakistan, ending a 10-year manhunt for the world’s most wanted terrorist. American officials were in possession of his body, he said.

    President Obama said that on Sunday, a small team of U.S. operatives launched a "targeted assault" on a compound in the Pakistani city of Abbottabad where months of intelligence work had established that Mr. Bin Laden was living. Mr. Bin Laden was killed after a firefight, and the troops took custody of his body.

    It feels good to know that the United States has now officially won the war on terrorism. No more terrorism! Forever! We win! We win!!

    (Photo via AFP/Getty Images)

    Tags: al Qaeda, Barack Obama, CIA, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Terrorism
  • Scroogey Swiss Judge Persecutes Noble C.I.A. Informants

    Merry First Work Day After Christmas, sugar lumpkins! Did your children sufficiently rejoice over the leavings of a mythical fat man in a creepy suit? No? Well, surely a tale of alleged James Bond-ian international nuclear smuggling will serve to brighten your mood!

    A seven-year effort by the Central Intelligence Agency to hide its relationship with a Swiss family who once acted as moles inside the world’s most successful atomic black market hit a turning point on Thursday when a Swiss magistrate recommended charging the men with trafficking in technology and information for making nuclear arms.

    First of all, "magistrate" is an adorable occupation. It is up there with "cooper" and "blacksmith" in the Cute Professional Nomenclature Hall of Fame. Second, what what whaaat?

    This naughty Swiss family sounds just as clever and even more inventive than the Swiss Family Robinson, who crafted an entire live/work Kennedy-esque compound using only their smarts and the surprisingly useful bounty of a wrecked ship. Let's learn more about our new neutral, chocolate-loving, ski-happy heroes!

    The three men — Friedrich Tinner and his two sons, Urs and Marco — helped run the atomic smuggling ring of A. Q. Khan, an architect of Pakistan’s nuclear bomb program, officials in several countries have said. In return for millions of dollars, according to former Bush administration officials, the Tinners secretly worked for the C.I.A. as well, not only providing information about the Khan network’s manufacturing and sales efforts, which stretched from Iran to Libya to North Korea, but also helping the agency introduce flaws into the equipment sent to some of those countries.

    Friedrich, Urs, and Marco ratted on their boss to the C. I. frickin' A.?! These Swiss warriors risked the Wrath of Khan to make our government happy? WHY exactly are these people being prosecuted in their dumb, clock-obsessed home country?

    The U.S. should offer these Aryans sanctuary in a marvelous Florida treehouse of their very own, plus give them their own starfleet to command, plus give them a lifetime supply of Yodels for their trouble.

    Tags: CIA, Spying, Switzerland
  • More Pakistanis Defriend the C.I.A.

    What-oh! There's a storm a-brewin' between American and Pakistani intelligence agencies. Perhaps it's more accurate to say "a storm has been a-brewin' forever and is now raining medium-size balls of hail which will eventually get bigger and bigger until each hail ball weighs as much as a monster truck." Here's why

    The Central Intelligence Agency's top clandestine officer in Islamabad was pulled from the country on Thursday amid an escalating war of recriminations between American and Pakistani spies, with some American officials convinced that the officer's cover was deliberately blown by Pakistan's military intelligence agency.

    Ooh… yeah. That… that'll do it. And the timing couldn't have been more awkward, coming as it did on the same day Obama presented the Afghanistan-Pakistan Annual Review.

    So, how did the identity of this top-secret superspy come to be known? He was "named publicly in a legal complaint sent to Pakistani police this week by the family of victims of the spy agency’s campaign of drone strikes in Pakistan’s tribal areas."

    This begs another question: How exactly did a family in a remote tribal area discover the name of Jimmy Bond (haha, that is not his name, but imagine if it were!) in the first place?

    But the officials said there is strong suspicion that operatives of Pakistan's powerful spy service, the Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence, had a hand in revealing the C.I.A. officer’s identity — possibly in retaliation for a civil lawsuit filed in Brooklyn last month implicating the I.S.I. chief in the Mumbai terror attacks of November 2008.

    Jeez. What is the chance the I.S.I. and C.I.A. are going to be invited to each other's ugly Christmas sweater parties this year? Probably about as good as the chance that the U.S. will stop bombing the fuck out of rural Pakistan anytime in the next five to ten years.

    Tags: CIA, Military, Pakistan, Spying
  • The Onion: O-SPAN Classic – CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica

    Hey look, these things happen. Can't spend your life crying over spilled jugo de papaya

    Tags: CIA, Costa Rica, The Onion
  • The Onion: Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist'

    From The Onion

    "I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room," said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. "Unfortunately, though, I'm not employed by the U.S. government, I'm not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists."

    "And again, neither do I," the imaginary man added.

    According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we've been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.

    I feel so much more un-less make-believe pretend safe for not unknowing this.

    Tags: CIA, FBI, Homeland Security, Military, Pentagon, Terrorism, The Onion